I’ve always had a bit of a raw spot when my girlfriend mentions a guy flirting/trying to get with her.
Even if she outright turns him down and has zero interest. Something about the story by itself just gnaws at me and she always notices.
It often causes a bit of tension in the conversation and she clearly feels the need to censor herself. I don’t want any of that.
I’d obviously prefer to not be bothered and appreciate that other people are attracted to the woman I’m with, who is wildly out of my league. And clearly there’s a lot of insecurity that triggers this, big time.
Any strategies to combat these irrational feelings? And proper responses after they happen?
18 comments
She’s telling you about it because she trusts you, if she was getting hit on or flirted with all day and she kept that from you then that may be a reason to be unhappy.
If she’s half attractive it’s going to happen when she’s not in your presence at least once or twice: If hearing about it bothers you then ask her not to tell you. Usually I just laugh when she tells me…I know how we (men) can be and actually find some of the stories hilarious/sad
If you fully trust your partner, just got to roll with it
I spent 3 years long distance with my now finance while she was away at university and heard all sorts. The thing is, I’d rather she tell me about what was happening rather than say nothing and it happen anyway
Ultimately, whether she tells you about it or not… they’ll be guys hitting on her
Likewise, I’ve had girls hit on me and even hand me tissue paper with their numbers on it – I just laugh it off and tell her about it the next day. It’s all about the honesty
My girlfriend tells me about guys that hit on her too. She always brings them up as “weirdos” or “creepers” or whatever, and kind of mocks whatever the situation was or how they did it. Now, I’ll be honest, as a man I know they’re just guys shooting their shot. I get it. But I do enjoy the fact that she instantly is turned off by guys trying to talk to her at the grocery checkout, bar, wherever. I personally have a couple laughs with her about it and tease her a bit.
TLDR: I can understand guys shooting their shot when I’m not there, and I don’t get mad because my gf finds them creepy and we joke about it together.
Do you think there might be some jealousy because you don’t get hit on, thus reaffirming the belief that she’s “out of your league”? I imagine that’s probably a source of insecurity.
Gnaws on you how? What is the exact emotional reaction that you have?
First of all, it is fine to have emotional reactions to things. Whatever the zeitgeist is supposed to be, your feelings are valid and even if it’s insecurity you are allowed to be insecure.
You mentioned that she is out of your league, yet you are together so she must see something in you. Is the problem that she does not make it clear enough what you mean to her or is the problem that you don’t believe her?
So every time another guy comes up to her and hits on her she decides in her head right then that he’s not better than you and turns him down and the result is that you feel insecure? She apparently doesn’t see anyone that can compare to you. I’d like to think that should make you feel more secure, not less.
What do your instincts tell you to do?
I ask, because this is a very old problem. This behavior has been going on for several hundred million years before we arrived, and will continue several hundred million years after we are gone.
First off, you need to do some introspection and figure out *what* it is that bothers you, and then you can consider what can be done about it.
If I had to take a wild stab in the dark, I would guess that maybe you’re low-key afraid that some guy is going to sweep her off her feet and she’ll run off with him, so hearing about guys *trying* to impress her leads you down some very unpleasant thoughts.
The thing is, you’re never going to stop strangers from talking to her and occasionally hitting on her in the process. That’s just a part of being a human living with other humans. So this series of events will continue to happen. It sounds like you’re already self-aware of the fact that responding negatively to her retelling of these events is only going to motivate her to not share them with you, and also that her withholding information is not something *either* of you want.
IMO, this largely comes down to the way these other men make you feel, and your girlfriend just happens to be an element in the middle. Addressing issues that you may have with men in general is tough and not something there’s an exact set of directions for. I say this as someone who is a man that has experienced significant violence from other men and still struggles to not expect that sort of behavior from all men. It’s complicated and difficult and I don’t want to mislead you by making it sound simple or easy. It sucks, and it takes a long time to make it not suck. But progress can be made, little by little, and eventually comfort is attainable.
If I could leave with any helpful instruction, it would just be to reflect on yourself often, and communicate with other people as much as you can. Talk to yourself, talk to your girlfriend, talk to your bros, post to Reddit, whatever. But you have to *think* about *why* you feel the way you do, and ultimately *form your own opinions about it*. All of that results in increased self-awareness, and increased self-awareness is the best tool for empowering yourself to shape your mental health.
Always expect people to hit on your SO.
If s/he isn’t deliberately driving the attention, there’s nothing that you should do.
My wife is pretty attractive and fit. It’s expected. I know she turns them down instantly and I trust her but when the guy is really insisting after multiple “no” then it does bother me cause I hate pushy guys like this or male “friends” being orbiters trying to sleep with her that way. Thankfully she’s mature enough to know this so she doesn’t have male friends.
There was a guy (family “friend”) that just couldn’t get the hint and stop messaging her on Facebook even after she told him to please leave her alone and that she wants nothing to do with him. Eventually he messaged her again and she was about to block him but I told her to hold off for a bit..the day before he message her he posted a big post on fb on how much he loves his wife and his kid and wishing happy anniversary to them (him and his wife). I commented on it saying that’s good, maybe you’d stop messaging my wife trying to flirt then. He deleted it but it was too late. His wife message me asking things and I told her the truth. They almost split and still have fights (heard it from a mutual friend). Idgaf really. I hate dudes like him.
I don’t care. She snuggles up to me in bed
I find it amusing because the one doing the hitting on has NO idea how fucked up he’d be if she said yes 🤣🤣🤣. I never went for vanilla women in life, and my wife is kinky to the point of freaking 90% of men out. If she ever bit most guy’s cock, like she bites mine, they’d shit all over themselves trying to break free.
However, it doesn’t bother me in the least. I have no real insecurities, and I’ve never gotten jealous once in my 6 decades. Besides, we’re polyam, so she is free to terrorize other males as she sees fit. And my partner likes pain to a degree that most guys are going to be able to hang with. If she wants me to draw blood, then I draw blood and she cums so hard she squirts a gallon.
So I don’t handle heading about it because there’s nothing for me to need to handle.
Here’s the thing, you say that she’s out of your league, and yet she chose YOU to be with. She’s not just going to decide that you’re to ugly to be with or some shit like that. You’ve got her and, if you treat her right, then she’s going to stay with you. Insecurities and jealousy can ONLY hurt a relationship, NEVER help it. She trusts you completely by telling you to begin with… Trust doesn’t come easy in a relationship, my friend, so don’t fuck it up by making her feel that she CAN’T confide in you… That would be a HUGE mistake. If you need to, stand in front of a mirror and just keep repeating the mantra of “She’s mine, I trust her, no guy has game like I have game with her”, and do it until you believe it with all your heart.
Comes with the territory of dating attractive women. Doesn’t bother me at all
Nothing much you can do about it but laugh it off. Don’t be jealous/insecure about it.
Now the interesting part is the guys she doesn’t tell you about.
Brother man, she could have half a foot and a growth comin out her neck and someone somewhere is still gonna shoot their shot. You want her to wear a bedseet over her head any time she goes out? You want her to just never leave the house? I don’t like that I am not independently wealthy enough to avoid paying taxes. This is life. We all have to learn to accept things we cannot change. Your girlfriend is hot? Right on. This is the cost of admission. Has nothing to do with your looks at all. This is an issue…don’t make it an iss-her. You don’t want her to feel like it’s her fault that you are upset because, unless she starts washing her face in battery acid and injecting mayonnaise, she can’t change how she looks. Whenever you get that feeling, just breathe it out. Thousands of people go see the Grand Canyon every year for it’s beauty. Some dude compliments your girl at Starbucks for hers. Same shit. One day, you will look back and realize how much of a “good kind of problem to have” this is.
I get a little jealous. I’m not a fan. That said, I’d much rather she tell me than hide it from me.
I don’t want to hear about it. All i ask is don’t ever lie or betray my trust.