TLDR/ This morning I found out that my bf of almost 3 years got a happy ending massage while I was away with family and I couldn’t believe it.
He’s usually the most loving, caring and affectionate bf anyone can have. He always prioritizes me in his life. We have a great relationship, we rarely ever fight and we have great sex.
Recently he’s being extra affectionate to me and I had a weird feeling about it but disregarded it because I didn’t think my loving bf would do anything to hurt me.
However, we got on the topic of dealbreakers this morning and I said cheating would be one of them. He made a weird face and I asked him as a joke if he did anything.
Then he confessed to me that he went to a happy ending massage about a month ago when I was away and it was recommended by a friend. I was immediately shocked and cried and went home.
He was being super sorry and apologetic. His excuses were that it was just an one time thing, he would never do it again and he wasn’t being himself (life stresses maybe?).
He said he would understand if I want to end things because of this. However, if I do forgive him, he would give it 100% to try to regain my trust. Such as going couples counseling, going to therapy himself and working on himself.
Ultimately it’s up to me right now wether to continue this relationship or not. I feel super hurt and confused to why he would do this. I most definitely saw a future with him but I would also feel super stupid for forgiving him for something like this.
How would I know if he wouldn’t do this again?
Have you ever forgiven your partner for a mistake they confessed to you and what were the outcomes?
Should I forgive him?
If I do, how can I get over this ?
33 comments
No it’s not ok, it’s cheating so don’t let him tell you otherwise.
He made a conscious decision to do that behind your back and he made a conscious decision to hide it from you until you asked.
No, that’s not okay. That’s cheating. His excuses are horrible and don’t make sense – he doesn’t need another individual to get off while you’re away and destress. He was fully aware of what he was doing and chose to do it.
>Have you ever forgiven your partner for a mistake they confessed to you
It wasn’t a mistake. He made an active decision to pay another woman to jerk him off and make him cum. This is cheating. Your boyfriend cheated on you and he didn’t even see an issue with it. I’m sure if he paid someone to have sexual intercourse or give him a blow-job you wouldn’t be asking if it’s cheating, it shouldn’t be taken more lightly just because it was a hand-job.
Your choice if you want to stay with someone like that or not but yes chances are it will happen again and at the very least you will be constantly paranoid and wondering if he’s doing it behind your back anytime you are away in the future.
I would consider it cheating myself
I’d be shocked too, and sick to my stomach. He paid for a woman to masturbate him. Knowing how many of those women end up in those ‘jobs’ makes me physically ill. And he was OK with this. At minimum, his judgment is incredibly bad. I think it’s worse than that as he intentionally went there for the express purpose of paying for a handjob. The ‘friend’ who recommended it? I’d have his balls as earrings.
You are the only one who can decide if you can get past it. You may want to have him move out for a month and consider how this changes how you view him. Couples and individual counselling would be helpful, even if you ultimately do not end up together.
For him, it’s something he did weeks ago. For you, the damage is fresh. You will need time to process it. Use that time to consider if you believe you CAN eventually move on from it. In my situation, we moved passed the indiscretion but it took a couple of years for me to truly ‘forgive’ him. I never forgot it, though.
A mistake is forgetting your wallet in the morning.
He got information from a friend, made an appointment, attended the appointment, and agreed to a happy ending. There are multiple places in this string of events where he could have made a different decision. He also knew that it is wrong, which is why he had not shared that information with you.
What else has he done? You will never know. I would find it very difficult to rebuild trust after something like this.
You aren’t married. Keep your life simple and find a more suitable and trustworthy partner.
Also want to add that many of the women working like this are sex traffic victims. The fact that he exploited a likely victim is even more disgusting than if it was a random hook-up.
I forgave my husband 18 years ago for having sex with a woman he barely knew because he swore it would never happen again. Recently I found evidence that makes it seem like he was with a hooker. I can’t afford to divorce. He cheated so easily, and our sex life was always great. I cook and clean and run our business plus have another job. It doesn’t matter what you do or how great a spouse you are. Cheaters keep cheating because they don’t care about you or your feelings. Wedding vows mean nothing to them. My husband actually said to me when he got caught, “it has nothing to do with you.” I’m trying to end this marriage once our finances improve. He has taken thirty years of my life I can never get back.
He’s almost 30, he knows what’s right and what’s wrong, and there’s absolutely no way he thought this was ok and you’d be ok with it. I’d consider it cheating.
Call it as is, he had a handjob from a professional. Are handjobs from other women ok?
definitely cheating. he would understand if u broke up with him? sorry but he knew what he was doing and he probably didn’t care to hide it too much and just told you because you asked. men like this will always cheat and will stay with you until you leave because they know they wont find better and too lazy to look. Break up!
What do you mean he wasn’t being himself? This is him! Stress? We all get stressed. Don’t excuse his behavior!!
My biggest problem is that he *sought it out*. I have a friend who had no clue in the world that the spa near his work was that sort of business when he went and got a sauna, soak & massage package after work one day…a person *can* accidentally wind up in that situation and I *think* I could forgive a guy who just kinda went with it if that was the case (mine would be horrified but might also be at a total loss). I might even be able to understand a reckless impulse.
…..but your BF went *on purpose*, on a friend’s recommendation….and I gotta wonder why the friend felt like your bf would welcome the information.
Girl, think of your future. Are you okay with possibly being married and having kids with the old creepy man that frequents the massage parlour requesting happy endings? Genuinely asking because I know some wives are fine with it as long as it’s a paid service. :/
>He always prioritizes me in his life.
Not this time.
>he would never do it again
He will.
>Have you ever forgiven your partner for a mistake
It wasn’t a mistake. He thought about it, planned it, booked an appointment specifically for while you were away, paid for it, turned up for the appointment, and cheated on you.
>Should I forgive him?
No.
Sorry this has happened to you OP. Please don’t stay with someone like this.
FYI, these aren’t actual massages. They’re just called that. He deliberately went and paid for sex. Run.
Well if he got a hand job. Ask him how he would feel if a man fingered you.. if he got a Blowie how would he feel if a man ate you out.. if he had full-blown sex did he use protection. Ask him how he would feel if you had full-blown sex with a man.. would he forgive you and give you another chance.. if he says no, then say you have your answer and real friends would get him to go to a place like that.. I think his friend doing all he can to split you both up.. and make sure your partner knows that as well
You should just drop him. I get that you love him and everything but it’s just unacceptable. He took his opportunity when you were away with family and now he’s saying sorry. He ain’t sorry. He did what he did and he knew what he was doing. He didn’t even have a second thought like “Man. My girl would hate this. Should I do it still?”. If he kept it for this much then it’s obvious he knew you wouldn’t be okay with it. I can’t believe there’s people like that think it’s okay to do whatever they want. Especially when you’re away. He’s just making excuses. Drop him. Don’t fall into his trap with his manipulative words. You deserve someone better
The fact that he made a face when you said CHEATING is a dealbreaker meant HE KNEW IT WAS CHEATING before you even said it.
That’s why he reacted specifically to that statement from you. I feel sick just reading your post. You should feel sick if you’re actually considering staying with him.
What is “okay” in a relationship is between the people in the relationship.
The really telling thing here is that you said cheating was a dealbreaker and *he* put the happy ending massage into the cheating category. He considered it cheating when he did it and he knew you would consider it cheating. And he did it anyway.
I have no problem with my partner getting a happy ending massage but that doesn’t make it OK for your relationship. Don’t worry so much about what’s okay in other people’s relationships and focus on what the expectations are in your own. That’s all that matters.
But I think the way this conversation went down, he knew what the expectations were, and he made the choice to ignore them. He wasn’t confused about what was and wasn’t okay.
completely crude response that is completely legit:
Would bf (ex bf) be ok with some random guy fingering you until you came in the dressing room of Target? And you gave the person $10 for it?
Do you think intentionally paying someone to make you cum is a MISTAKE? A mistake is putting mayo on a sandwich instead of mustard.
Walking into a building, with money, to explicitly state “make me cum” is NOT a mistake.
He isn’t remorseful, he doesn’t think he did anything wrong, and if (you should totally break up) if you break up, he will say you over reacted, because he thinks it’s a MISTAKE.
He didn’t know after 3 years together that cheating was a dealbreaker?
Smart guy
The right question is…what do you consider as cheating? I mean in basic details.
If you consider any touch of your bf’s genitals by someone else…he has cheated.
To me is cheating even kissing, emotional affair or any form of seeking other partner ( like having a dating profile etc).
I reckon you should go get yourself a happy ending and let him know afterwards and see how he feels about that.
I wouldn’t be ok with it… Someone else got him off.
Ew ew ew. Nope move on. There is absolutely no excuse for this. Time to leave. I wouldn’t be able to cope with this
Mental health problems is not a Get Out of Jail Free Card for being a shitty person. He thinks because he confessed he can have his cake and eat it too. No, just no, enough internet for me today.
why not ask him how he would feel if you paid someone to finger you until you came as it is the same thing i can bet money that he will say it is cheating
Fuck that.
If a gf of mine got a happy finger ending after a massage, she’s out that door
He cheated by getting a handy when he could have used his own hand? And he paid for it? The level of disrespect is astounding. Don’t forgive. Break up.
allowing someone to stroke your penis until you climax doesn’t feel like something that falls into the mistake category.
Yuck no totally inappropriate and unacceptable.
He’s your ex now….
News flash. Letting someone jerk you off who isn’t your girlfriend is cheating.
Talking about it with a friend, making the appointment, driving to that appointment, and going through with it isn’t a mistake. It’s gross and disgusting behavior taking advantage of sex workers that 75 percent of the time don’t want to be there or are forced to be there. That place could have gotten raided at any moment, causing further embarrassment for you and his family. He could have brought stds home to you as well. None of this is a mistake.