My (28F) husband (28M) and I keep fighting about my weight, and I don’t know where to go from here
I have been with my partner for about 8 years. This issue has been going on for about the last 1.5 years. A year before we got married my then fiancé approached me about losing weight. He encouraged me to lose weight for the wedding. I had already lost about 40 pounds by this point on my own. Me and him were on the same page. I wanted to lose more weight. Shit absolutely hit the fan shortly after this, and to make a long story short, my personal life essentially flipped upside down and I actually started gaining weight. I was drinking more to cope and I was a couple months into taking antidepressants for anxiety. So naturally it was getting harder to not only lose weight, but maintain my prior weight loss. After a couple months I started to come out of it and get my shit together. I saw a doctor and asked for help. I wanted to make sure my body was in good shape to get ready to have kids. Since then I have lost all the weight I gained and then some. I still have more weight to lose. Probably about 30 pounds.
Yes I’m overweight, but I’m by no means obese. My health is excellent. I get blood work once every 3 months, and everything is monitored by my doctor. (I have PCOS and see a reproductive endocrinologist for this.)
Every couple weeks my now husband would say stuff to me about how he wants me to lose weight and how nothing he says is getting me to do it. it really came to a head last weekend. I was making a bagel for breakfast and he kept giving me a hard time about it. That it’s not healthy and it’s sugary, and I’m going to feel like crap If I eat it. And I said I’m very much in the mood for this, I just want to enjoy this one bagel. leave me alone. He stopped but the comment didn’t sit right with me and I brought up my frustrations later in the day. I wanted him to understand that sometimes I have cravings (bc I’m human) and it’s my choice what I put into my body. He broke down, and said he’s upset with me that I’m not losing weight. That everyday he looks at me and gets upset over it. And “don’t I want to wear a bikini like other girls?” And that I couldn’t lose it for the wedding and he feels like now that that is passed, am I ever going to actually do it? We talked it out and I reassured him that I do want to lose weight (which is the Gods honest truth). The conversation was over and we moved on, but it honestly gutted me. I was so upset for days over it. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt like to make my husband happy, I had to lose weight. I felt watched under a microscope. We went on a trip a couple days ago to visit a friend and I felt like I couldn’t eat or drink what I wanted becausel felt watched. I kept thinking, is he getting pissed off bc of how I look, or what I’m ordering to eat?
I couldn’t figure out if my feelings were justified. Yes he’s entitled to say whatever he wants to say to me, but aren’t I entitled to do what I want with my body? I was feeling watched, and controlled, and judged. The world is so body positive and all about acceptance, and yet I feel like my partner in life was putting me down and not accepting me. How could I love and accept myself if my life partner has an issue with the physical me? I just want to be me.
I decided to talk to him tonight about it. I tried explaining that his actions were doing more harm than good, and that I didn’t want to have these conversations anymore. That I wanted to focus on my weight loss on my own, and that as my partner, he should love me unconditionally anyway. Especialy since I used to be heavier than I am now, and it was never brought up back then. I thought when we made vows to each other, that that’s what it meant. This did not go over well. He got very very upset with me. Told me I was making this difficult and that I was the worst. That I “haven’t lost weight for 2 years” (ouch). I kept telling him that his words were doing more harm than good, and I needed support a different way. He told me that was my problem – Fine. I agree. Therefore I didn’t want to have conversations about my weight anymore. He told me “fine be fat”. He said I could be 300 pounds and he wouldn’t give a shit. Then he threw in one final comment about how he’s not having kids with me until I lose the weight. We haven’t talked since.
What can I do. He clearly doesn’t get how I feel. I’m trying the best that I can. I feel like he feels attacked because in his mind he’s trying to support me. We go to the gym together and try and make healthy meals together. And I love that stuff. I just don’t like the comments that put me down, the pressure, and the judgement(even if those aren’t his intentions). I want to know that he loves me for me and even if I never lost another pound, he would still love me unconditionally. He says he does but I feel like his actions speak otherwise. How can I better explain to him how I feel?
TLDR – husband wants me to lose weight but the way he’s going about it is hurting me, doing more harm then good. Looking for advice on how to get my point across.
49 comments
Seems this man has no empathy for your situation. People change over time, is this man going to be like this with everything. What is he going to say when you start getting wrinkles?
Lose a quick 170 pounds and DUMP HIS ASS. This is not ok. The fact that you’ve explained your feelings to him multiple times and he still refuses to listen to you means he is choosing not to respect you… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. In most cases, I would suggest having a conversation with your husband about what he’s doing to upset you, but clearly that’s not an option… maybe try some couple’s therapy? A fresh perspective (even though yours should be more than enough for him) could make him see things clearly?
You know it will never be enough, or the end of it. It will be the weight. Or the hair. Or the wrinkles as someone already pointed out. Or… anything. Does he understand what having children will do to your body?
It sounds like he really liked the idea of a wife, but doesn’t know what to do with an actual in-person thinking, feeling, breathing wife. You’re young enough to cut your losses, regain your self esteem and move on. This boy is not ready to be a husband, much less a father. (can you imagine how he’d treat a daughter!?)
You set a boundary and he doesn’t have to like it, but I’m proud of you for keeping it! No more weight talk from him. If he’s going to be a jerk, he can keep that to himself.
He sounds very focused on appearance.
Do you feel worried that he’s going to talk to a future daughter like this contribute to an eating disorder?
It’s one thing to care about your health. He does not seem to be going about this in a healthy way. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that and the stress of it, instead of being able to focus on your own goals.
This seems really unkind, fwiw.
Please do not feel as if his actions are justified.
You are doing amazing with your weight loss, and I know a couple people who struggle with PCOS, so the fact you are doing so well is amazing! Keep it up!
Your husband is being way too judgmental, you ARE doing your best to improve, but all he sees is the “unattractiveness” in your body. Please do not take that.
He won’t have kids with you because you have body fat? Does he not realize how pregnancy can do the same thing anyways? Your husband is being degrading, no matter how much you or him may try to justify it. If he was truly trying to help you, he’d be doing a different approach.
And please don’t stay with that man. What happens if he’s just like “fine we’ll have children”
And then you give birth to a beautiful daughter?
And then she also gains a little weight?
And then your husband starts ripping on her about how she needs to change herself because “you need to be like the other girls?”
You are perfect the way you are, your health is amazing, and you are active. If you meet those criteria, then there’s no reason for him to judge you for body fat. You’re beautiful, there’s definitely better options than him out there.
Please don’t settle for this guy. He’s not the one.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your husband needs to back off on getting you to lose weight. He’s not actually providing support or encouragement, and his policing of your food choices is out of line. (Newsflash: eating an occasional is not going to make you gain weight, and a totalitarian diet is impossible to stick to.) The way he is behaving is not healthy.
I’d be worried this controlling behavior will escalate.
I’m going to say this straight up. I don’t like your husband. You are healthy and happy and that is all that matters. I’d find a different husband. I couldn’t live with someone like that.
Since this is all still fresh, now would be a great time to ask him to pay for you to get wegovy or semaglutide. One of the new weight loss injections that help regulate your insulin and shrink your appetite. You can tell him you really want to try this to show him you are serious, and if he agrees to if you’d get to speak with a physician who can legit help you. Lose the weight and then leave that asshole 💅🏼 he’s mean to you so make his pockets hurt sis
Oh my… sweetie, I feel for you.
You are in a marital tug of war.
He pulls the rope saying lose weight.
You pull the rope saying leave my appearance out of our conversations.
Neither of you can win this game but you both have to play the game because he keeps tugging the rope.
So…do this… when he says something disagreeable… (he is pulling the rope) look at him (no anger) and say I’m going for a drive, walk, upstairs, sleep on the sofa, whatever. Get away from him temporarily.
Drop the rope means: Don’t engage. Don’t explain. Don’t beg for understanding. Don’t plead your desire for harmony.
Drop the rope.
I’m sorry short and simple he is wrong. He should accept you for you the person. If “looks” all of a sudden are an issue…. That is an issue. YOU the person is who HE should have fell in love with and wanted to marry.
This comes comes from a guy who has experienced the same situation only sides are different and I know it is heartbreaking.
Please don’t have kids with him. He is so on the far side of wrong. He’s not a supportive partner or worries about your health. He is more concerned about bikinis. You should run from this relationship.
This is not normal. This is emotionally abusive.
This is emotional abuse. There are plenty of men out there who will find you gorgeous at your current weight and support you throughout your journey.
Wow… that sounds like my 1st husband. When I was 136lbs (5’7”) he started telling me I was fat. I starved myself for years but was always fat in his mind. I never felt better than when I dropped 185lbs when I left him. I’ve never had such horrible body image since and I weight much more now. My DH wants me to not just look and feel healthy but to be healthy. There is such a thing as losing too much weight. No one can tell you how your own body should feel.
As someone who has struggled with weight my whole adult life, I have gained and lost the same 80lbs multiple times in my 20+ year marriage. Kids, stress, life. Marriage is long and your body will go through various iterations. Not to mention aging. No matter my size, my husband treats me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world.
Tell him you want him to have a bigger “D”. Then ask how that feels.
That being said do you really wanna live like this? How is he gonna-treat you after you have kids? What if your kids are overweight? Do you honestly want to be in this situation for 40-50-60 years?!?!
This is not the kind of man I want to be married too. First you had to lose weight to get married. And now kids. And he is disregarding the fact that you have in fact lost weight. His comments are unnecessary and seems abusive to me. I was 5’4 and 110-115 pounds when I married my husband. I gained weight when I was pregnant with my son and after him I went back down to about 130 pounds. He NEVER complained or told me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I had my daughter and after her I went up to 190 pounds. Afterwards I was miserable and said I wanted to lose the weight. My husband never commented on my body/weight but when k brought it up he did encourage me and I lost 70 pounds. A few years later I injured my back and could no longer go to the gym. After several rounds of steroids (which made me gain weight like crazy) and other medications that caused weight gain, I went up to 250! The heaviest I have ever been. I got serious about my weight loss again and have lost close to 100 and I’m so close to my goal. My husband has been supportive the entire time. He doesn’t judge me when I indulge in something and even when I was heavier he always treated me like the most beautiful woman in the world.
Your husband is awful and you deserve better. Drop the dead weight and find someone who will love you for love and find love that isn’t conditional
Life is to precious for this shit. I’m so sorry he is making your weight the sum of everything. Being concerned for your health is one thing, this is something else… it’s great you’re standing up for yourself, but he doesn’t care to understand you. He just wants to convince you he is right about you. He is absolutely not. This is a him problem, not a you problem.
No amount of explaining yourself will make him care how you feel. And you don’t owe him that. This is horseshit behavior on your husband’s part and you don’t deserve any of it.
What you’re describing about feeling paranoid about eating in front of him is the beginning of disordered eating and you need to take of yourself right now.
He is not entitled to say whatever he wants. He is not entitled to disrespect you or cause you emotional harm.
You are worthy of unconditional love and weight loss should be about feeling good in your body not the result of being constantly berated by a person who is supposed to treat you with kindness.
Nothing is wrong with your body. Nothing.
Your husband came to you as your fiance and told you to lose weight. You married him anyways, I don’t quite understand why yet. He showed you who he truly was. Believe him. He is not going to change and you don’t need to change if you don’t want to. It would be best for your mental health to get divorced.
Body’s will change as we age. We may get fatter. We may get skinnier. We may get wrinkly. We may get spots. We may grow hair in strange places. We may lose hair.
While appearance is an aspect of attraction. There are many other aspects as well. I’d want to be with a partner that understands this. Basically someone willing to grow old and gross with me.
He is mentally abusing you. He isn’t a good guy. You are doing things for your health and his comments aren’t helping.
All I’m going to say is a question my therapist asked me.
“When did you decide your feelings and happiness are worth less than his?”
No one should have a say on another person’s body! Also, keep in mind if you guys do have kids and he is like this now imagine how bad he’ll be when you’re pregnant to make sure you’re eating only healthy. Plus post pregnancy he’ll be on you about getting back in shape!! If he talks about your weight I’m sure he’ll be like this with his kids and obsess over them being skinny. Be careful with this some people will try and put things in your food to lose weight also.
“Then he threw in one final comment about how he’s not having kids with me until I lose the weight.”
“That’s fine as I find I don’t want to have kids with such a shallow, judgemental asshat. Keep the comments up and we’ll see how easy it is for me to lose 180 pounds.”
Seriously… Don’t have kids with him.
The solution isnt to break up immediately but you should voice that the way he behaves could be a deal breaker, you deserve to lose weight at your own pace, its definitely something you should do as the benefits are great, but at your own pace nonetheless. If you feel the need to eat food that’s considered “bad” make an effort just to moderate the intake. I know im a guy and we supposedly lose weight alot easier but i strongly believe when starting something that is a new habit, in order to fully inculcate yourself you need to take baby steps. First you start eating a bit more in moderation, then one day you start changing the types of foods, drinking more water on a daily basis, understanding your body in the gym all that. Sometimes you wont have a support system and you need to voice the risk he is posing to your relationship by behaving that way because if he treats you like shit now in regards to that then why should he enjoy you when you at your fittest, its not right, he needs to show more support, this shit is hard af
I was married to a man that used to tease me about my weight, say I looked like a linebacker and needed to cover up if I wasn’t going to do anything about it. I left his ass and you should leave your monster. There’s men that would love you and be good to you.
He’s abusing you and I know how hard it is to see when you’re in the middle of it but just know there’s better out there.
Alexa, play “tolerate it”
Love, you deserve so much better than this. Please, never have kids with this asshole! The judgements are 100% intentional, and his failure to acknowledge all of the work you’re doing and progress you’ve been making is absolutely asinine. I assure you, this man does not love you. But someone absolutely, definitely, unconditionally will.
Courage.
He sounds emotionally abusive. Do you really want to have children with someone who would treat you like this? What would he do if you gained weight from pregnancy?
Ugggggghhhhhhhhh he is EXACTLY how my EX husband treated me. He even hid my snacks so I couldn’t find them or put them in areas I couldn’t reach (I’m short). I still have PTSD over it despite 1+ year after our divorce and am anxious **to this day** of seeing him in public and just hearing what’s going through his head. That being said, I told men I was dating afterwards straight up that I wasn’t changing my physical appearance for them and that getting with me meant keeping their opinions to themselves. They knew where the door was if their feelings changed. Never had an issue. Even now, I’m 160+ at 5’1 and my bf has not said a word about my weight. He’s nothing but positive about me- says he loves my skin and constantly tells me how hot I am, grabs it all, and I can feel his acceptance so authentically that at this point, any self loathing and laziness really is all on me. Dump this loser and find you someone who wants you as you are
People gain weight. People lose weight. Love shouldn’t be associated with how much you weigh. Your husband is mean and should love you and accept you at your current weight.
I feel sick to my stomach reading this. This man is an abusive asshole. He does NOT have the right to speak to you this way, or police your food (hello he is going to give you an eating disorder!) or demand you lose weight. This is the person who is supposed to love and support you and instead he’s abusing and controlling you. You need to get out. This is a jump straight to divorce situation. You are young; don’t throw your life away on this man.
If I were you I’d probably be petty and start making equally rude comments about him until he gets the hint, or just leave. If you really want to stay… Make him think you’re starving yourself. Like obviously don’t put yourself in danger but make it look like you are and if he says anything being concerned say “you did this to me” or “isn’t this what you wanted?” until he feels guilty
Two words: new husband
This one’s broken. It seems to think it has the right to change you for reasons that are not conducive to your well being. Time to trade it in for a better model
(Yes, I am objectifying him for objectifying you)
You have a shit husband.
I can’t even imagine what a twat he’s going to be after the baby when you’re focusing on recovery and a baby and he’s acting like this. Get out while you can.
Weight is hard enough to lose and maintain the loss by itself. This amount of pressure makes it unbearably hard. It’s one thing for him to encourage you to eat healthy and maintain your progress. But it sounds like he is criticizing you and your body which is destructive. You need to protect yourself now, don’t wait for more damage. Stop telling him that it hurts you, you’ve already explained that. It’s time to prepare to remove yourself from harm. He has 1-2 more strikes at the most. This will be super hard. But super important things are often super hard.
This is a grown man throwing repeated temper tantrums because you are 30lbs overweight. Don’t have kids with him. Ever. Say you get to your goal weight, your PCOS allows you to get pregnant, obviously you gain weight to support the growing fetus inside you, you give birth, you’re sitting at 40lbs overweight, say you have some PPD and losing weight is the last thing on your mind, is this grown man going to keep throwing a hissy fit that you’re 40lbs overweight? Do you think that will be helpful to you as a new mother?
As someone who is/was overweight, you never should have married someone who cares this much about your weight. Overweight people can lose weight, but do you know how many successfully keep it off long term? A discouragingly low percentage.
Well… what’s your BMI?
Sweetheart do you really think bringing kids into your relationship with a man like this will be good for anyone, especially children? He obviously doesn’t care to see how hard you are working to stay healthy. Why do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you or care enough to not tear you to pieces? It sounds like he’s afraid that if you lose the weight you’ll leave him so he’s trying to sabotage you. Leave him anyway and live your best life with people who love you and encourage you
My ex did this to me. He’s gone now.
“He’s entitled to say whatever he wants to me.” No the fuck he’s not. He wants you to be a different person and that is going to break you down until your self esteem is subzero. He is prioritizing what he wants to look at over your mental and physical health. That’s not a person that loves you. I’ve wanted my husband to lose weight before because when he gains a couple pounds he snores (and therefor sleeps poorly) and his back hurts. That’s the ONLY time I would ever say anything: if he is hurting. Because I love him. I love him chunky and skinny. And you deserve love that isn’t contingent on your weight. ESPECIALLY if you have PCOS. Your weight is that much more out of your control and to hold it against you is just cruel. Idk what your comfy weight is, but there are men who *prefer* thicker women. If your husband isn’t one of them then he can go scratch.
Please leave this mistake of a marriage.
You’re right, you deserve unconditional love from the man you married. He needs to hear this in capital letters. If he can’t understand this concept then he’ll never get on board with supporting you the way YOU need, instead of what he thinks will work. I’d give him a hint: being a whiner annoying hurtful pest is not helpful.
I’m petty so I would do it back to him but with his salary. Constantly ask when he’s going to get a better paying job. Tell him you won’t have kids with him until then. Anytime you see him relaxing ask him why he’s not working on career skills. Tell him his current salary embarrasses you and makes you repulsed by him. Sometimes the only way to get people to stop bad behavior is to mirror it and make them deal with it until they stop.
This is like the biggest flag in the stadium sized red flag. He has the right to feel attracted to a certain type, but to get angry with you over your body is super weird. He is lecturing you about health but clearly has no understanding of pcos or the effects on your body. Which, to be frank, speaks pretty clearly to how you would be treated while pregnant. But to make things even worse he is holding having children over your head as punishment?! All due respect, your husband is a bad person. I’m 100% certain you deserve someone that loves you fully, all the way, every inch of you, no matter how many inches of you there are! Some one who wouldn’t hold having children over your head as a punishment for not looking the way he thinks you should. He hasn’t noticed the weight you have already lost now, he won’t notice later either. This will be something he will hold over you forever. You deserve a better man.
Dump his ass. He isn’t worth the pain, depression and issues you will face your entire life married to him. There are so many men out there that will love you the way you are. You deserve better.
What if I don’t want to wear bikinis like other girls? Sorry, I just found it demeaning for him harassed you to lose weight not because he want you to be healthy.
That aside, congratulations on losing the pounds you have lost. He couldn’t see it but we can.
I’m so sorry dude, Jesus that man is an asshole.
I want to say something empowering like start making comments about his dick but honestly…the guys just a cunt,.
Trust me when I tell you that your value is not in pounds and kilos but unfortunately his is.
Leave this guy, enjoy your bagel and the love of.someone who wants you to be happy more than they want you to be a certain size
What you can do is divorce this sack of shit and you’ll lose around 200 lbs instantaneously, and feel much better about yourself afterwards.
And no, he doesn’t love you for you. He belittles you, tries to shame you, compares you to other women, tries to control your diet, guilts you… None of that is loving.