My \[F\] SO does not like that I \[M\] masturbate or that I use porn while doing it.
I am diagnosed ADHD \[rx amphetamine-dextroamphetamine\], depression/anxiety \[rx venlafaxine\], and regularly see pain management \[rx tramadol/celecoxib\].
My SO and I have been together for nearly a decade, we have sex once or twice a month/every other month on average. I am hetrosexual and she is bisexual, though she tends to lean more lesbian than hetrosexual, which is where some of our sexual disconnect comes from. She is not a sexual initiator, sexual discussion makes her uncomfortable.
Orgasms are one of the few things that “shuts my brain off”. I frequently bounce from one thought train to another, and physically idle times are when my brain turns it up to 11. My combination of meds tends to mute physical sensation, so I often result to mental stimulation to help “finish the job”. If it’s during sex with my SO, I often have to fantasize about different scenarios with my SO to reach climax. During masturbation, porn usually provides enough random stimuli to get there.
The frequency in which we have sex is acceptable to her, so I tend to satisfy my urges through masturbation. Oddly enough, I find myself watching and searching for porn with women that closely match my SO’s physical appearance. I suppose I’m fantasizing about all the sex that I would like to have with her.
For much of our relationship I would simply do this when the were not at home, asleep, or I knew they would be occupied long enough to satisfy the urge. As time has gone on, our living situation has changed, so privacy and time are less frequently available. Rather than try to find time when she isn’t around, lately I have simply told her I need some time to de-stress. I’ve asked her to participate which is always a decline. The few times she has walked in, she tries to pretend she doesn’t notice and continues on with whatever she came in the room for. The other day when I told her I was needed to take care of things, she said “well, I would say I hope you don’t get off, but that sounds kind of mean”.
I’m at a loss what to do here to work through the issue. It seems like because she isn’t interested in sex, she feels I shouldn’t be either or the fact that I am is somehow wrong to her.
6 comments
This is a HER problem. Masturbation is normal and healthy and if you need it to help with your mental and physical well-being, then it is on her to accept it or not. Maybe a sex therapist could help.
This is why its so important to date people youre sexually compatible with. You need to talk to her and explain that you need it more than she does, and you dont want to pressure her if she isnt in the mood, so you need an outlet. Youre not cheating, youre not leaving, youre just taking care of yourself
She’s in the wrong, 100%. You are allowed to do as you please with your own body, and if she’s being weird about it, that’s on her.
In your position I would want to gently push her to look inward and figure out what bugs her so much about you masturbating and what internal work she may be able to do (possibly with the help of a therapist) to get over the insecurities or anxieties that are leading to this behavior. It’s not healthy for either of you, individually or as a couple, for her to be treating your perfectly normal masturbation as a flaw or a problem.
Have a talk about what you just explained here. She needs to understand that you would ALWAYS choose sex with her over masturbation, but that masturbation is a better alternative to nothing at all. Ask her if she would be up for sex every day for the next 10 days to see if that’s a tempo that fits when it comes to sex.
Genuinely sounds like she’s sex averse or just doesn’t like you very much. Man. That’s rough. You can do as you like, but a couple times a month maximum is pretty abysmal, especially when it’s because she actively hates it, and not just because of scheduling and whatnot.
She actively dislikes you at this point, dear Lord