For context this relates to a personal situation but I’d love to know the answer generally too. I(37f) really like a guy (51) I’ve met through a shared hobby. It’s early days and we spend a lot of time together in a group so I’m really aware of not being too forward and making things awkward which is why i havent just asked him out. It feels like we have amazing chemistry but I also romantise things so want to be sure it’s not just wishful thinking on my part before I act on it!
If you were the guy in this situation, would the age gap make you treat the situation differently? Would you proceed with more caution so as not to be perceived a certain way? Is there anything I can do to make sure he knows im on board with the idea? A few times he has said or done things and immediatly followed up with a comment about not wanting to be seen as ‘creepy’ (he isnt) so it seems like something he might be aware of / worried about. Any advice on this would be awesome, thank you!
P.s sorry for formatting I’m on mobile.
28 comments
I think so you are asking a highly subjective question here. It totally depends on the male you are taking about. If you really like him just ask him out outside the group so that there is no awkwardness in the group. The worst that is going to happen is you are going to get rejected and it is not the most fun feeling (I know) but atleast you will know where you stand. You go girl!
I am 32. Last year, I dated a girl that was 26. This was the largest age gap I had up to that point. It bugged me a small amount at the beginning of it, but that feeling did not linger.
This year, I went on a couple dates with a girl that was 24. The feeling lingered there a lot longer, but eventually did fade after a couple dates.
I can say that, personally, a huge age gap is off-putting. There are stigmas behind it and a generation gap could prevent you from connecting with someone. That said, if everyone is over 18 and consenting, then don’t let anything else stop you.
I’d never go more than 6-7 years in either direction, personally.
The thing you have to understand is that if you pursue this man…both of you will be forced to endure unfair and often times harsh judgement from other people
Like it or not, people will have a problem with the age gap and they will feel it’s their place to express their opinion on the matter even though it’s none of their damn business.
And odds are, they will judge him more harshly than you. Sure, you will be judged harshly by some…but I doubt it will be as often as him or as harshly as him.
If you were to date…this is just something the two of you will have to come to terms with and it’s something you need to talk about
Me personally, a 14 year age gap would be too much for me.
I think 6 years either way is about as far as I would go. Beyond that, I find it highly unlikely we’d have much in common or would be on the same path/at the same places in our lives
I would err on the side of caution when approaching a much younger woman, but would not let that stop me if there is attraction and good flirting happening. That said, I would be flattered if a younger woman were to either make a transparent pass or outright ask me out.
The worst thing that can happen here is that he says “no”, so I say go for it.
Assuming it’s in my age range (half my age + 7), then no, assuming we have enough in common, and a good connection.
I believe it was Dan Savage that provides the basic rule for age gap relationships, and is geared towards the older partner. Essentially, at the end of the day you have to be a positive influence, and if it ends, be sure to leave them better than you found them.
Right now at 34 I wouldn’t date a woman in her 20’s but if I was 51 i’d date a woman in her late 30s. It’s more about maturity than the number itself. Do I really wanna put up with a 18-25 year old’s drama, social gatherings, or financial shit you go through in your 20s again? No.
By your mid to late 30s i think most of those problems have washed out or at least you’d hope they had. Then again i’m 34 now and typically like women around your age so yeah lol
That’s about the age my Dad married my stepmom, and she’s great, so go for it
His hesitation may be due to factors other than your age. If I was dating I’d be hesitant even with someone my own age simply because dating seems more consequential when you’re older because you have the experience to know both how good and bad it can turn out, while also having the patience to let things happen naturally.
In my 40s, I’ve dated women considerably younger (like, mid 20s) and I’ve dated people my own age. The woman I eventually fell in love with is in her mid 30s.
I’ve never concerned myself with any age gap and nobody else seemed to care or never said anything. I’m far more concerned about personality than I am anything else.
What’s the activity? It really would modify my answer: eg if your both ultra runners go for it; if it’s a more sedentary shared passion than be fully aware that the physical breakdown cycle of being human is going to be hitting him much harder than you in the near term and consider how that would make your relationship look and feel.
I’m approaching 51, my friends are in their 30s to 60s. I’d be fine with most people in their late 30s. I’m just as active as them if not more, so I blend in. I too am extra cautious about being mistaken for being flirtatious when I’m not, it seems to happen because I like to listen and respond with empathy when I sense someone is going through a tough moment.
Personally, no. Id be willing to go on a 1-on-1 date and see how we get on.
I dated and was engaged to someone significantly younger than me. We had a lot of shared interests (mostly nerdy stuff) and it was very easy to get along. She had an opportunity that moved her away and we broke up after trying a little long distance relationship.
My wife is 9 years younger, which isn’t MUCH, but there’s still a few “we grew up differently” moments. But that’s it. Generally we the ages don’t matter much. It’ll start becoming more of an issue later when I start falling apart and she’s ready to do more traveling maybe, but I can’t think of anything else.
Nope. Lol
For me, once you get past 35 or so, the age gap is less concerning – 35 & 50 is much better than 20 & 35. My only consideration is if she was still in child-bearing age range.
For the most part older guys won’t try anything because, as he said, we don’t want to come off as creepy.
If you were 23 and he were 37, it might be an issue. But 37×51? Go for it! What’s the worst that could happen? When I met my wife she was just 24, yet I was already 36 (with some light baggage). Twenty years later, and I’m happy to report were still going strong. She’s mature for her age, but less experienced in many ways. Thankfully, she puts up with my shenanigans. Finds it exhilarating and exhausting at the same time, I suppose. I put up with her Type-A personality as she keeps us upright and making progress. We make a effective team, Ying & Yang.
Perspectives, history and life experiences will differ more greatly with a bigger age gap. Some of it is entertaining and refreshing, but in some ways it may prove more challenging to find common goals. Many compromises should be expected. If he ages out much quicker than you, you’ll be left care taking perhaps sooner than you thought. Love finds a way and, in the end, it may all be worth it for a good relationship. Think about this, and all the perspectives you have here, then let him know how you feel – if you’re still wanting to make a go of it. Good luck
Let him know it’s not creepy and you like older men. Find a way to hint at it. He doesn’t consider himself creepyz he just doesn’t want to come across that way.
Since I’ve been divorced I’ve been dating a few women with a much bigger age gap than that as I’m 41. I was definitely hesitant about the first girl who was 23, but now it’s not a big deal. I just try to gauge their emotional maturity.
I was/am serious with one woman who is ten years younger than I am. But I doubt I could have an ltr with someone much younger than that. If it’s casual, it’s not a big deal.
That said, you’re 37 which is a bit different from 24 so I don’t think immaturity would be an issue for him.
Well, my wife would probably have a problem with it, lol.
But joking aside, it’s about where you are in your life and if that gels with your partner, at any age. I’m 43 and I wouldn’t date a 22 year old, but not simply because she’s 22, but because we’re probably on different wavelengths in life. I’ve only been married for 1.5 years, so it took me a while to get to the emotional place where I felt that I was ready to get married. Some people get to that place much earlier, and some much later.
If you and him gel and you feel that you both could have a relationship that could grow into something great, then age shouldn’t matter. You’re both on the same level emotionally. Emotional maturity usually doesn’t develop in people until their late 20’s early 30’s, so a 38 year old dating a 58 year old makes more sense than an 18 year old dating a 38 year old. Even if the age gap is the same, the emotional maturity gap is much wider.
Eh…. Now mind you I’ve been married 16 years since I was 22 so I’m a bit outta practice but I think for myself once you get to 35-40 I’m fine with a 10 year spread but that’s about the highest I would go personally. My wife is 5 years younger than me and even we have a fair number of different experiences with what we grew up with and our personal experiences. By 35 you’ve experienced enough as an adult to be relatable but I feel like much past that the differences may be too significant.
I think that people mature A LOT in their 30’s. At least I certainly did. And not to say that I didn’t continue growing between my 30’s and my 40’s, but I don’t think I’m a dramatically different person than I was 10 years ago.
All that to say, if I was a 51 year old man (I’m 44 now), I don’t think I would have any issues dating a 37 year old woman, and I don’t feel that gap pose a significant issue, as it might if I was a 41 year old dating a 27 year old woman.
It’s not about maturity; it’s personality.
My GF and I are 20 years apart (I’m 66, she’s 46.) We get along extremely well and the “romance” (wink!) is excellent. Neither one of us could ever hope for better that what we have.
I’d say go for it, OP; ask him out.
Just be like “we’ve been together since 1990” and watch their heads spin as they try to do the math.
Hesitant? We welcome younger women!
You sound like a cool lady. As others said, the concern is more about maturity. If there’s some mutual attraction and compatibility he’ll probably take a chance to get to know you better
Make a clear expression of interest – such as asking to go out with him alone. If he’s conscious he could be perceived as creepy, he won’t ask you out first.
A lot of “go for it” has already been said and I’ll second that but I have a bit of perspective to add.
As an older man who photographs younger models, mostly female, generally much younger than me, often nude I really understand that fear of being thought of as a creep. I’m not ever going to date any of them; I’ve been happily married for decades and have no interest in them romantically or sexually.
For the models themselves, I have a long list of things that I do to try to make sure that I don’t come off as a creep, which makes for some interesting stories though I think that’s irrelevant to your situation.
However, in his shoes, I’d be very worried about what people around me might think. How will your parents react? How will your friends and his react? I’d ask him out for coffee and tell him that you’d like to try to date him more seriously and would understand if he was hesitant because of the age gap and the perceptions it might cause but that if he’s willing to give it a shot, you have some ideas how to handle that. Talk through a plan if he’s interested.
It’s hard to project myself into 51, but in my late 30s if I met a woman in her late 20s (rough equivalent difference), I would probably not be very forward if I was interested.
I’d make an effort to be friends and wait for her to make some interest clear while also sincerely building a friendship under the assumption she sees me as a safe friend who won’t hit on her due to being too old for her!
The best straightforward tip is just to casually throw out stories of happy couples with large age differences in conversation, mention not being into guys your own age, mention reasons you are more into older men anytime it could be relevant in conversation. Wax philosophically how it’s more common in most cultures or throughout history for men to be older, etc (I don’t know if that’s true).
If my hypothetical woman said things like that I’d get the idea and feel a lot safer about asking her to hang out one on one. That and lots of eye contact and body language I guess.
But the number one tip is for the love of the great flying spaghetti Monster do not rely on hints. Women always think they’re making clear hints but the truth is if you give it some time and he’s not getting it, instead of assuming he’s not interested just try being more direct.