Feeling burnt out and discouraged when it comes to OLD

31 comments

1. Here’s an ice cream for u OP 🍦(with no flake)

2. Same. 🤷🏻‍♂️

   When this happens I’ll usually take a break for a couple of weeks and focus on my hobbies and stuff. Maybe finish a project. Maybe visit somewhere you haven’t before.

   I think it’s part of the grind. You just need to recharge sometimes. Being laser-focused on dating constantly is pretty taxing, so don’t feel bad if you need to take a step back for a minute occasionally.

3. Been at it since August 2021 and before that was not dating and focusing on my business for 3 years. Well things changed so much since then in regards to dating. Everyone’s a flake, so many conversations that go nowhere. Even dating someone for 3-4-5-6 dates you have no idea what they are doing and they are almost always multi dating so you’re being compared to other people constantly. I’m in a very large US city and I don’t have a lack of dates but it always ends the same. Me, alone. Likely a me problem but I was in consistent relationships up until my break in 2018 and starting to date again in August 2021. It feels like dating is now on hard mode. I feel your pain, OP.

4. Yep I feel the same. I’m on an indefinite break. I don’t know if dating feels so much harder now because of my
   age or because the dating scene has changed. It sort of sucks!

5. It isn’t a numbers game. It isn’t even a tool for matchmaking, not really. It is a business whose sole motive is profit, and the way that they do that is by collecting and selling data, ads, subscriptions, which boils down to maximizing time spent on the app. They are designed to be addicting and have no incentive whatsoever in helping you find a partner and stop using the app.

6. The problem is the concept of OLD is too intentional. When you meet someone in the wild by happenstance you typically cultivate a relationship that you weren’t looking for and is unexpected. Less pressure. When you go on a first date with someone you match with from OLD, the whole purpose of the meeting is to find a person who can be a potential partner. So even without realizing it we are assessing this stranger for compatibility immediately. No one can measure up to that. So we all end up disappointed and this leads to people who flake, ghost, let situationships go on too long, or even don’t give someone a fair shot. I think it’s just an unnatural way to go about it but it’s the world we live in.

7. Sometimes we go all in with dating and neglect our other social needs. Do you have friends in the big city that you can prioritize for a while? If not, join some meetups, get out into nature, meet new people in a non-romantic context.

   I personally don’t believe dating is a numbers game. The more selective and intentional you are, the better your matches and the better your dates. Quality over quantity.

8. I deleted my apps after having met someone, not because they were a promising match for me, rather it was because I was done with OLD and dating if this guy and i don’t go anywhere.

   I like myself much better when i’m single and doing cool things by myself, but I hate being touch starved so I really wish I had a boyfriend. As long as I keep going out and doing social things, I have some hope i might meet someone in the wild someday.

9. I feel you. I pulled back from online dating this year completely and honestly, I feel better doing so.
   Having to ask and answer the same question over and over is draining and mind-numbing. I get that’s how online dating works and how you learn the basics of one another but it gets old and boring so fast.
   I’ve been doing the same as you focusing on hobbies and work.

10. Based on what you wrote you’re doing better than most people.

    I’ve been on it for 9 months, had 4 first dates that didn’t go anywhere, zero 2nd dates.

    My experience is that people are looking for immediate spark, no interest in letting things develop.

11. My advice is keep going with the intention that you want a real relationship (maybe take a little break if you need it). Me and most of my friends hated it but stuck through it and have all found long term partners. I’m in a different country so maybe that has some significance over our experiences but i was just about to give up and delete the app when I met my partner. It only takes one person to be the right person so if it’s what you want I say keep trying, and try to meet someone not through OLD as well

12. What is OLD?

13. It sounds like you might be putting a lot of expectations on the outcomes of OLD instead of treating it as a way to connect to people and see where it goes. Once you have an expectation of something specific coming out of it, every time it doesn’t happen it leads to disappointment and negative feelings.

    Yes, it has flakes and people are just looking for validation or aren’t sincere, but it also has wonderful people who are after what you’re after. It’s a mix and you go through them all when dating.

    When you’re starting the process thinking ‘another round of flakes’ you’re shooting yourself in the foot in the sense that now, every person who’s going to be less talkative, less engaged, or in any way shitty towards you, is just going to reaffirm your belief that OLD is draining and horrible.

    I am alone in the UK as well, came here with my ex, but my family isn’t here. I built a sense of community for myself via hobbies and my volunteer work which fills all those boxes for myself, and I love my life and didn’t feel someone was missing, but just like you I enjoy the couple’s dynamic.

    When I was dating (i did have loads of matches from London since I was there often) I had all sorts of people, but since I wasn’t attached to an outcome, and I was just curious about getting to know people, and didn’t find it annoying to have the same conversations again and again, it’s part of the process that I partake in freely – I didn’t see any interaction that ended despite a good conversation or a fun date as an issue with me, or an issue with men. I just assumed we weren’t compatible and moved on.

    I ended up meeting my partner on tinder. If we end up breaking up (which I very much hope doesn’t happen) I wholeheartedly believe I’ll have another good experience because I don’t let it drain me or burn me out. My self esteem isn’t dictated by what random people on the internet think of me, and I’m not saying yours is, but it does sound like you’re putting too much of yourself out there.

14. Easy mode is too hard for some people. Hard to have sympathy.

15. I would step away from the apps and make it a point to have a conversation with at least one new person every time you attend a social event, whether they be a dating prospect or not. Maybe you get a date out of it, or maybe you meet someone who can eventually introduce you to someone else (who could then introduce you to someone else). I prefer to delete the apps altogether (without deactivating my profiles) so that I have more motivation to take initiative in real life.

16. I totally feel you. I do believe the same as you that This is a numbers game, but man, it’s really tough to endure the stupid quantity of chats, dates, and people just fading into nothingness. I grow fearful of becoming too jaded from this and start ignoring great opportunities or great gals, but it is also crushing to keep trying as if people haven’t been flaky.

    I’ve also tried dating through other means, like cold approach in bars, going to parties, and all that stupid crap people usually recommend here, including the hobby and gym things, lol. But I just feel like overall, no matter through which channel you’re looking to date, it is tough at this age.

    Anyways, stay brave OP, stay focused, and do it in sprints if necessary. It’s the only advice I could give you.

17. I could have written this exact post! Every time I reach this point I delete all the apps, then re-download them all again a week later and restart the cycle again. I find it really hard not to take it personally when I have a good connection with someone and they reject me, so it has been quite damaging for my mental health.

    I also miss the couple dynamic – someone to cook with, to do nothing with on a Sunday, to travel with. Almost all of my friends are in long term relationships which doesn’t help.

    No real advice for you but you’re not alone!

18. I haven’t used dating apps in years and I never will. When I did use apps and I got bored or frustrated, I took breaks. So just take a break and focus on yourself. Make a point to get out and do stuff that you enjoy, make conversation with strangers. Maybe you’ll meet someone randomly. You never know.

19. I went on about 12 dates last year and nothing materialized. My hopes are pretty low going forward. I’ll still use the apps but I’m not expecting much to come out of it.

20. What I find useful is taking at least a month off after being on the apps for 3 months. It helps me reset and become excited once more about meeting people.

    That said though I’m now really struggling. I’ve been on about 14 first dates in the past 10 months and even becoming exclusive with someone at one point.

    Something else I’ve also been finding useful in navigating the process is journaling after each date. I ask myself questions like:
    • What did I like about the person?

    • What didn’t I like about them?

    • What things about the person are making me think or feel differently than what I expected and why?

    • What parts of me do I experience when with this person, have I felt this way before?

    • What are my fears and insecurities with this person?

    • What strange behaviours am I showing?

    • Do I open up or shut down around certain traits this person shows?

    Answering these questions has made the ups and downs of OLD much easier to handle because I feel like I’ve grown a lot and understand myself, my likes, dislikes, insecurities etc way more than before I started asking myself all of this. Apart from the one or two awful men I’ve met up in with person, all my dates have resulted in something positive, even if nothing happened romantically.

21. Been online dating for 3 years and the most I’ve ever gotten was a 4th date. It’s hard but I wanna be positive.

22. I am going to assume you’re a woman based on mentioning you’re dating men, which means your problem is sorting through the massive number of likes you get.

    All that I can recommend is not to have a bunch of conversations going at once. Limit yourself to 1-2 matches at a time, and put a hard cap on the number of interactions a week. Don’t make it routine, don’t sink a bunch of time into it.

    And use the men you do meet to explore your world more than you would otherwise. You might find a place or a hobby through them that will facilitate an organic meeting.

    But above all, remember that OLD is built to keep you coming back. You’re their product, they don’t want you to find someone. Be aware of that, and work to counter it.

23. This thread makes me feel so seen lol. I don’t know how to solve the problem, but I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.

24. I think that the dynamics of OLD are ideal for a very small subset of people.

    If I had to make an educated guess as to why I have success on apps I’d say it’s because I’m unusually picky, self-aware, pragmatic, and tenacious.

    Not intentionally or anything…but I literally wasn’t ever attracted to anyone I met in real life. I don’t know why…I just wasn’t.

    OLD has worked for me because my naturally picky nature translates directly onto the platform – I’m extremely selective about who I agree to meet for a first date and I’m starting to think this has worked to my advantage.

    My self-awareness lets me hone in on why I feel any particular way and my pragmatism allows me to not get too hung up on things (thus avoiding the emotional roller coaster experienced by most people by the process).

    And even though I’m quite picky, I’m extremely dedicated and persistent when I like something/someone.

    I can’t say it’s been conventional or smooth sailing, but my longest relationship (in terms of chronological duration in time) as well as life goals (planning to start a family) to date was with a guy I matched on Tinder.

    ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

25. I’ve tried and didn’t find anyone whom I would keep. Either we have too different mindsets, which also turns off chemistry on my side, or the guy is rude, or too distant, or smth. I got smth positive from this experience, though. I forgave myself for having a bad relationship in past. Now I see it’s actually insanely hard to find a good partner. I should not agonise over the fact that I rushed at 19 y old into long abusive relationship with seven y older guy. I’ll retract from dating. I don’t think I’m losing much. Drama and mess and rarely anything nice and valuable in return. I can be my own self a partner for all the stuff I previously thought I needed one.

26. I met my BF from OLD. Nicest man I ever met after doing it for 2 years. Absolutely found a gem.

27. I’m just back from a date with a girl who was interesting, but wasn’t sure she would be staying in the country for long.

    I feel you, I find it draining that I want to give up at times.

28. Yea I had the same feeling. 26 first dates since September bud I think I found the one on the 27th date so there’s that.

    I’ve had the same feelings. You go on so many dates, there’s chemistry but not strong enough to pursue, you’re interested but they’re not, some deal breakers, you’re not attracted to them, different compatibility issues. It’s very normal but you gotta keep at it.

29. Whenever I read posts like this, I’m reminded that OLD is basically like a second job – you send out like 500 applications outlining your skills or whatever in hopes that a recruiter reads it and gives you a shot.

30. Yes. I’ve been OLD for 3 years. The guys I like aren’t able to commit and the guys that are ready to commit have had some other deal breaker.

31. I feel this hard. Decided to settle on a guy that’s good enough so I didn’t have to date any more. I’m almost 40 (f), have chronic fatigue and am unemployed because of it, and live in a very low population area of the sw US. The deck is stacked against me, so I decided I could learn to be ok with a few less than ideal things for a guy I like who likes me.