I’ll try to keep this short. One of my oldest and dearest friends (we’re both 41F) is in town visiting with her new baby. She’s been living in Italy for the last 5 years, and our hometown is in the U.S. For the last 3 weeks that she’s been here, we’ve been messaging back and forth but no solid plans have stuck. I understand that she is busy visiting with family and other friends, but I feel like second place.
When she first told me of her pregnancy, I was ecstatic for her! She would ask me all of the difficult questions regarding pregnancy/labor/childcare, bc I have three children of my own. There were no stupid questions, and I did my best to help calm her fears as her due date approached. I was excited for my friend!
Fast forward to now. Baby is 5 months old, and both are in town for baby’s baptism. We had talked about me going to the baptism and visiting the her family. Well, her son was baptized this past weekend, and I wasn’t invited. It feels like a punch in the gut.
This girl and I have been friends since we were 11 years old. We grew up together. Neither of us has sisters, and we always said we were each other’s sister. We went on each other’s family vacations. We talked about all of the girl stuff that you can only tell your best friend. We even ended up at the same college. When I found out I was pregnant with my first, she was the first person I called bc it wasn’t planned. She is my oldest’s godmother.
I understand that friends drift apart, and living on a separate continent certainly doesn’t help. But when we were supposed to meet the Saturday before the baptism, she canceled so that she could help her mom clean “for the million guests expected the next day.” That’s when it just hit me that I’m not as important to her as she is to me.
Today she messaged me asking if it was OK to “drop by.” How the hell do I even respond to this?
TL;DR Longtime friend visiting from out of town excluded me from baby’s baptism. She keeps making plans to meet but cancels. How do I effectively tell her how hurt I really am?
3 comments
I don’t see any problem with telling her that you were hurt by not being invited to the baptism.
You’re upset that your friend isn’t prioritizing your friendship in ways that she hasn’t before, and while your feelings are valid regardless of why this is happening, if you want to know *why* this is happening…
>Baby is 5 months old
…That’s probably it, OP. I know that you went through this rigamarole yourself before, but different people respond differently to becoming parents, and her priorities may be thrown out of wack by this dramatic shift in her life.
So I *do* agree that when you get the opportunity to meet with her sometime, you can explain that you feel like your friendship has been de-prioritized and explain how that makes you feel. Her actions hurt your feelings, and you’re an adult capable of telling your friend how she made you feel.
But at the same time, be ready to listen to and acknowledge her perspective. This isn’t a situation of “who’s right and who’s wrong” – you both probably have valid perspectives here. It’s about finding a compromise that you can BOTH be okay with. A compromise that considers BOTH of your feelings, needs, and perspectives.
Best of luck, OP.
Maybe you should just try calling her and telling her how you feel. Probably texting won’t be the right move here. Or just tell her when she drops by.
If you’re worried that saying anything other than the exact right thing will ruin your friendship, you don’t have a friendship.