So my boyfriend knew I had trust issues and it was so hard for me to open up. It was not easy for me after what I’ve been through. He said he wants to do right by me and although it was hard, he said he loved me and would never do anything. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him. Cut to my birthday. I find out the night before he hung with this girl who seems into him who I wasn’t cool with him seeing. She’d follow him, unfollow him, then blow up his phone saying she’s “sorry for being weird”. They were hanging as a group with other mutual friends the day before my birthday (when I found out) and they went to smoke a bowl then he left.
I asked her if anything is going on. She said no and that she wanted to hang with me too or whatever since they’re “friends” but then she said they hung out a month ago, played pool and smoked at her house. As friends. She said he was respectful and everything.
However, that next day I asked what he did and he said be played pool with random dudes downtown. I believed him and knew he wouldn’t have hung out with her despite her trying to (he told me about it initially) and I said I wasn’t comfortable.
He is trying so hard to make things right. I already had serious trust issues and he ruined it. Im so angry and hurt. I just can’t get over it. He said he’s on his best behavior wand will never lie again but if he cared about me how could he have done this?
He said “cause im a horrible person and I thought since you don’t trust me anyway I might as well just hang out with her” he says he hates himself and feels bad and doesn’t want me to “throw away what we have” but I just can’t let go of it. Im so angry cause I really did trust he was different.
I can’t get over it. What should I do? Should I end things? Am I overreacting?
TL;DR: boyfriend lied about hanging out with a girl twice. I don’t trust him anymore and he already knew I had trust issues. What should I do? Am I overreacting?
7 comments
> He said “cause im a horrible person and I thought since you don’t trust me anyway I might as well just hang out with her” he says he hates himself and feels bad and doesn’t want me to “throw away what we have” but I just can’t let go of it. Im so angry cause I really did trust he was different.
This is 100% manipulative bullshit and THIS more than anything else is the reason you should dump him. Him blaming this on you means he WILL do it again, and it’ll be “your” fault next time too.
here’s the thing. If HE breaks your trust, it’s HIS job to rebuild it.
And “I swear i’ll never lie again” doesn’t do anything to rebuild trust, because he’s lied before– how do you know this isn’t a lie too?
In my opinion, “I know i’m a horrible person and i just figured it didn’t make a difference if i hung out with her because you already don’t trust me” is NOT an apology and is instead indicative of his general outlook which is NOT emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship.
Similarly, i think YOU going into a relationship with trust issues is going to continue to be your downfall. You need to work on that and resolve those issues before entering relationships going forward. Its not fair to let the ghost of your past haunt your future relationships. You will continue to find untrustworthy people and then be disappointed when they demonstrate their untrustworthiness. Until you resolve your stuff, you are going to keep repeating the same mistakes.
Someone who knows you have issues trusting people and betrays you *anyways* is not the one for you.
You’re going to need to separate “I don’t trust you to hang out with this girl” from “I’m upset that you lied to me about hanging out with her.”
The latter is a valid criticism for a specific action that made you feel a certain way.
The former is a long-standing thorn in your relationship where BOTH of you need to sit down, share your feelings on the matter, come to an understanding on each others’ feelings and perspectives, and identify a compromise that you can BOTH agree to. Because if he doesn’t want to sacrifice his friendship for the sake of his gf, and you can’t trust a bf who hangs out with a friend you don’t trust, then your relationship is straight-up not going to work.
Hes a lot younger, the age at which men are still quite immature and hes going out on a date with another woman. Those variables only leave the option of, break it off and find someone older and better.
>What should I do?
I mean, you could date someone your own age. They’d probably be more mature.
He’s full of shit, especially with that horrible person blah blah. If his excuse is that you didn’t trust him so why not do it, then what’s he going to do next?