I know this is a weird question but hear me out for a moment.
Not long ago I was going through a break up and was really devastated about it. It was one of those break ups that make you question everything about yourself and who you are. I decided that therapy would probably be a good idea at this point to help me navigate all the feelings and confusion I was going through at the time.
During one session with my therapist where I was describing to her how wonderful the woman I was no longer with was and how that was making me feel, she stopped me and asked me to tell her more about what made this woman so great. I started listing things off but to nearly everything my therapist would reply with something along the lines of “well, it’s very easy to find people with that quality”. This was more so in regards to achievements or personality traits that my ex had possessed.
Then I started listing things about how my ex made me feel when we were together. Things like how she was always looking out for me and how she cared about me and made me feel loved. However, in response to that my therapist’s point was that all of these things are the basic component of any healthy relationship, and that I would have those things with anybody I was with in a serious way.
This got me thinking, like is any individual person really all that special? Like do we like being who we are with because they possess something that we feel is unique about them or couldn’t easily be found in others? Or are people special because they are with us and we’ve spent a lot of time with them and have become invested? Like a sunk cost fallacy type of way. If most personal achievements, financial status and clout is replicatable (which I would argue it certainly is), and there are many people out there who are some combination of smart, funny, and kind, is any individual partner really all that special, outside of the specialness that we have assigned to them ourselves because we’re with them and they’re with us?
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It’s not exactly “romantic” in the usual sense, but your therapist is right. Few relationships, if any, are formed by two people who are uniquely perfect for one another. They are formed by people who are right enough for each other, and who encountered at a right enough time. Then intimacy and commitment grow and deepen over time through shared experience.
I mean, my partner is great, but there are probably millions of people in the world who are equally great. I just encountered her at the right time in both of our lives, and it grew from there.
Tim Minchin has a good song about this. Check out [If I Didn’t Have You](https://youtu.be/LAzodf69rfk).
No one is “special”.
How two individuals come together and invest through commitment and intimacy is what makes it special.
The “no one is special” becomes more apparent the more romantic partners you have. At the end, it is your values and that persons values that matter the most in long term relationships.
In our heads they feel and are special, because, it’s almost like being a God in terms of pleasure. They care about you, want to know about you, want to be with you in a seemingly special way no one else does.
But again, the more romantic partners you have you’ll eventually pin-point that “the special” is two people coming together and nurturing that bond, not the person itself. And after the bond is broken, it’s just best to move on.
There’s no set perfect person that you’re destined to be with, and most qualities that you appreciate in someone, you’ll be able to find in someone else.
That said, when you do find that person with special qualities, even if you can find it in others, that doesn’t make them less special. My partner is the most supportive person I’ve ever been with. She’s also very good at communication usually. That doesn’t mean she’s perfect for me though. She’s got some major drawbacks too, that I would likely find the opposite in someone else. That someone else, however, might not be as supportive or communicative (or not at all).
The key is finding someone who you can compromise with. Who you can cherish those special qualities and overlook the drawbacks.
My wife is special because of the life we have built together. Neither of us are unique snowflakes in all the universe. But what we have earned with each other over the decades is irreplaceable.
You are overthinking it. Find someone you love to fuck and accept their faults. We plebs who can’t afford a therapist do this all the time and get along just fine.
My last ex was special because he understood me. I am autistic, and he grew up with an autistic brother and went on to teach special Ed for 20 years. I have never felt so seen and heard and understood.
He was committed to social justice, just like I am. He had an engineering degree, and he went back to school and took like a 70% pay cut to do what he felt was right.
And, he learned me, like he wanted to know how to make me happy. I have 2 dogs. If a dog pees or poops in the house, it must be cleaned immediately, and everything associate with it must be disposed of in the dumpster, immediately. I can smell it. Even once it is really clean.
He walked my dog for me once. He picked up the poop and tried to hand it to me at the door, and I freaked out. He was a cat person. Throwing poop in the garbage is what they do. But, after we talked about it, he got it. One day, he was over the house, and I was in the shower. A dog got excited to see him and peed on the floor. He got the stuff, cleaned it up and took everything to the dumpster outside while I was still in the shower. By the time I got downstairs, the problem was gone.
That is not common. I can’t just get that kind of care and understanding from any ol’ dude. I have dated a lot of guys. I have never had a boyfriend who cared like that, who saw me and understood.
I felt safe and accepted. He also made me laugh. That is also not common. He will be difficult to replace.
I’d had GFs before. They were good for some laughs, but mostly for sex (I could find laughs with my bros; no GF required for that). Then there was this one woman… I couldn’t tell you why, but for the first time I found myself actually giving a shit about her rather than just playing some stupid game to get into her pants.
[shrug]
Just booked a suite in Vegas to celebrate our 30th Anniversary.
What made that relationship different? I actually cared. WHY? I have no idea. There was an intangible about her that just made me want to be in the same room as her (still do).