I have been taking some classes at university and I noticed this boy who is always alone (we have 10 hours of class together at a week). He always chooses to sit in a row where no one else is sitting, and I’ve never seen him speak to anyone. I also didn’t have any uni friends at the beginning because I’m very shy, but people in our classes are very friendly and easy going and even I managed to make friends. I would like to talk with this boy, but I’m very very shy and afraid he just wants to be alone and I’ll end up bothering him. How can I tell if he’s shy as well or just doesn’t like any of us? Should I talk to him or just mind my business?
Edit: I forgot to add that we are studying languages so communication is basically part of our studies, and we have a few classes (not ones I share with him because we’re divided in smaller groups) where we are required to speak with each other in the languages we are studying. So I think languages would be a weird choice for someone not interested in communication, right?
30 comments
Always to be left alone!
This sounds like me a few years ago. It was more of an anxiety thing for me, I didn’t like classroom environments cuz groups made me nervous, so I sat by myself away from everyone. Idk u can try talking to him see what happens
You can try with simple polite interactions trying to be a little friendly and see how he reacts, i’m sure that a bit of kindness can’t hurt anyone, i say try it!
i’m also the same but stay quiet because of lack of social skills or bothering anyone or just awkwardness and very anxious person in general.
Talk to him and pay attention to his body language. If he stops what he’s doing to engage with you, then he’s probably shy. If he intentionally starts finding something to do (ie, rummaging in his bag or suddenly has to pee) every time you engage, then he wants to be left alone.
I would try to talk to him. Maybe he has social anxiety/shy? If he doesn’t want to talk and want to be alone then don’t bother him anymore.
Resting bitch face is usually the difference. I want to be left alone constantly, I do my uni lectures in the local costa for the free electricity and nice coffee. I’ve never once been approached because I constantly look pissed off.
be observant of what he’s doing or what he’s wearing. try to see if there’s anything you recognize or could relate to (e.g. a band shirt, laptop sticker, etc.) and compliment him on it. if he lights up, then i’d say you’ve got the green light to engage further
He could be just very introvert. Thats something i would always do when i was in school
When I was 18 in college this girl saw me sitting by myself on the quad watching a musician play. We are 42 and married with two kids.
Approach him and talk to him!
definitely trying to initiate conversation with him. if nothing else it may be a new experience for you too. And for communicating with him, try to ask him questions but nothing personal only casual stuff like how is he enjoying the classes, music he likes. If he answers with atleast a sentence with not so monotonous voice, i’ll say he is interested.
I can certainly relate to him. I always sat in the back to avoid the awkard moment of feeling rejected in Uni. Let us know how it went.
Maybe just ask him directly? Im Dutch so i like the direct approach, but isnt it really the best way to get a clear answer from someone? Just ask the question you want answered. “Hey ive noticed you often sit alone. Are you shy or just want to be left alone? You are welcome to sit with me.”
This was me few years back. I sat in the front of the classroom because I haven’t got such a good eyesight. Usually there weren’t many people there to begin with. Other people have tendency to talk during class and it makes it even harder for me to focus so I tried to sit nowhere near them. But I would surely appreciate someone talking to me during breaks! I would just ask directly.
I was, and still am to a big extend that guy. I used to have pretty bad social anxiety. Back then I was stressed out of my mind just sitting in the room and so it was a challenge to just pay attention to the lecture, let alone have someone sit next to me that I don’t know and that wants to talk to me.
Now I don’t mind people talking to me.
I see a lot of people telling you to go talk to him, which is fine advice, just here to raise a counterpoint.
You should talk to him. There was a guy that was always alone in one of my classes I thought was cute, I talked to him a few times thru the term all initiated by me. At the end of term asked him for his contact info and he said he wished we talked more in class together. He was just shy and wanted to use the shop to get a lot of work done. It’s worth it:)
Have you considered asking him?
Something along the lines of “hey, do you mind if I sit next to you or would you rather be by yourself right now?”
hard to tell tbh. according to people i dont look shy, but i’m actually socially anxious. i can be pretty chill at first but then i cant keep long convos if they decided to keep asking me questions. at this point i’d appear to be a lil uncomfortable, would look around, awkwardly answer or smile back instead of maintaining eye contact with them. i notice that whenever i reach this stage people would stop the convo and walk away 🙁 like sorry i have social anxiety but i honestly wanna talk to you more.
with this boy i think u should closely watch his body language when u approach him. if he appears like the way i described myself above i think he just has social anxiety. for myself, if i wanted to be left alone, absolutely no interest would be showing through my face and body: short answers, not listening, be on my phone, my body pointing another way instead of you, etc.
I always go a little direct. “Hey there! Up for company or do you want alone time?”
It’s not illegal to have conversations with people. I can tell you right now, your university experience will be done in the blink of an eye. You won’t regret talking to people. No one and I mean no one at college is interested in being alone. They wouldn’t be at college if that was the case. Everyone needs connection, you and even quiet, shy, introverted so-called loners. I can assure no one is a loner at that age by choice or by desire. Talk to them, invite them to do something, maybe just you and them. If they get comfortable with you maybe invite them to hang with your other friends. Being around lots of new people can be overwhelming for people, including myself. Not everyone was properly socialized. This society that we have creates massive disparity between people. Some people were given what they needed growing up, others weren’t. Once you’re an awkward, unsocialized adult, the only real way to become socialized is by the charity and kindness and generosity of people like you.
you should introduce yourself & just present yourself as someone who’s interested in being friends in a no-pressure kind of way. i would just start small & familiarize yourself & see if they warm up. i have social anxiety but when someone is more familiar to me it kinda goes away a little. just opening the lines of communication/breaking the ice will be good
I’m gonna be that guy… Please mind your business, not everyone likes to engage in small talk or “making friends”, and certainly you don’t have any right to demand to him to interact or engage in any social convention you see fit. Leave the guy do whatever he want when he wants.
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just go for it, introduce yourself and if you vibe, then cool…
if not oh well
That’s me.
I want to be left alone for now.
I don’t want to get hurt by people anymore.
Best to keep people at a distance.
The shy ones are the best kind of friends you will ever have.
I’m anxious as hell and because of that I become standoffish
talk to him. you have to disturb his solitude a little bit to find out if he is shy or wants to be left alone; this is not a big deal, don’t worry too much about it.
if he is shy, the more you talk to him the more the more relaxed he will be.
if he wants to be left alone, the more you talk to him the more annoyed he will be.
basically if his aloofness improves proceed if it worsens back off.
I think most people want more friends. He probably sits away from others because he feels left out. We just naturally give more space to people we don’t know as well.
I will say this though. He will naturally maybe feel a bit embarrassed. Or wonder why you are talking to him. Try not to talk down to him, don’t talk to him thinking that you’re doing him a favor. I say this because even though my intentions are good I have to stop myself.
The thing about introverts is that they are always annoyed in the moment. But always happy in retrospect.