I’m dating a guy and I really enjoy his company. We met a little over a year ago. We get along great and he checks a lot of boxes for me. However, we don’t share similar values and morals. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just “wasting my time“ dating him. We both don’t have any expectations from one another and aside from things we disagree on, we have a lovely time. We’re both aware that lived our experiences have led us to have it different views on things. I know that one day our romantic connection will run its course and I’m okay with that. I’m just curious what everyone else’s thoughts are.
Update to this: we both try to be transparent & we’ve both been clear that we struggle seeing how would make anything work beyond where we are now such as moving in together, getting engaged, etc. We both the try to be mindful & enjoy the time we are spending together currently 🙂
26 comments
I believe that you shouldn’t break up with him just because you don’t see it in a long term. As long as you enjoy it of course. Every relationship makes us grow as people
For me it is a waste of time because I want to get married and have kids. So I’m just wasting precious time if I’m dating a guy I don’t see a future with. Because for me that just means I’m dating just to inevitably get my heart broken so I would rather avoid that. But everyone is different so to each their own
Nope, not a waste of time.
Most social and business relationships do have a shelf life.
Plenty of potential for having some casual short to medium term consensual fun and acquiring more helpful life experience & happy memories.
I dated to marry (engaged now), so if I knew the relationship was 100% doomed, I would consider it a waste of time, yes.
That doesn’t mean you two shouldn’t date though, because in the end, things might change, and you might end up together eventually, who knows? I mean, it doesn’t sound like you believe it’s 100% doomed. If you want to date, date. If you don’t, then don’t.
IMO, I’d wanna date someone that I would wanna marry (not saying that I won’t date anyone) (just no sex until marriage) (other things can still be done, if wanted)
It really depends on what those values and morals are and how important they are to you.
Not quite the same as I can’t put myself in your shoes but some of my best friends hold some completely opposite political values as me. It can lead to some really interesting discussions, they do say never discuss money, religion, or politics but if you can come at it from a respectful position and accept that you will never convince the other person to come fully to your standpoint then I personally think it’s fine.
That’s part of the beauty of us all being unique individuals. Clearly there will be some red lines that you’re not willing to cross but if it comes down to a more ideological level I don’t see an issue with it. This is of course dependent if you can accept that you will always have those differences.
This the issue in modern day times people back then dated for long term ONLY people now date to have a lil fun for two months, if your not dating for long term WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
It would run its course too even if you two shared the same values. Every relationship is an experience. I personally embrace them. If later something major turns you off, you can leave.
Since I only want a LTR, yes it would be a waste of time for me. But, we’re all different and we all want different things so dating someone short term is perfectly fine as long as both partners are aware it’s not going to last.
It is unlikely you are ever going to find someone who 100% exactly shares your values, morals, and/or politics. That being said, if there are substantially different views on things… maybe it is beyond the point of reconciliation. That is for both of you to determine.
I don’t think this is necessarily a waste of time. Maybe you don’t see him as a long-term partner right now, maybe you will in the future. However, if you are certain that this guy is not a long-term option you might want to let him know. Maybe he would prefer to find someone else, maybe not. After a year into this relationship I think he deserves to know.
This depends person to person for sure, but then also each person can answer differently depending on where they are in life.
After getting divorced I thought I didn’t want to settle down again and wanted to be a bachelor for the rest of my time. I dated casually for a few years and had some very nice casual relationships.
Then I met my girlfriend. Now I’m considering marrying her.
I wouldn’t say that the casual dating I did was a waste of time and was beneficial to me because Iearned so much about myself and what I wanted out of life.
I don’t think so. As long as you’re honest with yourself and avoid getting into a LTR with someone you don’t see a future with, I think there is a lot to learn by dating different people. You may find new deal breakers or new boundaries you want to establish dating different types of people. It’s a way to sharpen your tools and expand your emotional intelligence and by the time you meet your forever person hopefully you’ve learned a lot about your self and what you want long term.
Depends on your goals
What other reason would you be dating them? If you’re looking for something serious then yes
Does he know that there is no future?
Have you seriously discussed this with him?
Please don’t string him along if you can help it
Depends on whether you want marriage/kids/buying a house etc. I wasted my thirties with the wrong person and although I’m happy enough being single, for women especially, that ship has sailed. I went into that relationship thinking it was gonna be a fling but ended getting attached, getting messed around like crazy and then single again at nearly 40. Don’t waste time with the wrong person.
The big ones are always kids, marriage, religion, the role of the man and woman in a relationship (or no defined roles at all)… things like that. Those are the deal-breakers. We have a lot of issues fed down our throat at the moment that don’t actually affect us if we don’t pay attention to them, so it is critical that you can distinguish what is a real issue that has an effect on you vs. the society at large (groupthink).
Turns out, without the crap at large you may agree on more than you realize. When push comes to shove it’s what your personal morals and values are compared to what you wish for society. Here’s an example:
*You may be an advocate for legal abortion, but you wouldn’t get one yourself if it came to that.*
Say you’re for it on a societal level but not personally, and he isn’t on both fronts… you guys are likely compatible in that way. Sure, you could be an activist if that suits you, but most people aren’t the vocal minority as far as I know. This is an example, I don’t know what you guys believe. Be weary of letting the elite-driven zeitgeist get to your head. You’re raised to be a free thinker (I hope).
**That’s all to say:**
I’m led to believe the issue *isn’t actually dissimilar morals and values.* I think you making this post alone is enough evidence. I’d bet my money on the fact that you’re not *in love* with him, but you like his company. Big difference. He’s a good friend… with some benefits, and it’s being called a relationship. Now it’s in question. That’s a lot of people, including me, and once I realized this I moved on. So if I were you I’d go find who you actually want to spend your life with. I don’t enjoy the acquainted company of people with dissimilar morals and values, but I’ll hear their points on a debate stage. You’re pointing to that as the problem when it likely isn’t.
In my 20’s, I would have said no. In my 30’s, I’d say absolutely.
I’ve always thought it was pointless to date someone who I knew I wouldn’t have a future with.
Up to you how you want to spend your time though.
It all depends on the situation and honest about the situation. I dated a girl for 2 years and we both knew it wouldn’t work for the long run. We lived in a small town where there was nothing to do and I was in the military. We knew it wouldn’t necessarily work cause I would move eventually. We where open and honest with each other about it. A few months before I was supposed to move she moved to Maine so we did long distance for a little but then I go orders to Florida so we mutually decided it was our time to call it quits. We had an amazing 2 years together. We still talk every now and then as friends but we have both moved on and did very quickly.
You’re not wasting your time bc you will learn and grow from the experiences you have but you are setting yourself up for hurt bc the longer you spend time w someone you will inevitably get more and more attached and will experience more and more grief when you finally get around to cutting it off
I think it depends. If you both have fairly little dating experience and are looking to enjoy company while discovering yourselves in a healthy way through relationships, then it’s not a waste of time. Even in relationships that end, we often learn something about ourselves or what we dont want to repeat.Pretty much all relationships have an expiration date. Ideally, marriages don’t, but it doesn’t always work that way.
Now, if you both are ready to get married, start a family, etc. And have dated others so you feel you know for sure what you are looking for in a partner and for sure what you don’t like,then you are wasting your time.
Yes
There is a Weird Al Yankovic song about this. Look up “Good Enough for Now.”.
If I date someone I date for a long time relationship. I’m on disability so can’t get married but that’s the basic intention.
If your morals and values don’t line up, dot consider it a serious relationship. Key differences like these are terrible for long term commitments. Especially when finances and children get involved.
Is it a waste of time? Well… do you have time to waste? If so.. enjoy it knowing it’ll end… if no, remember one thing ‘ no one can fill a space that’s occupied. You may want to move on and be available for more fitting matches.