I asked her to set boundaries with a coworker “just a friend” who’s clearly interested in more than friendship after he called her one night at 11pm to go out drink with others. Instead of setting boundaries, she started deleting their text history (her explanation after I caught her was that she was afraid I’d misunderstand the friendliness as flirting). I discovered that, and we had a talk about boundaries again and she agreed with me that he’s interested in more than friendship, but she often brings me up in conversation as her boyfriend. After this conversation instead of keeping a text history with him, she starts calling him when she leaves the house so that he reserves the spot next to him on their work bus. Now we had another conversation and I don’t know how to trust her anymore. Looking at this pattern, how do I know if she won’t simply move their conversation to another app or method.
He sends her kiss stickers on whatsapp, offers her lunch at work, adds her on all social platforms and when she accepts he immediately likes all her selfies and ignores our couple pictures, he asks her out for drinks (her response is ‘next friday or weekend’, but she spends that time with me). She’s not flirting back, but she isn’t shutting it down and keeps saying “he’s a coworker”.
It seems she likes the attention. I know she cant be so naive to think he’s just looking for friendship. It’s gotten to the point where its beyond disrespectful to me. If I acted this way towards her with another woman, she’d kick me out. I know she’s not attracted to him, he’s not her type, he’s not attractive — he’s the classic “nice guy” who disingenuously befriends women hoping to slip through the cracks one day and get in their pants.
The only thing that has stopped me from leaving is that when she comes home she’s loving to me, emotionally/romantically/sexually loving to me, and does everything else right. After our recent conversation she said she’d stop sitting with him and set boundaries, but really.. she’s said that before. It’s bullshit -she would not like it if I acted that way with a woman.
Oh, and I recently found out that they’re not even in the same department at work…. Not even in the same office.
8 comments
>If I acted this way towards her with another woman, she’d kick me out.
Then I think you should do exactly that and kick her out. It is your choice for not doing exactly what you should be doing when someone else like her would have done so in the same position. Thats kind of what having self respect and discipline is all about. You set a boundary and you aren’t following through with what you should be doing if your boundaries are being stepped over. A boundary that can be stepped all over is just an empty threat. You didn’t really set a boundary if you just letting it go constantly even though they are crossing it many times. If you know someone violates your boundaries that you set and you don’t cut it off then that is your responsibility for not protecting your peace and walking away from the toxicity.
If she is not willing to push the guy away and you can’t trust, then just move on. Trust is something. You build over time, but if you have doubts daily based on her actions, then move on
She’s clearly at least enjoying the attention from this guy more than she cares about your feelings. Maybe he’s not her typical type, but she’s getting something out of this that she apparently isn’t getting from your relationship (not saying you’re doing anything wrong or that it’s okay for her to do so). Perhaps she wants to feel special, or perhaps she is straight up cheating. People don’t just cheat with people who are more conventionally attractive than their partners, or attractive at all. The deleting of the messages is suspicious.
Either way the answer to “how do I trust her?” is “you don’t,” until she actually changes her behavior with this guy. It’s time for another talk about boundaries, and if she doesn’t stop, consider moving on.
What’s the point of being in a relationship with all of this angst? Your feelings are important, but the most important element is the deception and lying. If she will deceive and lie about this issue, then what other issues will she behave the same way about. IMO once the trust is gone there’s no saving the relationship. Do what you think is best to find happiness for yourself. She is responsible for her own happiness.
So she is emotionally cheating to your face and it’s been going on how long now? As to your description of the guy she is attracted to him as she keeps engaging him and seeking his attention. He isn’t disingenuously befriending her as even she knows what he is after. She is love bombing you after she comes home; that’s great you don’t mind being the after thought. As you said she would leave you if you tried pulling this same crap; what does that say then that you are still in that situation.
So to recap your gf is having at least emotional affair at least in your face (a situation that if the roles were reversed she would leave) and your response is well at least she is loving to me when she comes home. Break up with her. You have already had the talk about boundaries and her response was to delete the conversations, call him instead, and still seek him out. Why are you putting up with this?
Dude. Leave. For real. You will thank yourself later.
She doesn’t respect you now and she won’t respect you later. It’ll just get to the point where she cheats on you if she hasn’t already.
Most definitely have to have the conversation that starts with.
“Hey, it seems like you don’t really understand what I mean by boundaries but it’s definitely looking like you don’t respect my requests so I think we need to go in different directions because I’m looking at this relationship one way and you’re looking at it another, so let’s just do this nicely and just go no contact so there’s no hard feelings. It seems you’ve already made that choice abundantly easy for me just by your actions. “
You will see just by the look on her face where she stands, and you will know where you stand. Don’t be that guy doing the pick me dance because all he looks like he’s a fool
Pick up a copy of the book “Not ‘Just’ Friends” by Shirley Glass. She explains exactly what this is, and where it could easily lead if continued. If that doesn’t open her eyes, then the relationship probably isn’t going to survive.