I have an aunt who never married or had kids and lived with my grandparents for many years, basically never moving out of the house. She became the caretaker for my grandpa after he had a stroke and until his passing in the late 00s. Then she became, almost by default, the caretaker for my grandma.
She is very controlling and particular about the way that the house is maintained and has not let anyone visit in a long time. She has essentially severed the relationship with my other aunt and my mom. I live overseas so I cannot go there but I try to call my grandma from time to time. Whenever I call, my aunt immediately answers and lets my grandma talk to me for only 2-3 minutes. I can tell that my aunt is monitoring the calls almost, sitting next to my grandma as she talks.
I don’t have much more to say to my grandma but it annoys me that the aunt has so much control in this situation. I feel that this is a deeply dysfunctional family dynamic and it makes me annoyed. I also don’t understand what my aunt has to gain from all this feuding.
Tl;dr aunt is a weirdo who doesn’t let me talk to my grandma much.
14 comments
Is it possible that your grandmother is not well enough to carry on phone conversations longer than a couple of minutes?
it sounds like your aunt is gatekeeping access to your grandma in the hopes of inheriting everything your grandma has including the house and money.
Controlling is already a form of abuse. Do you suspect there might be more abuse happening there?
Your mom and relatives should have some interaction with grandma even if aunt disagrees.
That is very likely an elder abuse situation m. Isolation itself is abuse and very toxic for elderly.
You and relatives might want to call for some sort of official wellness check if you aren’t granted any physical access.
You might consider calling adult protective services in their area, because this sounds like abuse. Your grandparents deserve privacy and respect.
She’s trying to prevent anyone else in your family from forming a relationship with your grandma so she’ll get the whole inheritance.
Your aunt may be weird but your mom and other aunt have the power to intervene/get additional info/ make things better and have chosen not to. Your one aunt may be effed up but she’s running things because no one in the position to change things has bothered.
You could do an adult welfare check on her?
This sounds suspiciously like abuse, however, without more information it’s hard to tell. Like, is your grandmother suffering from mental and physical ailments that stress her and cause issues when she is visited or talk for long periods of time?
I think you digging and finding out more information would be important here before you go nuclear.
Someone needs to fly in and assess the situation in person ASAP.
Unfortunately this is more of a /r/legaladvice question. It depends entirely where your grandma lives. Unfortunately this involves your parents and relatives stepping in legally to at least figure out what is going on. You can get power of attorney through some lengthy legal processes to start fixing things.
Now things could be fine, and your aunt is just being nuts. However, as no one has had eyes on the interior of the house (or possibly the exterior), all manner of issues could have arrived. I get the sneaking suspicion that your aunt might be a hoarder, or lives a very slovenly lifestyle. Either that or there is some physical abuse going on that is readily apparent.
I would also start with a welfare check. You can send local law enforcement to ensure that everything is safe and the occupants are unharmed. US police usually wont tell you their exact condition, but if the occupants are in danger they will inform the proper authorities.
There ain’t never moved out of her parents house. Could be she has some kind of anxiety disorder or other mental health issue. There isn’t necessarily malicious intent but I agree other family members should not wait for an invite, just go visit and check on grandma for themselves.
My family was in your position. The people in the comments are mistaken about ways to resolve this. In my case, my grandma was never declared incompetent by a court, and she never expressly said no to my aunt or asked for help. So there was NOTHING any of us could do. It sucks so much and is such a sad and painful state of affairs. My grandma died like that without seeing anyone but the aunt and her two kids.
Contact adult protection services. Your grandma is being taken advantage of. My aunt did the exact same thing then ended up unaliving my grandma then trying to hide it. Get the police involved for a wellness check asap.
What are your mom’s thoughts? Does she live nearby?
What country? Does your country have an adult protective services department? This seems like elder abuse to me.