Throwaway account. I swear I cringed hard while writing this, feel free to skip.
TL;DR: awkward date some time ago, depression; thinking of trying again with a different setting & mindset.
FACTS:
So, for background, I am 20M, always been socially awkward and quiet, few interests. Never in a relationship, got my first kiss just a few months ago.
So, there’s was this girl in my class in high school, very quiet too. We only talked a few times during the course of 5 years. Last year she asked to come to my house to get help in Physics out of nowhere, a few times. But everything really felt like a business transaction, so I never made a ‘move’.
Last September I began uni in a different city and made a sort of commitment to myself to make new friends and get a girlfriend, basically to overcome my constant insecurity and low/flat mood. With hindsight, that made me extremely anxious, definitely not spontaneous in meeting new people, and not getting “immediate” results contributed to my current depression.
Anyway, before I felt so down I started Snapchatting with this girl (everything very SFW and basic) to see if she was interested. I now I sound selfish, but I am completely new to dating; I admit that in a way I just wanted to get some real life experience, but I also was (and am) looking for a meaningful connection with someone.
We chatted a bit, which felt forced, but she really felt committed and eventually she agreed to go out. Basically we got an (informal) dinner and ran out of interesting things to talk about early, there wasn’t any intimacy. We then went for a walk, sit down on a bench and listened to some music (all was my initiative). I stupidly put an arm around her, she looked away; I asked what was the problem and she said that she was not «ready for a relationship» and preferred for us to be friends. I said ok, apologised for putting her in an awkward position, then drove her home.
She also told me she had always thought of being into me, but suspected she was aromantic or asexual. I thought that was her anxiety speaking and told her, but did not attempt to convince her or anything. She looked very sad and disappointed at how things turned out, and apologised to me for giving me for «ruining my plans». I actually felt very mature at that time.
This was the main stuff. After that, I spent hours that night thinking about scenarios in my head and messaged her to see her before she left the city the next morning. This second interaction was short and very awkward, but there was no resentment on either side. Still, she acted very distant.
I didn’t message her anymore. A few days after this she called me and asked if I was fine. I don’t know if she was worried about me getting hung op on all this (I could have given her that impression) and felt guilty, or if there was something else. Anyway, I said I was fine and didn’t hear from her again, and didn’t give it much thought either.
This was in November. Meanwhile I got on with my life — got deep into depression, stopped going to uni and became zombie-like; then I got therapy, meds, and I am currently making very small steps towards recovery.
ANGST:
I suspect I am projecting all of my hopes for the future onto a ‘random’ girl, as I have already done in the recent past, and this is unhealthy and dangerous to me. I understand that I am not “prince Charming” and that any relationship involves commitment from both sides.
Still, I definitely got a few signals from her; I am positive she would never make the first move.
So, I am thinking to write to her again after all this time to ask her out on a hike or something similar, to see where things go. Ideally, we would be more relaxed, have a decent time, try to be friends before anything else.
Am I being too optimistic? Am I delusional? Should I get my all of shit together first out of respect for her and to preserve my own mental health?? Or just take the shot now. Please be honest