Have issues getting hard if there’s another persona in the picture, Looking for some advice, reassurance.

Okay. I struggle to get all my thoughts out in a coherent way about this so I hope y’all can kind of parse through it and help me sort it all out. This is a sensitive and embarrassing topic for me to talk about, and I struggle even engaging with the issue, let alone dealing with it.

Some background detail on myself: I am a 27 year old man in the United States. I have never received any real therapy in my life. I believe that I experience or have experienced depression (undiagnosed, as I have never really spoken to anyone about it professionally) for a significant portion of my life, starting somewhere in my mid teenage years. I believe I have made strong progress on that depression front in the last couple years, and it has allowed to me see and recognize many more of my own issues, and it has inspired me to work on those problems more. There is one big problem that I feel I struggle with more than others though.

I think the issues I have encroach on other psychological aspects too. My main big problem that I am struggling with is an inability to get and maintain an erection when there is another person present. Essentially a psychological erectile dysfunction. It’s a huge problem for me and It prevents be from being able to be confident romantically and socially, since I don’t feel like I can bring to the table what other people can. I feel like I can always draw a line from how my problems express themselves to some core self esteem issues I have.

To expand on the specifics of the issues Im facing in the bedroom, when I masturbate alone, by myself, I don’t have any problems getting or maintaining an erection, so I know it’s not a physical problem. Only when there is another person present do I have problems. I am still a virgin because of this. I know that it isn’t shameful and shouldn’t be a source of shame, but I still feel those feelings. Sometimes I think of it as like a self fulfilling prophecy, like it happens because I expect it to happen.

I think that I experience this problem for a few reasons. I’ve spent the majority of my sexually mature life so far engaging with cheap and easy forms of sexual gratification in the form of porn and other erotic materials. The combination of that with my significant depression and self esteem issues prevented me from dating in any real capacity so I never moved past those easy and simple sources of sexual gratification. Generally the porn I would consume would involve fetishes of humiliation, degradation, and male dominant control. I think I would consume porn that involved these themes because they were control based, and reflected the lack of control I feel that I have surrounding my own sexuality.

I am a straight man who experiences sexual and romantic attraction to women. I do not feel those attractions towards men, so I know that im straight, so its not like im looking in the wrong places. Sometimes I think I might see sex as more of an obstacle standing in the way of the type of relationship I want for myself, rather than a fun activity I have the privilege of engaging in with my partner.

My fears are that I am never able to overcome this, and I ultimately live a lonely life where I am never able to engage in the type of physical and romantic relationship that I desire so badly.

In an effort to recognize and address these issues, i’m trying to change things. I’m trying to cut out pornography and other forms of easy and instant sexual gratification. Ive stopped mastrubating completely, with the idea in mind that sexual gratification needs to come from another person, but idk if this is healthy or the right way to start addressing this. Im trying to work on my inner monologue, speak to myself in better ways. Im trying to diet and exercise, but I’m terrified that I’m too far gone. That this isn’t something I can change or fix, and those what ifs are really scary.

Ive spent so long avoiding this, and now i’m really making efforts to change my habits and address this, and I’ve actually already grabbed an apt with a sex therapist for next week, But part of me also feels like a major aspect of this issue is the importance I put on it, and letting go of the unhealthy an non productive issues and ideas that I have surrounding intimacy. And maybe talking about it here, or in therapy will help to normalize it and take away its power over me.

sorry for all the text.