Hello, I am a 23 year old man. Like the title says, if you would look at me in person, and my life, you would most likely believe I have it pretty good. I make $68,900 a year, no debt, dress well, attractive, grew up with friends and still have close friendships, beautiful girlfriend who I love, a loving family that supports me (even though my dad and older brother can be hard on me at times), college degree and about to pursue a master. Although, when I look in the mirror, I am insecure and ashamed of myself.
I feel the need to hide my life, and not celebrate my accomplishments. When I am around other men I believe are more intelligent, better looking, or more masculine than me, I turn insecure. I feel like I am not good enough, strong enough, or smart enough. I understand comparison is the thief of joy, but I always fall in this trap.
I am not confident in my own skin, even when others have told me I am a confident person. Even at work, or in social settings. I can speak up, present myself, and explain things well.
The problem is, I lack the belief in myself. I have trouble holding conversations with people at times, maintaining eye contact, I am in my head that I don’t belong, and sometimes use alcohol to be more comfortable. When I maintain eye contact, I feel like I am a creep, or become uncomfortable with the amount of time I do stare. Sometimes when I talk out loud, I am talking to myself internally, and lose my train of thought. When I listen to people, I lack active listening, and sometimes think of the next thing to say. I think this stems from my insecurity of wanting to be perceived as intelligent, masculine, and trustworthy.
I want to be, “that guy”.
How can I create more inner strength/confidence for myself? What has helped for you? How can I mitigate my insecurities and start believing in myself more?
Any advice is encouraged.
3 comments
Some thoughts for your consideration:
-You may not realize how normal your post topic is in the human experience.
-I myself relate to exactly some of the things you detailed about how you feel and what your interactions with other people are like.
In a sense, I have been where you are… and let me encourage you – it gets better.
-In terms of placing something here that may be helpful your confidence journey, see below for the words I liked when another redditor posted a while back:
1. Get the negative voice in your head out of your head. I’m convinced that negative self-talk and obsessive ruminations lie at the core of a lack of self-confidence. That voice that tells you everyone thinks bad about you, you’re not good enough, you’re not…whatever, that voice is NOT you. It’s the enemy. When you hear that voice, tell it to shut up and get out. I mean that literally. Verbally tell that voice to shut up. Let your positive voice, or curious voice, or observant voice replace it. Anything but that voice. It HAS TO DIE!
2. Accept your own death. This takes time, but it is essential. You are not going to live forever. And death is a real, tangible thing, not just some fantasy that will happen in the distant future. Your clock is ticking down to nothing and there’s no stopping it. So is the clock of the people you love. You’ll watch your parents die. Your grandparents. Your friends. They will be terrified, or in pain, or despondent. This WILL happen and nothing you say, think, or do can stop it. You must accept this as a truism and think of it whenever you can. And then accept that everything dies. Your happiness. Your pain. Your friendships. Your memories. All of it. Think of this too.
3. Decide what you want your life to be. Once your inner voice is strong, and you know that all you have will leave you, you can choose what you want for yourself. If you are lucky enough to have a death bed, it is only your life you will look back upon. What anyone else thinks, does, or has will play no part in that. Did you find love? Did you enjoy your career? Did you see that beautiful place in the world? Did you satisfy your desires? Only you can answer these questions, and more importantly, only you can decide what questions matter to you.
4. Know Yourself. Are you prone to anger? Have low emotional intelligence? Need a woman’s desire to feel whole? Are a terrible person but want to be better? Only you can know these things. Integrity is looking at yourself, and the world, without blinders, and knowing both your strengths and failings. This is hard, and hard to distinguish from that negative voice. But a true, objective understanding of the self, without judgment, is essential. Without it you are living a lie, and confidence must come from reality, not fantasy.
Once you do these things, you won’t have confidence, but you will be confident. What I mean is, confidence isn’t really a feeling by itself. Confidence is knowing yourself for what you really are, good and bad, knowing your desires, and living your life as you see fit. You aren’t acting with confidence as much as you are acting with purpose and ignoring anything else. Even if the entire world thinks you’re an imbecile, your sense of self and purpose will remain unchallenged and unmoved.
Having confidence doesn’t mean you act like you have confidence and is not an end goal in itself. Confidence is a symptom of a greater, complete sense of self.
You sound like a normal human being.
I’m not always confident in myself. Hell, I question stuff I do all the time, asking myself, “Was that the right call?” I’m currently looking at a promotion I’m not sure I’m ready for, despite having previously done the same work and then some (just on a smaller scale).
When you come to terms with the fact that you’re always going to be your biggest critic, it gets easier. Try not to beat yourself up too much either.
Most of us are winging it. My advice would be to develop a safety net, both financially and emotionally. Have someone you can talk to, and money (or at least a skill) you can fall back on if the worst should happen. Do that, and you can move forward confidently, knowing that even if you fall flat on your face, you’re at least somewhat covered.
You’re holding yourself back from achieving your full potential because you fear failing and being ridiculed for failing. But failing is part of the process. What comes to mind when you think of failure? You will find out who your friends are when you see who cheers you on through those failures, but you must keep pushing forward.
If could tell my 23 yo self one thing, it would be this: Try things. Try new experiences. Do what I’m afraid of doing. Your 33 year old self will be so grateful that you took risks at 23 in an effort to achieve growth. Do that job you think you can’t do. Have pride and show off that hobby you think is weird. Ask questions. Move to that city. Whatever. 23 is not a time to have it all figured out.