I’m looking for ways to improve. Are there online courses, books, or other resources I can learn from?
Edit: So far, great advice! I appreciate everyone’s response and I’ve learned a lot from the different perspectives. I replied this to a comment below but I realized I should put it here as well to clear up some things.
“Maybe I should have clarified. I’m not afraid of social situations, I just don’t enjoy them. But I’d like to get better at being being social for those times when it’s unavoidable or (even better) learn to enjoy social situations more.”
41 comments
[https://socialself.com/blog/be-social-introvert/](https://socialself.com/blog/be-social-introvert/)
I started working on my karma. I figured that self hate is a direct consequence of bad karma. Gotta increase it.
I cannot make friends wherever I go where strangers are yet, but at the party or networking event no problem.
Anything that makes you feel less confident makes you worry so much about yourself that you can’t easily connect with others.
Try to relax, and realize that sometimes the other people don’t have great skills either. They may seem to be doing great socially, but they only talk to certain people. They’re comfortable with their clique, but not anyone else.
The most freeing thing about realizing this is that is not always a “you” problem, but a “they” problem.
I went travelling alone, so I was forced to constantly meet new people. Lots of practice with no lasting effects because I’d move on to the next city
Just therapy and faking it
Stop caring what others think of you. Be kind. Ask questions. Listen and follow up with questions. Smile. Share your experiences, but don’t give advice unless directly asked.
Taking more risks when interacting seems to have helped
Literally just practiced. Talked to people at work, talked to people at meetups, and then was able to randomly talk to people anywhere.
Forced myself to do a job that required me to interact with my peers. Worked as a learning/teaching assistant at my university.
First try to understand WHY you feel socially awkward. Therapy may help with this.
Are you shy and socially anxious? Or do you readily jump into situations, but find that people don’t respond the way you had hoped?
For me, it is a matter of getting out of my own head and focusing intuitively on what the other person is experiencing, but that may not work if you struggle to identify emotions or facial expressions in others.
I still struggle with making small talk, but only in certain situations.
My greatest trigger for social anxiety is being afraid that I will embarrass myself in front of someone that I love or admire, or that I will embarrass them.
What helped me was practicing the art of conversation in situations where the stakes are not so high.
I chatted with people online, and tried to really feel where they were coming from, while also being real and authentic in my own expression.
I started making small talk with random people in public places, like cashiers at the grocery store.
Most people respond extremely well to a sincere compliment or an astute observation.
One day it hit me that if I make any choices out of fear or shame, I’m holding myself back and delaying my own adult life. Like it actively began to piss me off, so every time I feel the instinct kick in and my brain starts looking to circumnavigate people or situations or hangouts, and make up excuses to not have to deal with anything, I check myself and think, “Are these legitimate reasons not to do this, or am I just scared?” 99% of the time, I have no good reason NOT to do it.
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If I ever have a moment where I’m ‘awkward’ or stumble socially I always make sure to walk away from the situation with an ‘oh well, that happened’ attitude and just having compassion for myself. Most of the time, people (if they’re decent) just don’t care if you have an awkward moment. I’ve learned it happens to pretty much everybody, even the most socially adept! That helped a lot and generally took the pressure off.
1:I started going to the gym and getting fit.
2: I realised that people generally return what you do for , you meet someone new, next time you see them, smile and if it is not inappropriate get out of your way to say hi and don’t over do it tho, you don’t want to be trying to chit chat someone while they are on their way to the toilet or they late for class.
for me it’s a mental block, so my brain goes blank in most social situations. i’ve been getting better with it by having a more positive mindset. i always think to myself “no one cares, if they do they’re the weird one”. also if you’re feeling at all social, go socialize with someone asap even if it’s just “practice”.
Grind it like it’s a video game level. Attempt, adjust, attempt, adjust, attempt, adjust.
My final approach is lots of active listening and periodic heartfelt comments.
I always dreaded social gatherings with people would skip them whenever I could. At the same time I also wished I could socialize and make more friends/asked my one extroverted best friend “how do you do it?”
As it turned out, I had generalized anxiety disorder and needed SSRIs + start exercising more, which made me stop worrying and made social interactions a snap. Just started to authentically “being myself”, because all of that quiet panic had dissipated and I wasn’t having to think about what I was doing/saying anymore.
Stop worrying about being interesting and more of taking an interest in others. Granted have your own hobbies and interests but learn to take an interest in others because what do people like to talk about the most? Themselves
If you’re looking for Objective communication skills. I’d say Vinh Giang has some great tips and tactics. His YouTube is great enough. I wouldn’t pay for the online course it’s not worth the thousand followers asking price
https://youtube.com/@askvinh
Worked at a restaurant
I suspect in about 6 months the answer is going to be “I ran a bunch of social scenarios through ChatGPT and had it tutor me on my social skills”
What worked for me was taking a sales job at a large corporate gym. Turned out I was half way decent at the job and eventually worked my way up to a sales manager. It boosted my confidence and studied sales passionately. You learn to have conversations, build rapport, build trust amongst many other things. That job along with a wonderful mentor changed my life.
I need to mention that I was the shy kid that sat in the back of class. Head down when teachers asked questions. I had friends but weren’t super close to anyone and felt awkward in social situations. Also just absolutely terrible with the ladies. Safe to say I’ve been able to turn it all around. I’m engaged, own a business, and I’m comfortable meeting new people and holding conversations. Working on becoming a better sales person was the biggest game changer for me.
I honestly just learned to stop caring. It’s easy to think that everybody hates you by default when you view yourself as the main character of your own world. But the truth is that not only do most people not give a shit, a good portion of the population feel the exact same fears and anxieties about socialization as you do.
The more I go along life, the more I realize that we’re all kinda faking it in our own ways, and even if some people do come across as really confident and secure, in their own minds they are also just trying to wing it.
No need of therapy or courses. Raw dog it and just talk to random people yourself. One thing that helped me was because of my travel for work situation. I’m basically forced to talk and meet to my co workers.
Discord with friend who introduced me to his other friends worked too. If you are already thinking of taking courses or therapy, you are already thinking too much of it. All of those courses will tell you the same thing, go talk to people.
What’s the worse that could happen? Nothing.
working in retail and foodservice, however since i started working from home ive pretty much lost all the social skills i gained from the excessive isolation 😳
Weirdly enough, I’m pretty sure getting a job as a cashier at a busy restaurant helped a lot. It forced me to practice talking CONSTANTLY, but in a very structured way (food transactions tend to follow a simple formula), while still giving me freedom to occasionally push out of said structure and engage in quick small talk at my discretion.
Realize that it’s just another skill like anything else. You can get good at it. You just need to put yourself out there and fail many times. But in the end you will be happy you did.
Read books like how to make friends and influence people and apply the knowledge one by one.
Also start small. Try to talk to people who’s job it is to talk to you, like sales, cash register people, etc. Then just keep leveling up. Fail, fail, and fail again. Think about areas you could improve (but just try one area) and get better. Your confidence will improve over time and you’ll find it easier.
Also remember you have an invaluable gift you can share, and that’s your genuine interest in people. That’ll help you get you out of your head.
I had an easy roadway into being socially adept. Basically I had previously isolated at home for about 5 years, and my social skills went to poop.
I was lucky enough to have a brother who is part of the “cool guys circle”, and he literally took me under his wing and taught me how to be cool/normal. This means he would take me on his weekend parties, or social gatherings, or pretty much everything in his social schedule that I could be part of. It still took about 2 years of him watching me in social situations and then correcting me after every cringe thing that would happen. I could always tell it was a bit weird for him to take his older brother with his friends, but thankfully all his friends are cool like him so they never made me feel awkward or out of the circle.
It was hard at the beginning getting out and being social, but the extra pressure at the beginning helped more long term.
This might be a weird answer that won’t apply to everyone but I watch a lot of comedy shows and kinda just studied how characters would interact with each other
Stopped drinking and lots of therapy and first loving myself
In high school I was pretty awkward. I’m in my head a lot. Once I’m in a conversation I do pretty good. But getting there can be tough.
Now I’m a high school teacher. I spend all day standing in front of groups of kids talking. The thing I realized most is that everyone is awkward. Everyone.
Know that one super cool jock kid. I watched him have a breakdown when a joke didn’t land. That mega confident girl. I’v heard her complain about how hard she has to work just to make friends.
We are all the same. Everyone struggles. Knowing that makes it a lot easier for me. Some people are just better at faking it.
I’m not sure how or why but I went from being the guy that no one cared if I was there or not, to a popular guy. New friends actually call now to do things.
Before (years ago), I was always welcome but if I wasn’t there, no one missed me. Now, for some unknown reason, the “party” seems to start when wifey and I get there. People actually want to talk whit me and want me/us to sit with them. I just don’t get it.
All of a sudden, at 65, we’re making up for a lot of lost time. Our group of 20+ friends ranges between 40 and 75, I really wish that I knew what changed in me. (Wifey has always made friends, but not like this).
I started smiling and laughing more 🙂 I smile a lot throughout the day. It makes me feel more relaxed, and it makes people perceive me as more sociable.
When I suck at small talk, as long as I suck at with a smile, nobody leaves the encounter feeling weird.
^^^^^^ that one is the biggest tip I think
A couple other things I did after smiling boosted my confidence:
I figure out what things make ME happy when I socialize. I like making people smile, so I just try to be kind.
I feel confident and happy when I’m honest w people. I lie as little as possible. Etc etc
I got used to people thinking I’m awkward or judging me. Our brains just think it’s scary, but when it happens enough your brain is like “oh okay this is fine”
Observed people. Took a lot of mental notes. And just threw myself into situation after situation after situation until it started to get easier.
Edit: and learned how much people love to make others laugh. When in doubt making sure someone sees you laugh at their joke is an instant way to make them soften toward you, pretty much no matter the situation.
I just force myself to attend events and with the mindset that you are acceptable socially, just be yourself and genuine.
I used to be so fearful of what people were thinking of me. Especially in groups. I would stop talking completely as I genuinely felt I didn’t have anything of value to say and didn’t want to become a bother. Slowly, I just stopped caring so much and found my own voice. I was still very socially inept, but I was lucky enough to have made very good friends who were the complete opposite. I learnt from them unconsciously and tried to treat every interaction I had as a practice of sorts. I reflected on this quite a lot, and many of the reasons I felt the way I did are due to little traumas I picked up when I was younger. Bullying in school etc. That shit really sticks with you and hides itself deeply.
Put yourself in uncomfortable situations often would quickly help you I believe. Probably the fastest method IMO.
I made a friend whose a more out going than me and started going out to bars lol
Still trash, just care less. Look for my people instead of trying to mirror so much.
Helps me to go to places that are interest/activities based. Like… topgolf or arcades or game nights. I’m better when I have a task or activity. Sometimes just talking is confusing cause I don’t have a clear objective to work towards. Idk if that makes sense. But given a focus, I think less about the social interaction and it more relaxed and natural.
I got badly bullied and realized that some people are going to hate me just for existing. People don’t need a reason, so it is useless to worry and feel that anxious. I got humiliated so many times in front of others that I kind of got used to it. It doesn’t hurt me anymore because I know I am strong enough to survive it. I just dgaf about mean people like that. I would rather enjoy my life.
Take constructive feedback from people who you love and trust.
Take constructive feedback from workplaces in which you have a good relationship.
Build and make positive friendships that help you build confidence.
Get rid of friendships that are openly hostile and mean.
Honestly for me, taking theatre classes and lots of after work/school activities really helped me. Kind of just throwing myself into it.
Do a lot of self reflection on what you could’ve done better in conflict with people.
That’s about it.