My boyfriend (M22) and I (F22) are virgins, we’ve been dating for a few months and now trying stuff for the first time with each other. I’ve done stuff for him but always said I wasn’t ready for him to do stuff to me because I’m quite shy and self-conscious.
Because I was worried about nerves getting in the way, I decided to try not orgasming for a week and whenever I felt horny I would just edge myself, thinking that then my boyfriend touching me would feel amazing and I wouldn’t care so much about being nervous.
I was definitely turned on and wet when we were making out, but when he actually tried doing stuff to me it just didn’t feel like anything. I directed him in terms of what usually feels good for me, and it seemed like he was doing everything right, but I just couldn’t seem to get any pleasure from it. I even tried starting myself off when he was in the bathroom and then asking him to try again, but even though it felt good when I touched myself, it just wasn’t the same when he took over.
I don’t really know where to go from here. I assume the problem is just that I’m nervous because I’ve never had someone else touch me before, but I feel like I’ve tried everything and I don’t know how I can get past this. I really want our relationship to move forwards, but if I can’t feel pleasure from fingering then surely penetration will only be the same. Please help!
5 comments
Erm, you are getting in your head. Sex should be relaxed and freeing.
I’ve been there and I completely understand what it feels like to be so nervous. One thing that has helped me a lot is my partner forcing me to talk about things, and knowing that he is completely cool with whatever I say is a big boost to my confidence. I’m also extremely conscious about sex and my own body and what it means and how I’m perceived and every minute detail but the biggest hurdle was the shame. If you too feel shame like I did and still do sometimes, be assured that sex is about exploration – it’s natural to want it and in certain situations it’s natural to be afraid. You don’t even have to think about penetration – just think about what you will like – try a few things out that you do to yourself and see if the same can be replicated by your partner. Ask them to listen to you and be open and honest about how you feel. It’s so important to be honest with someone you like and want to be with normally and that shouldn’t change when it comes to sex. Try talking about sex in times when you are relaxing and feeling comfortable and safe, discuss your fears and honestly you will be so much more relaxed.
I’ve been there and I completely understand what it feels like to be so nervous. One thing that has helped me a lot is my partner forcing me to talk about things, and knowing that he is completely cool with whatever I say is a big boost to my confidence. I’m also extremely conscious about sex and my own body and what it means and how I’m perceived and every minute detail but the biggest hurdle was the shame. If you too feel shame like I did and still do sometimes, be assured that sex is about exploration – it’s natural to want it and in certain situations it’s natural to be afraid. You don’t even have to think about penetration – just think about what you will like – try a few things out that you do to yourself and see if the same can be replicated by your partner. Ask them to listen to you and be open and honest about how you feel. It’s so important to be honest with someone you like and want to be with normally and that shouldn’t change when it comes to sex. Try talking about sex in times when you are relaxing and feeling comfortable and safe, discuss your fears and honestly you will be so much more relaxed.
I’ve been there and I completely understand what it feels like to be so nervous. One thing that has helped me a lot is my partner forcing me to talk about things, and knowing that he is completely cool with whatever I say is a big boost to my confidence. I’m also extremely conscious about sex and my own body and what it means and how I’m perceived and every minute detail but the biggest hurdle was the shame. If you too feel shame like I did and still do sometimes, be assured that sex is about exploration – it’s natural to want it and in certain situations it’s natural to be afraid. You don’t even have to think about penetration – just think about what you will like – try a few things out that you do to yourself and see if the same can be replicated by your partner. Ask them to listen to you and be open and honest about how you feel. It’s so important to be honest with someone you like and want to be with normally and that shouldn’t change when it comes to sex. Try talking about sex in times when you are relaxing and feeling comfortable and safe, discuss your fears and honestly you will be so much more relaxed.
I think the key point here is “doing stuff to me.” That suggests a negative experience, and is likely how your mind is experiencing it. Assuming the rest of your relationship is in a good place, and his intention is to give you pleasurable sensations, I think you should try getting yourself in a more positive frame of mind and looking at the interaction as a mutual positive experience. Think of it as his gift to you.
You might try shifting your mindset to something more along the lines of “enjoying his touch.” You might need to try and develop a more accepting, rather than defensive, sense before you are even together.
Hope that might help you.