My (28F) boyfriend (30M) isn’t sure he would move with me for grad school.
I recently brought up with my (28F) bf (30M), who I’ve been with for just under 1 year, that I wanted to talk more directly about what we would do if I had to move for grad school (will be applying this fall, and will likely know what school I’ll go to by EOY or early next year). I’ve been thinking about going back to school for a few years, and had brought this up with him early on/when we first met, but this would be the first time I would consider it a real possibility as we’ve become more serious.
When we talked about it, he let me know that at this point he wasn’t sure that he’d move with me to certain cities, and we both agreed that long distance wasn’t preferred/ideal. He explained basically that we’re still getting to know each other and he would need to make that decision knowing that he’d want to spend the rest of his life with me as it wouldn’t just be a decision for the next couple of years, and some of the places I’m considering are across the country.
I think my fear is that he doesn’t think I’m the one he wants to spend long term with and he knows that now, and for some reason he’s not being fully transparent about that. I don’t have any solid evidence to prove this, but am still feeling super anxious as I invest more into the relationship. He mentioned that he wished I had him meet my family sooner and that’s one thing that I’ve taken note of and will work on making happen. Admittedly, I got pretty emotional when we talked and I’m afraid I came on too strong. Since the conversation, he’s been super sweet and is basically continuing our day to day like normal, maybe a bit more attentive/affectionate.
We both love each other and I don’t doubt that he’s serious about the relationship. I just am having trouble processing what this means – does him not being ready to commit to moving with me mean that he thinks something is missing and doesn’t feel like I’m the “one”, or is it too early to tell and we need to continue to build the relationship?
When would it make sense to revisit the conversation?
TL;DR my bf of just under 1 year does not feel certain that he would move with me for grad school and I’m not sure how to best move forward from here.
4 comments
It sounds like you and your boyfriend had an honest conversation about where you are, which is the most important thing. It seems he was pretty clear that the answer to your question is “too early to tell.” I’d revisit the conversation when you have some grad school acceptances in your hand.
If he doesn’t revisit it, it means he doesn’t want to. May mean he wants to keep the option open to cheat. Or he just likes his own company
He mentioned that he wanted you to introduce him to your family and you’ve been together nearly a year. I think he might be concerned that you’re the one not interested in commitment. If that’s the case, it’s no wonder he would hesitate to uproot his life just to follow your dreams without knowing whether you’re in it for the long haul.
I don’t think it necessarily means that something is missing. He’s just not sure yet. It’s been less than a year, so I think that is completely reasonable and understandable. I think you should just pick where you want to go to grad school and it will sort itself out. Either he’ll realize by then that he wants to come or it just wasn’t meant to be.