Life dealt me some tough cards. Mother died when I was 19, one week before my 20th birthday. Father developed a crack addiction and started hoarding to cope with the loss. Gave up on my art degree because my mother was sick and dying and the stress tanked my grades. Spent 21-22 getting prerequisites to try my hand at a career in science, got accepted to all universities I applied to. Dropped out due to mental health problems at 23. Had a year of almost nonstop panic attacks, intense depression, and uncontrollable negative thinking. Slipped into psychosis when I was 24. Got hospitalized, got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Spent a year recovering. At 25 I enrolled in a programming course at college. Spent 2.5 years getting an advanced diploma in computer programming. Did the whole thing online during the pandemic and then graduated last month to a job market in recession and the tech Industry basically grinding to a halt as far as new hires go. Now I can’t find a job.
At this point, I’m 27, living at home with my father, have about 4k in savings I scrapped together over the last few years doing odd jobs. And I’m just sick of it. I can’t find the motivation to try, I can’t find the will to try again. I’m not suicidal and not really even depressed, I’m just having a crisis of faith for lack of a better word. I don’t really have any faith I’m gonna find myself in a life I’m happy with. Now I’m not saying I can’t find myself In a life where I’m well off. If I busted my ass and tried as hard as I could, I could probably have my own house and be financially stable when I’m 35. Maybe finally have the money to start doing hobbies like traveling, and pick up art again when I’m 40. But I just can’t find the motivation to put in the hours. I’ll always just feel behind, and get to look back on my 20s, my apparently “best years of my life” as nothing but suffering. Everytime I tried to improve I kept getting hit with fastballs. Now I get to sit around watching my friends buy homes, get married, travel, talk about getting there masters and starting businesses. And I get to sit at home and try and make sure my dad eats something and gets enough sleep so hes not up all night smoking crack and get anxiety if I can afford a pizza this week because it’s the only time I can treat myself, which then I feel stressed because I’m not making any money. My friends are always telling me about this cool new thing they’ve bought or how they’re ordering out for the 4th time this week. I can’t do any of that.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m not suicidal but fuck me I just don’t wanna try anymore. I don’t see the point. Why keep trying? So I can feel behind in life by a decade? So I finally start buying a house, traveling, buying things I like only for my friends and family to have done all this years earlier so I don’t get to feel like I can share that with someone? Maybe go back and get a history degree, I always wanted to be a historian. But I’ll be in class competing with people 20 years younger than me for work. Nothing I’m ever gonna do is gonna feel like an achievement because I’ll be so out of sync in life. My full potential is forever fucked. Life just sucks.
I don’t even really know what I’m asking. I just don’t really know where to go from here. I just suddenly felt this way while staring at an empty word document trying to write another one of many job applications that nobodies gonna read.
If you have advice, that would be awesome. If not, thanks for listening.
Cheers.
6 comments
33 here – no degree, small social network, health issues left and right. I feel the “what’s the point” thing very strongly as many of us do that unfortunately weren’t set up to succeed at an early age. The main thing that I keep coming back to is that I’m not dead, and that means I still have choices. We’ll all be dead soon enough, so why not just play this game as wild as we can? That’s my angle anyways. I’m back in school finally finishing my degree and my plans are pretty big, which drives me forward and somewhat keeps me sane.
Also, your environment is a very challenging one, which definitely is coloring your reality. Is there any way you could move out and have someone else help pops? You could just get a unskilled job or internship until you land something that pays well. Or you could continue school (in person would help with mental health stuff too) and just bite the bullet with student loans to get a Graduate degree which would definitely help you get a job and will pay for itself eventually (plus there is a lot of financial aid available these days).
Sounds like you are comparing yourself to others a lot as well. You really gotta cut that out. Again, some people were setup well at a young age, many were not. That’s just the cards we were dealt, so we just have to work harder. Dwelling on it just wastes precious time that could be used doing something productive or that you enjoy. I’d recommend getting off all social media if you can, and even limit reddit as much as possible. That’s helped me a lot. Also got off caffeine, which helped with the anxiety a ton. Hope this helps, and good luck!
Keep going OP.
You’ll get it.
My twenties were shit.
I didn’t get my stuff together until my mid 30’s… even then, it was still a crap shoot.
Then Covid shutdown happened on my 40th birthday.
Now I’m WFH 100% in cybersecurity.
I’m happy w/ the direction my life is taking.
Kids, wife, etc…
Just try to think in the manner, tomorrow is always a new day…
Put enough positive days together… try not to let the negative ones get you down.
You’ll be fine.
Start saving for that house you mentioned… it’s a long term goal to have. I’d also recommend a short term one. That’ll help get you out of the “funk” and give you resonable things to look towards in the immediate future.
Fix the things within your control, and focus on one task at a time.
1. Start sleeping enough every day
2. Eat for nourishment and make sure you eat enough
3. Exercise daily – stretching, calisthenics, and cardio
4. Get 10-20 minutes of sunlight on your skin daily
5. Spend time meditating or stimulating your spirituality every day
6. Visit your friends and family on a weekly basis – go to special events, plan events to bond with loved ones over
7. Spend at least 15 minutes reading every night before bed
8. Exercise moderation in your vices (drugs, video games, pornography, alcohol, insufficient sleep, etc.) and limit them to occasional luxuries, not everyday habits
9. Don’t stop developing your skill set. Keep refining yourself, even if its the most subtle improvement, it still counts
Every small step forward counts. Shit, just standing back up and catching your breath for a second counts. Focus on the things you can control first and make those your priorities. The stuff outside of your control, you just gotta hang in there for. You just have to ride out those struggles, and keep becoming a better man. Eventually you catch your stride.
Winners never quit. Quitters never win. I know this probably sounds ridiculous to you. So just laugh at the ridiculousness, and take one tiny step forward at a time. Focus on the necessities first, then focus on everything else afterwards if you have time. Your health is most important first and foremost. Focus on getting healthy and the rest follows, as long as you continue to work on yourself.
Sometimes looking at the big picture is overwhelming, when that happens I just like to focus on one tiny thing I can fix. Then once I’m done with that, I move on to another tiny thing. Eventually you run out of tiny things to fix and you start hammering away at the really big things. If you get tired, take a breath, slow down, rest and recuperate, and then once you’re good again, get back to work. There’s always something we can improve, and we will never know what kind of impact those tiny improvements make in the long term unless we handle them now.
Dude, look at your resolve! Look what you’ve already overcome! Own your journey, be kind to yourself. I don’t think you need any advice here. You’ve already shown the strength needed to get over this last hump. Keep at it you’ll find a job.
In this current technology market, a lot of these companies are turning to consultants over full time employees so that they can cut jobs faster without paying severance if needed. I know it sounds shitty, but try finding technology consulting jobs. They’ll get you placed with a company where you can get experience in the interim. A lot of them can get you contract to hire positions where the company can hire you away at the end of the assignment if they want.
Just want to say, I get it. There isn’t much to get excited about when you look at the way you’re “supposed” to do life.
I highly suggest finding something to do that has nothing to do with a career or moving forward. Sometimes we have to be present with what is, in order to find what’s better.
I’m 41 today and only started making friends over the past four years or so. My life today is more rich and peaceful than at any other point.
And all because I stopped doing what I was supposed to be doing and focused on what I wanted. It took years to identify what **I** desired because I was so out of touch with myself.
Spent a lot of time distracting myself from me and it was the source of so much suffering. Much like you I wasn’t suicidal, I just couldn’t seem to find the point in any thing.
I had to learn to surrender.
Wow those really are some tough cards! And despite all of that you have persevered and come so far! I know you don’t feel it, but really you should be proud of yourself dude. Like that’s some serious work you’ve done and serious progress. It’s totally natural and understandable to feel stuck and question things. We all have those times. You just have to keep on keeping on. I have found that every period of significant growth in my life has been immediately preceded by my lowest and darkest moments. There’s no gift like the gift of desperation. I’m sure things will turn for you soon. Best of luck and I wish you peace and happiness.