I (29F) realized I messed up with my ex (29M). I don’t know how to proceed.

I made a post around the holidays about recent events between my ex and I. I will try to have a brief recap.

We met around this time last year and dated through the summer. I honestly expected it to just be a summer fling, but at the end, before he started his job, he asked if we could be an official couple.

The time with him was absolutely amazing. Friends commented that we were rushing, but it honestly didn’t feel like it. We were so happy together.

Things started to take a turn back in September. My drinking was getting out of control, and there was a night that I won’t forget. I wad horrible to him and thought he was going to break up with me after what I did, so I ended things with a text. It really hurt me when he said he felt incredibly disrespected and hurt with what I did to him.

We tried again a month later, but it only lasted for a night. I gave him an ultimatum that he had to stop speaking with his ex that he cheated on with. He said that they were only friends, and only talked to catch up with life since they are in the same field. He said he neve hung out with her (public or private) out of respect for our relationship and that he was being completely transparent with me. I claimer that he wasn’t over her and that he only talked to her because he felt bad. He mentioned that if he felt bad he would have removed himself completely. He did therapy and seems to have come to terms with his actions and is in a healthier mindset. I never once suspected him of being unfaithful.

He told me he wasn’t comfortable ending a platonic friendship with her and I told him I never want to see or hear from him again. He walked out and that was the last I’ve heard or spoke to him.

After talking with a therapist I realize that I was too hard on him and using his past to weaponize to deflect what I was experiencing. I was simply projecting.

Since the breakup I’ve tried to him out of my head. Everything from switching careers to one night stands, but the hookups honestly made me feel worse the next day.

I really loved this man. He was nothing but incredible and kind to me. Always willing to go out of his way (watch my pets, do my dishes, buy me flowers) and I just took it all for granted. It makes sense now that when he said he was doing this all because he loved me. If he wanted to be with his ex, he would’ve been with his ex.

I was listening to the radio and What Hurts the Most came on and I couldn’t stop crying remembering that I threw away the most healthy relationship I’ve had.

I heard through mutual friends that he hasn’t been seeing anyone since our breakup, which makes me feel even more gross about my hookups. Some tried to set him up with others, but he’s not interested. Apparently he doesn’t ask about me because a friend said he took the breakup incredibly hard – to the point where he stopped going to hang with a certain group for months. He’s back out with friends again and a recent picture showed that he’s clearly been spending more time working out.

I’m wondering what do I do? At this point we’ve been broken up longer than we’ve been together, but I can’t get him out of my head. Would it be to much to reach out and ask for one more try, or just leave him be and live his life? I don’t know if he has me blocked because he did when we were broken up. He mentioned when we tried again that he was too in love with me that he wouldn’t be able to say no… So is that an indicator that he’d be willing to try again?

TLDR: I fucked up a very healthy and meaningful relationship and I just want to ask for him for one more try. What do I do?