I keep thinking about my ex-gf while in my new relationship.. am I even ready?

**TL;DR:**

**I don’t think my girlfriend or I are over our past relationships.**

**I feel like I’m sabotaging my new relationship by comparing her to my Ex-Gf. I seem to fixate on things I don’t like and make them a big deal when I’m consciously I’m trying to focus on what makes us great.**

**I don’t think she is being honest with her feelings about how over her Ex-Bf she is and it’s becoming apparent. I feel like her love for me has plateaued.**

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I’ve known my ex-gf for 7 years. We dated seriously for 4 and the for the last 3 years we’ve been in and out of a situationship. We were actually decent together but I felt as though we were so young when we met and faced so many issues that a lot of things became irreparable. So I finally cut her off cold because during one of our many breaks, I ended up finding someone new. My ex was completely heartbroken and gutted. She thought we were growing stronger and better together. That wasn’t the case. I was heavily dissociating and looking for a way out. I felt incredibly guilty and still haven’t forgiven myself for wasting her time.

This was half a year ago. I’ve then started dating my now new GF and things have been going decently well. When we first met, we hit it off immediately. We became very fond of each other fast. We knew it felt special. We bonded on a lot of things and realized we had similar dating histories. However, she’s completely unlike any other woman I’ve ever dated. I’m an ambivert and she’s a total extrovert in every sense of the word. Her friend is group is bigger and more diverse. She’s around higher value people. Opportunities for her to have an exploding social life are in abundance. She’s busy doing exciting things everyday. I’m used to dating quieter more reserved women. This has inevitably given us complications but I feel that I’ve been very open minded and handled them well with her and she agrees.

I have a very hard time letting someone in when it comes to intimacy and love. I can have multiple sexual partners and have shockingly low feelings attached but when my emotions are involved, I tend to fixate on everything my partner does that I don’t agree with. It’s completely black or white for me. Everything suddenly becomes a big deal and if I don’t like what I hear, I get extremely judgey. This has always been me. I subconsciously fixate on things I don’t like and look past the things that make us great.

She’s never mentioned that I’m either judgmental or insecure but I know that I can definitely come across as such sometimes. I have a knack of trying to deeply analyze the people that I love in my life so I can figure them out better and show understanding. But when I can’t understand or not immediately empathize, I tend to get anxious and form conclusions and make comments that aren’t conducive to healthy relationships.

She’s a very verbal person. She says more than she does. I always call her out for actions over words. Do more, talk less. She tells me that she loves me a lot and I convince myself she does. But I just don’t feel a genuine love that I once felt from my ex, and that’s unfair to say because I’ve obviously been in relations with her for the last 7 years. I hate the fact that I’m unhealthily comparing things that she does to what my ex did. I’m doing what I can to consciously be in the moment but I can’t help but think if I rushed into something too fast and I’m not healed.

I feel that it’s creating a wedge and I’m becoming more and more used to getting frustrated with her now. What once was this amazing bond that we shared is now feeling like I rushed into something too fast and I idealized what I saw/felt. I can’t help but feel if I made the wrong decision and should have worked things out with my ex. It’s all horrible but the truth.

Coincidentally, she was also in an on-again off-again relationship with her ex for a long time too. Her ex cheated on her multiple times and she still took him back. She rationalizes this because he felt like she never loved him in a genuine way either. Even though this was 2 months prior before meeting me, she has then expressed how she is 100% over him and does not think about him at all.

My honest opinion is that I don’t think we are 100% over our ex’s. Now that things are getting serious, I’m unhealthily comparing her to things my ex would or wouldn’t do. Even when consciously focusing on the positive I seem to fixate on what I don’t like about her. This can be a form of resentment from a deep rooted insecurity that she can probably do better than me due to her outgoing nature. I feel that in time, her love will become more apparent to me and I will find that true but I don’t know how to stop fixating moving forward.

For her, I feel like her capacity to love me has plateaued and is now supplemented with verbality. She still does things to show me she loves me with actions and I can see us growing closer but I’m skeptical if she feels that we are right for her each other. I feel like maybe because of her dating history and background she might unintentionally gravitate towards someone that aligns more to what she’s looking for.