Hello everyone! Apologies for the long message, I needed to vent.
About five years ago, I (31F) moved to the country we currently reside in to pursue a master’s degree. Around a year later, I met my current partner, and we have been together ever since. Initially, we lived separately, managing our finances independently. Each of us took care of our own bills, while jointly contributing to shared expenses such as dining out, trips, and so on, using an expense division app. Occasionally, my boyfriend would treat me to dinner or contribute a little extra towards something, but nothing overly extravagant or exorbitant. Eventually, my partner grew weary of renting and started exploring the idea of buying a house for himself. Since we were planning to move in together anyway, we decided to take the plunge as soon as he found a suitable home. To cut a long story short, this happened last September. We are not married, no kids or pets either.
It is a very nice, spacious apartment located in a vibrant neighborhood, and we were excited to begin our life together. The home belongs solely to my partner, as his parents assisted with the down payment, and at the time, I wasn’t in a position to contribute financially in an equal manner toward the purchase. My partner, who owns a small business and works really hard, earns a decent income, but buying a house posed a significant financial challenge for him. I did my best to support my partner throughout this process and even lent him a sum of money when he needed it. It was a small but sensitive amount for me, but I was glad to assist my partner and in some way participate in the acquisition of our new home.
Right from the start of our life together, we had a conversation about finances and mutually agreed to keep them separate. We continued our practice of splitting the bills equally, just as we had always done. Essentially, I would transfer a monthly amount to my partner that covered half of his mortgage payments, utility bills, and other shared expenses. I didn’t have any qualms about this arrangement because I have always been financially independent and never expected anyone to cover my expenses. Throughout my life, I have relied solely on myself, working full-time and often juggling work and studies simultaneously. Despite earning approximately half of what my partner did, I managed to have enough money to have a life that I enjoy.
In February of this year, I lost my remote job, resulting in a significant reduction and irregularity in my income. Concerned about this situation, I spoke with my partner, who reassured me not to worry and to take it easy while I searched for a new job. He offered to cover some of my essential expenses, including my portion of the housing costs and dining out, using the cost-sharing app we had been using. We reached an agreement that I would repay him once I regained financial stability. Throughout this period, I never asked him for extra money or demanded anything. I was still covering my personal expenses, buying groceries for us, and contributing financially to the best of my ability using my modest savings. For instance, this month I was able to pay my portion of the mortgage and some utility bills again.
Since I used to work remotely and spent the majority of my time at home, I took on approximately 90% of the household chores right from the start of our life together. This includes grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, handling bureaucratic matters, and ensuring that my partner can solely focus on his work without any additional concerns. Since I haven’t been able to contribute financially on an equal footing recently, I see it as my way of still contributing my fair share to our relationship.
The job search extended far longer than I had anticipated, and it began to take a toll on my emotional well-being. Previously, I had never experienced a period of unemployment lasting more than two weeks, but things within my industry are not going great. Additionally, I made the decision to shift away from remote work and focus on finding opportunities within the local job market, which unfortunately has a notably high unemployment rate. But I am hopeful as I recently transitioned to a full-time residency permit, expanding my opportunities as I am no longer limited to working only twenty hours per week. Dealing with this situation has proven to be quite difficult, but I hope to find the right job as quickly as possible.
Recently, my partner expressed an interest in renovating the apartment. We have already had several meetings with an architect to delve into the project. My partner consistently emphasizes the importance of my input and wants us both to feel content and happy in our new home. While I agreed to participate in these discussions, I am mindful that my partner is the sole owner of the property, and ultimately, his opinion will carry the most weight. I am cool with that.
Yesterday, following another meeting with the architect, my partner approached me to discuss the financial aspect of the renovation. He asked if I wanted to somehow invest financially, or continue to just pay him “rent.” It opened up a lot of room for discussion about money and spending in our relationship as a whole, and we agreed to do some thinking and talk about it next week.
Just to be clear, we have a good, healthy, and loving relationship. We always try to communicate and solve problems together. However, as this is the first long-term relationship for both of us, we are still learning how to effectively navigate discussions about finances. Clearly, our old approach to money is no longer working, and we need to discuss a new one. My partner genuinely listens to me and remains open to any suggestions or ideas I may have. I’d like to be well-prepared for the upcoming conversation and understand what to look out for from legal, practical, and other perspectives.
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10 comments
If I don’t have share in my partners property , I won’t invest . If I invest and my partner is the sole owner and if don’t get anything back if my relationship breaks then what ? I don’t care about how well our relationship is .
I need the fruitful results of my hard earned money.Make an agreement that if something’s goes wrong in your relationship you get what you had invested in the property
So, he wants you to contribute to something that only he owns? What are you going to get out of it apart from spending your money on something that isn’t yours?
He lets you pay mortgage but you dont have any ownership in the house if I reading this correctly. I dont think you realise this sounds like financial abuse and the fact he is even asking for more money for renovations is astonishing. Do you see yourself getting married and sharing equally this house soon? Because you are paying “rent” for nothing, I dont see the upside
It doesn’t matter how great he is, he could be Brendon Fraser or Jesus returned and my advice would still be: don’t comingle your funds or assets if you’re not married.
If you break up- you can’t take the renovations with you. There are courts that deal with marriage, there are courts that deal with contracts, there are courts that deal with felonies- there are no courts that deal with people “playing house”. Unless your name goes on the deed, and you have one hell of a lawyer making you a contract that you own equity in the property- you’ll have little to no recourse to recoup your “investment” in those renovations.
And also- if you haven’t been repaid that previous loan, a court won’t help you with that either.
I (44F) live with my partner (45M) in the home he owns/has a mortgage.
I’m a fan of his/hers/ours accounts where we each pay into “ours” for shared expenses (mortgage, utilities, etc) based on % of total income.
I make a lot more than him so I also cover all of the groceries and bigger purchases like vacations or new appliances.
We are both previously married and do not plan to marry but consider each other life partners if this matters in your situation.
We are looking to do some renovations to our home and I plan to pay half on that.
The “rent” I pay is significantly lower than when I lived separately and while my name isn’t on the deed and never will be unless we buy something else, I feel comfortable contributing to home improvements.
Everyone is different though.
It sounds like you two communicate well so I think it’s just a matter of you sitting down and discussing further.
Think of it this way: if your landlord were to approach you and ask you to partially shoulder the burden of renovations on a property you don’t own, you would say no. You have no ownership of the property.
If your bf and you owned jointly, then yes – contribute. But you don’t. He’s your landlord.
“BF, I truly appreciate your asking me to participate in the decision making process in terms of renovation, etc. But I will not participate in funding the project. I am not complaining, and I am not seeking partial ownership of your apartment. But investing my money in something that is not partially mine is not something I am comfortable doing.”
I’m not sure how your old approach to money is no longer working? That is unclear in your OP.
If I are going to invest in this property, don’t unless you get part ownership. For the sake of your relationship, get it in writing. It’s probably a good idea to consult an attorney together.
INFO: Did he pay back the money you loaned him initially? How much would you now “owe” him if you’d been paying your share of the rent/mortgage while you’ve been unemployed?
In general, I’d warn anyone not to contribute towards the renovations when they have no legal claim to the property, which you do not. Should the two of you break up, it would be very hard to legally reclaim anything you put towards the renovation.
For that reason, I’d say that you should not contribute towards it. It doesn’t sound like you really have the money to do so right now anyway. It’s always best to keep separate finances separate unless there’s a change in marital status that would give you some rights in the event of a divorce.
Why would contribute in increasing his equity if you don’t own it?
Info: you said you loaned his money towards the apartment. Has he paid that back? If not, just note that should be deducted for the amount that you have said he has been subsidizing you while he unemployed.
Maybe bring an accountant into the mix to help the discussion. They may how outside suggestions.