My girlfriend of 2,5 years told me yesterday that, even though she loves me, is not sure whether is is “in love” with me anymore and that it feels like we are just living together. For close to a year now, the intimacy between us has decreased drastically, mostly from her side which has lead to us rarely having sex and more often getting bored of each others company.
The honeymoon phase has been over for a while, and that is troubling her a lot. I am less affected by the transition of our relationship from fresh to being more mature, still want to have sex and I don’t feel any fatigue hanging out with her. Of course I think it feels different, but it is bothering her much more.
When we talked she mentioned the fact that we are living together and are in the same space all the time it makes us feel more like roommates. And the fact that we both study majors that include a lot of self studies, means we are at home together quite a bit. (I’m switching major after the summer, and will not be home nearly as much, though.) Anyway, she thinks this is the largest factor to why things turned out like they did, and I agree with her. She said that she misses longing for me, and I feel the same way.
We are not interested in breaking up, at least not yet, and we want to try to revive what we had. All the other pieces of the puzzle are there, and we don’t have trust issues, we don’t fight much and we both love each other, but the intimacy must be improved for the relationship to survive.
My question is what we can do to fix our relationship and restore the intimacy? What are some do’s and don’t:s that can help us? Any thoughts or advice is appreciated!
4 comments
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Give it a try. Try to minimize contact with her. You can send a text every day to chat but don’t face time. Give her a chance to miss you, and she will realize that she does love you. Couldn’t hurt at the least.
I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years I’m 30f and we have been living together for 9 of those years. And without a doubt we have our ruts. It’s normal. We have times where we don’t feel close or romantic towards each other…we have times were we Argue and feel distant. I’d say we go through a new phase every few years. Now if start with really learning to appreciate each other and appreciate the little things you love about each other and over all just be SWEET AS HECK to each other each day. Smooches and lil I love yous. My husband and I spend a lot of time apart..even when we are both home. But we routinely do lil check ins with each other if we need anything ECT. When I was 23 that was when my husband(then boyfriend) had it first big rut in the relationship – similar to what you described. We did end up eventually breaking up for a good chunk of the year but maintained being civil the entire time and really worked.on our communication and it helped tremendously. I guess overall my advice is to talk about it and come up with some solutions to try and don’t give up just because it doesn’t feel exciting 24/7 …that’ll come back. Also definitely spice up the bedroom in different ways and have sexy date nights every month
Personally I think the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a lie. Intentional time together is what works. When you’re living with someone, seeing them becomes far more convenient, but that convenience can enable us to be lazy in our relationship. If you want to feel like you’re both still in love with each other and keep that spark, you’ll need to make habits of dating your partner as if it’s a new relationship. Have a regular date night ideally at least once a week; stay curious and treat every opportunity you interact as a chance to learn more about your partner.
You need to go do things together. Have experiences together. You need to date her. Court her. Learn her love language.
Spend time ever single day together without phones and distractions. 10 min or 4 hours – it doesn’t matter. Learn how to cook something together, go for a walk, take her on a date, take her to go get dessert somewhere – just do it every single day.
When you are intimate make it the best fucking experience of her life. Make it about her. All about her.