So we got married when she was pregnant when we were eighteen and nineteen, baby born like two months after marriage. When we got married it was agreed she’d never need to work and I’d be the breadwinner. She never pictured herself as anything other than a SAHM. I agreed to it, no pressure I wanted her to be happy.
But it’s seven years later and I’m so tired. I work 50-60 hours a week and I’m lonely and I don’t get to see the kids or my wife very much. I haven’t seen my friends in several years. I do my share of the chores and childcare and she gets alone time, but I feel like I’m really depressed and I really don’t enjoy being alive. I don’t really get alone time, which I realize is fair because she is 24/7 with the kids when I’m not there and doesn’t get breaks, while at work I get a lunch break. I don’t know why I feel overloaded, but I don’t find life enjoyable at all. I love her and the kids and feel like I’m missing the majority of everyone’s lives. I don’t even get to spend time with wife at night when the kids are asleep because I catch up chores after work and she’s tired and tries to stay up until we have time but she usually falls asleep.
Like today I’ve been incredibly sad because she and the kids went on a five day vacation back to florida with her parents and I couldn’t go because of work. I understand sacrifices need to be made, but I am getting really depressed to miss all the fun stuff. I do the responsibilities but I want to get to enjoy my family too.
I realize I signed up for it but I didn’t realize how I would be feeling so long down the road. Obviously since our youngest is just a baby it will be years before I can realistically even bring it up, but should I ever? I was hoping before she got pregnant to talk to her this year, since the older two (7M and 5F) are in school/activities and she has free time during the day. But then the baby (2 months M) was conceived so obviously I wasn’t going to ask her to work then, or now until the baby is older. But maybe it would make me a shitty person to go back on my word and ask if I can work less if she can work part time? If she worked two days a week, I could drop one of my overtime days and spend some time at home. Do you think if I offer to take over more of the cleaning this would be an okay thing to ask? Has anyone gone from breadwinner/SAH to both parents working at least a little? We’ve separated once because of my behavior and I don’t want her to leave again.
Tl;dr: after seven years I can’t stop thinking about working less but I promised my wife she could stay home with the kids and we can’t afford to cut my hours unless she works some. I don’t know if I should approach it at all, and how to say it if I do.
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You definitely need to tell her how you feel, and yes, it is okay to ask her to work part time so that you can reduce your workload. In fact, it is absolutely okay for you to reduce your workload right now to “just” full time. You may all need to tighten the budget, but life is to be shared and enjoyed. Do you get paid time off? Wondering why you could not have joined the vacation. You have the right to be more than a wallet
Ok I feel like you’re a kettle about to boil over which means this is a conversation you need to have
Sit her down and basically tell her you feel that the dynamic and circumstances have changed and that you can’t go on like this
Explain you feel you never see them anymore and having to miss out on a vacation and work when you’re kids are so young is not good for anyone
Try and compromise that when the youngest is 6 months you look into childcare and that way she can work and you can cut down your hours so that you all get to spend more time together
Hopefully she’ll be on board and you’ll eventually find everyone is happier
You definitely need to tell her how you feel because I’m sure part of your exhaustion is the bottling up of your emotions.
Secondly, these years with small children and babies is the most exhausting, difficult and expensive years.
Tell her how you feel. Ask her if there’s something she’d like to do once baby is old enough because it gives her time to mentally adjust – you’re not just dropping it on her and expecting her to make it happen. It also gives her time to research, make connections /
Look for opportunities in local businesses or through friends or possibly even do online, home based study.
Keep in mind the cost of daycare if you need her to work before baby goes to school etc.
But be open. I’m sure she misses you around the house as well but she might just be survival mode and doesn’t have time to consider other options.
Lastly – can your work change? Can you work for anyone else, get promoted, do study etc so you can earn more by working less?
Not only is it okay to ask, it is a conversation (like many if not all here are telling you) that needs to happen.
I’d also go as far as saying it is also okay to make this an ultimatum. She gets a job, or you leave.
You say it yourself no one really seems to care about you, just that their needs are met. If they are not meeting your needs, then cutting them out of your life is okay.
I don’t think there is an easy way to say this, but it needs to be said.
I think that you should just be blunt and say you are depressed and you don’t want to work 50-60 hrs a week for the rest of your life. Then just be honest and admit that you didn’t realize what her being a sahm would mean for your finances and that for your own mental and physical health you are not going to be able to continue being the only source of income in the family long term and that you want to discuss options with her about either commencing training or entering the workforce part time once your newborn is a bit older.
Be prepared for the fact that initially she may not respond well. She’s in her mid 20s with it sound like no skills, education or work experience. It’s natural to be afraid, anxious or just plain angry because it may look like her life plan just exploded. Just stick to your facts – you are overloaded and cannot continue being the sole provider if it means working the equivalent of 1.5 full time jobs. You cannot continue to sacrifice all of your dreams.
I really feel for you as I think this will be a rough time in your relationship as you work out the new normal. Just be patient and realistic. Essentially she’s never worked. She will need to undertake training before even looking for work and will probably need to wait to even start that till you baby is a bit older.
Step one: stop having more children.
A . marriage is 50/50… She has no right to demand to never work. Speak to her and explain it’s too much for you and she needs to help out. Also… if she is a stay at home mom, what chores do you need to do? When I was the only breadwinner my wife did everything. Now that we both work we share responsibilities of course.
You don’t have to stick to this kind of statement you made in your literal teens. Your child is now 7 years old and unless you live in a mansion I don’t know what there is to do for a SAHM all day every day while the child is at school and you’re at work 10+ hours a day. You don’t have to make yourself feel guilty for wanting to ask such things.
Open up about feeling exhausted from literally only living to work. Tell her you’re feeling depressed and lonely because you’re losing touch with both your family and friends. She might react apprehensive but you should just be as honest as possible. You’re guilt tripping yourself because you thought you could work and provide forever when you were a probably naive teen with barely any idea of how life works. You grow and you adapt but you don’t have to slave your life away for a statement you did years ago
My current boyfriend had an ex who seemed to quit every job opportunity and preferred to be a SAHM while my bf struggled with 40/50 hours.at the time he thought it was a better because she struggles with her mental health be it borderline or autism. She just couldn’t seem to deal with people. In hindsight he wished he pushed for her to get a pt job a little bit harder. It might have done her some good.
She was on benefits and often asked him for money. Idk if it had anything to do with it but right around When I started dating my boyfriend suddenly she found a job. She works 10 to 20 hrs a week now.
Perhaps your wife needs some persuading, but who knows, perhaps she might be totally in to it!
As a SAHM myself I can assure you that she may be more open to the idea than you think. We give up a part of or selves as individuals to be there for our children and the trade off is relatively easy because being there for every moment is so special but, I do miss being an adult and talking with other adults at work and being myself other than a mom or wife.
If I am given a choice between working or being home with my kids I will always choose my children but, as soon as factors like my partners mental health and our financial well-being get thrown in I would be happy to have a job.
Don’t feel guilty and believe in your partnership. Believe that her one goal is to be the best mother and wife she can be and that she will fulfill that role no matter what it looks like. Even if you have to remind her of your mutual goals and future I promise she will come around if she is worth holding on too.
That’s not sacrifice, that’s financial abuse, your wife is abusive
That’s what having kids is like. You must sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice. You’ll have no life until they’re in their mid teen years. Should have stopped at one.
Get a vasectomy.
Whenever you’re ready, just tell her what you’ve said here. You want to spend more time with your kids and her, you’re drained, you’re not really living, and you’re willing to pick up more chores. It always sucks having to go back on something you agreed to, but if one of you is miserable, the other has to know. It’s the only way to keep your sanity. Hopefully, she’ll understand.
It’s also in her own best interests for her to go to work. What if something happened to you and you couldn’t work anymore? How would she care for herself and the kids?
Do you have insurance? Because you need to go to your doctor and get your depression checked. Perhaps even medication and therapy. Don’t overlook this because it could be affecting everything and you could end up still feeling this way even if she does get a part time job. If you don’t have insurance there are some therapists who take people on a sliding scale- you just have to google and/or call to find them.
You also mentioned that you didn’t get your high school diploma. Do you have your GED? If not there are programs out there for free GED help & I think some of them are even online. If your wife also did not get her diploma, she also needs to check on this too.
Talk to your wife that as you get older that you want to start working smarter not harder. That eventually you won’t be able to work all of the hours that you are working (at least at a physical job). And by getting your GED you could start working jobs that weren’t so physical. And by the way had she ever thought about what she would be doing with herself when all the kids were in school? Has she thought about GED for herself & getting part time job to help out with the finances? It would be big help in providing all of the extras that the kids need now they have activities and school supplies.
I think if your approach is that way she would not be offended. Good luck
It’s on your mind, she’s your wife. You should be able to bring any of this up to her.
BTW may I recommend you get a vasectomy?
You’re young for starters, I have girlfriends in their early 30s, not married, no kids, and still trying to establish their careers. There’s always time to change jobs, or start a new course etc. I think sitting your wife down and being honest is key here or then what’s the point in marriage if you can’t communicate?
Reading what you expressed made me sad, if my partner sat me down expressing himself like you, and asking if we could change things a bit, I would do it in a heartbeat. Knowing my man is depressed and struggling, doesn’t have purpose or feel like he’s not missed or loved would honestly break my heart.
Be honest, and see what you two can come up with. I worked in daycares and some parents put their babies in as young as 6 months, i know it’s not for everyone, but a couple days during the week so extra money can be made just for starters why not? Even maybe getting a nanny? Just for some extra help, They can sometimes be a lot cheaper then daycare.
You will also feel a lot better making future goals, planning a family holiday or weekend away. Setting up goals to do things that make YOU happy.
Wishing you all the happiness
I’m so sorry you feel this way. You definitely need to tell your wife how you feel. Your emotions and well being are as important as hers.
You can tell her that you understand that was your agreement in the beginning but things have changed and you really need this and that to feel better.
Describe your emotions like you did in this post, highlight that you appreciate everything she is doing as sahm. And suggest to think of a plan together that would be good for both of you. You are a family and a team and should support each other.
The inflation caused by corporate greed has changed things. Cant be on a single income unless you’re a CEO or lawyer or doctor. You’re not changing your mind about her being a SAHM. The situation has changed and she needs to adapt.
Also, stop breeding.
You need to tell your wife how you are feeling ASAP. Your life could literally depend on this. I went through this a year ago and got to the point I was ready to end it and had it all planned out because I believed my family was better off without me. I decided to tell my wife to see her reaction. It broke my heart to see the pain and fear in her face when I told her. She saved my life. You need to tell her what you are going through.
INFO: “We seperated once because of my behaviour”
Tired and distant, spending too much time on your work life, sticking your dick in strippers, doing meth in your car?
Meet us halfway here
Yo OP give us an update on how this goes.
I am hedging my bet on she shuts you down big time.
You made an agreement. Be prepared for her to leave just saying.
Financially how would you cope if you worked a typical 37 hours and your wife continued as she is.
Bear in mind that if your wife was working you would have to pay for childcare.
I dunno if i’ll get downvoted for this but i think you should’ve discussed this better while.making a decision abt her being a SAHM. For refference my gf and i are also discussing her being sahm when we have kids. Now you said it yourself, you’re supposes to be a breadwinner and she’s sahm. Which should mean, you make money and she takes care of house and kids, like thats what her “job” is supposed to be not a life long vacation. The whole point of splitting the chores is when you have 2 earners household. You shouldnt have to do chores after long hours, instead she should make it possible for you to bond and connect with her and your kids. Sure, if you mess up a plate or something and clean it, or you sleep in once and make a bed after getting up, you should do that. But working 60hrs a week to come home and clean kitchen, bathrooms and what not is not okay nor is it fair to you. Im not saying being SAHM is easy, but lets be honest, she has enough time to both take care of the kids and do chores. I know u wanna make her happy and all, but thats pointless if its making you miserable, she’s being very unconsiderate and unfair. Talk it out and sort it out
I think you should have the conversation about family planning and part-time work now. Don’t want this new baby to go into school and find yourself with another surprise.
And working while kids are in school is more than fair. Life is expensive.
It’s okay for you to ask. It’s also okay for her to refuse, and leave you again. I’m curious what behavior of yours caused her to leave the first time.
You need to sit down and actually look at whether this will save you any time or money. A six month old baby in daycare is very expensive.
Don’t expect everyone to be happy with your bait-and-switch. You’ve been working long hours, but **your wife has been working 24/7 for years**.
I really felt you. Working for long times, feel like you don’t have a life… express your tiredness to her. I am sure she will understand it. You deserve to enjoy your life too.. Part time is nothing,she can do it. She can even support you working from home without spend too much effort.
You need a break, there is nothing wrong with that. Working part time is no big deal. As long as you guys talk about it and what responsibilities/ bills get paid by who. It’s not a huge request for her. Explain to her WHY you need the break. If she cares about your well being then she will understand. If not, then maybe this is a wake up call you need. Good luck to you
Is it possible to cut some expenses so you can work less hours?
You can’t make a unanimous decision on what your wife will or won’t do, no. But you can present a problem – your inability to work these hours or afford this lifestyle – and come to a conclusion together. Maybe that’s cutting back spending, maybe it’s relieving you of why household chores, or maybe it is her going back to work.
Whatever the situation, she won’t be making much money, if anything at all. She has no employment history, no job skills, no education. Why is that? Because you both agreed she’d never need them. So for her to go back to work, even part-time, she’ll likely need to receive some sort of education – a certificate program at least – and find free or low-cost childcare if it’s during the hours you work.
This isn’t a quick fix. This is why making life decisions as teenagers is a terrible idea.
As a person who is in your situation and has been for the better part of 15 years, I know exactly how you feel. I’m 36 now and have worked 7/12s since I was 21. It’s exhausting. My oldest is 11 and wants to go fishing. It’s always not today dad has to work. Or maybe next time. Or whatever.
Then, on the wife front, it seems never enough. We get told paying bills is the bare minimum. The thing is, all the things you think they want. They don’t.
Here is how I fixed some of these issues. I handed all the money to my wife one day. Switched all direct deposits over to her bank account and sent her all the bills. I take a small portion of my check to my own account for what I need to live on through the week, and she gets the rest. Now I take off when I need to or when I want to, and it’s up to her to figure out what we should be spending money on. The cars and such that I felt she wanted were the first to go. As time progressed, she felt she had more control over finances, and I felt I had less worries over the things my family didn’t have.
With that being said, I still work a ton, but I have been able to leave my job for a job that offers some 40-hour weeks. This has been in the last 6 months, and my relationship with my wife and kids has never been better.
She doesn’t need the things you think she does, and you need things that you are ignoring. Fix it together.
Listen, everything is going to be okay, and telling your wife now will help. Even if it takes time for a new system to be in play to help, your wife is there, and you would want her to come to you if she felt that way. She will understand and it’s better to do it now rather than later.
Look, this time in your lives sucks. I’m sorry, but it does. If you are a parent of multiple small children, you will be exhausted and lonely most of the time. If she gets a part time job you’ll still be busy and lonely. It would be a great way to have a little pocket money, but don’t forget that even older kids need to be picked up from school and shuttled to practices and events, or even just watched until a parent gets home. If one of them stays home sick from school, who will watch them? When will grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, and everyday cleaning get done? That’s right, on the weekend or on weeknights while y’all are both exhausted. I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but for the foreseeable future you both will be struggling. Try to keep the mindset that you both are working towards the goal of kids who can care for themselves, and that’s a long term goal. You may be able to enjoy life when the older ones are teens. Good luck.
What do you do for work? Just curious. I would honestly find a different job time with family is super important.
Easy, downsize your living. Cut a few major expense out so you can drop a day or 2 overtime and spend time with your family. You get your days off, she gets to stay at home, everyone wins. But definitely express to her how u are feeling and in order to keep going, the budget cuts are necessary. An understanding non selfish wife would be okay with this.
I’m glad to read that you are already receiving mental health care as you are taking medication. I’m sure it’s hard to stick to seeing a mental health professional between your jobs and family commitments.
Please sit her down and talk with her about her finding a part-time job, getting her G.E.D. ,and your feelings of not being needed (by her or the kids). I’m 100% sure they love you and miss you.
Bonding with your children is so important! I think it’s necessary for both parents to have time to bond with the kids.
Also, I think it’s so great that you are concerned about your wife getting alone time. Dont forget, You deserve it ,too. Even bi-weekly or something, anything.
I would sit her down when yall are both able to focus on each other only.
“Babe, I’ve got some concerns that are keeping me up at night. I feel like I’m not forming a healthy bond with our kids. I’m so thankful that I can provide for you to stay at home and love our kids. Could we look at me getting more time with the kids? Maybe we could get you out of the house more ? We could get you a part-time job, and I could let one of my extra jobs go. I’ll be happy to be at home with our children. I’m hoping it will help me bond with our babies. Also, maybe we could look at us both getting our G.E.Ds because it would help our family in the long run. And maybe we could get a babysitter or your Mom to watch the kids so we can get a date night occasionally? What are your thoughts?”
Good luck and I hope you prioritize your mental health.
Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Maybe read it with her.
I think marriages that last are really a series of marriages to the same person. We must reevaluate and change course as we grow as individuals and families.
People who don’t make it say stuff like:
“But you said X 10 years ago and I am holding you to it”
People who do make it say:
“We can talk through this and see each other’s perspective. What will change look like? How can we make this safe for both of us?”
I start these conversations with, “I have a problem and could use your thoughts for solving it.” Then see where things go. This is a deep, long conversation. Not being able to go to Disney with the family hurts.
If you don’t take a break and reduce your stress you will snap and say or do something that you will regret.
I would say reduce your hours first. Take some time to de stress, spend time with your kids, tell them you love them.
Do this before sitting down with wife and telling her about your stress and concerns.
Please don’t have a conversation without de stressing it will not help you have a productive conversation.
Finally, if your wife says no or still expects you to work with she is SAHM, you should work in what you can control and reduce your hours and cut down on spending.
I know how this sounds, but you need to be present in your kids life.
You and your kids will prefer their dad in their rather than always working.
Also, you need to talk to someone who is on your side 100%, don’t waste time trying to convince someone who doesn’t care about what’s best for you.
For your wife, have her look in to being a childcare provider. If she could watch 1-2 additional children a week (with the baby at home) that’s minimum $600 a week ($300 per kid). I know when I was pricing childcare, the minimum I found for my twins was $2k per month (both) and the average was about $3k.
Explain all the above to your wife. If she loves you, she will hear you. Then, suggest something like I say above. One day she could grow it to a big business (watch “Daddy Day Care” on a date night with her it’s a funny movie). She’s already experienced with kids and that will bring enough income to let you breathe. And I know just adding two more kids to babysit is a lot of work but so is being a working mom. Weigh all the options.
Also an idea for you, and again not sure if it’s valid option, but my BIL grew a 6-figure lawn care business starting out at just advertising on Facebook to cut people’s lawn or plant flowers/mulch. I know it was only after he got off work at his regular job at first but he had so much interest that he was as able to go part time then quit his regular job. He didn’t finish high school. I have my doctorate degree and he makes more than me. Education isn’t everything, it’s the drive and economy. You both are young so go get it!
Why is she not doing 100% of the house work? That’s the deal, you work to provide. She should be the one working the home and making sure you don’t have to do any of the house work.
Why do you need to work 50-60 h weeks? Do you have money issues or a lifestyle issue? And either way, why did you have a third baby if you’re already tight on money? Did you want a third kid?