I (38F) can’t get son (8M) to sleep alone

25 comments

1. If you’re in the States, I think the threat of gun violence he probably sees on the news or social media might be scaring him.

2. Sounds like a test of endurance.

   Take his hand. Walk him back to bed. Tuck him in and give him a stuffed animal and turn on a night light.

   Sit for two minutes with him. Let him know he’s safe and you both will handle any trouble. The house is locked and secure. Say good night and leave.

   Repeat as many times as he gets up. Once he has a couple nights in bed as routine. A new normal routine will take over. Stay calm. Just keep repeating.

3. If he’s not already, make sure he has good structure in his life, so meals, excersize, bedtime and other everyday things at the same time every day. Physical activity is especially important as the more tired he is the less he’ll be able to think about what scares him or resist sleep. A consistent bedtime routine is super important as well.

   Then you can start gadually weaning him off of sleeping with you through things such as putting a pillow in between you and then when he’s comfortable with that just holding hands and then sleeping separately in the same bed and then sleeping in the same room, etc

   A white noise generator such as a fan or old device that can play a white noise youtube video all night can help him stay asleep as well and not let his imagination run wild with every noise he hears.

4. You’re the parent. Make him continue counseling (perhaps with a different counselor). Four sessions is hardly enough to scratch the surface of this issue.

5. Are you sure nothing else traumatic is happening or happened? That is my main concern.
   But my 7 year old does this. He hates being by himself. He won’t use the bathroom in the back of the house unless someone else is in there. He doesn’t want to take baths by himself, unless someone is close by. He sleeps in the room with his brother but they both will go to my room at night. When he says he is scared I talk to him about it. I tell him bad things do happen but he is safe. Sometimes we talk about what we can do in emergencies. It depends on his anxiety at the time. I always tell him it’s okay to be afraid but use it as fuel so you can stay calm and be smart. The other day when he refused to take a bath by himself I just said I am watching out for you I will kick someone’s ass if they come in. He still ran out as soon as he could.
   We also do mindfulness and breathing techniques, a regular bedtime routine and I always tell him I check on him all the time. You may need to talk to a psychiatrist if his anxiety does not improve. But the main thing is to stay calm and keep encouraging him. I understand the frustration but it can get better.
   I have had to walk my kids back to their room several times a night.

6. So… you’ve taken him to a therapist right?

   If you can’t aid therapy start asking the school etc for referrals to charities or programs that help Proper who can’t aid therapy (especially kids) to get it. Your kid sings like he’s suffering from trauma and he needs professional assistance.

   He’s 8 he Diane get to decide he doesn’t want *necessary medical help* also even as adults the first therapist is unlikely to be a good match, ask for another therapist. Try a different style. Ask him to explain WHAT he isn’t liking that’s making him not want to go back. Screen for trauma informed child therapists.

   If his leg was broken you wouldn’t let him tell you he didn’t want a cast. Talk to him. Involve him in helping you find a better fit, but he needs help and support.

7. My nephew (8M as well) also refuses to go to sleep in his home unless my sisters lays down next to him. But when he stays over his grandparents or comes over here to stay with me, he knocks out all by his lonesome, no problem.

   Hate to be “that guy” but he might just be enjoying your company and giving you reasons to stay.

8. my sister had problems with this when she was your sons age. she was diagnosed with anxiety and had to go on medication for it by the age of 13. the best advice i can give you is keep your son in counseling. if he wasn’t comfortable with his other counselor, make sure he sees someone else. get him a night light and reassure him everything is okay. this breaks my heart that he’s only 8 🙁

9. You could try reading a book like ‘the invisible string’ or I’ve known of some parents with anxious kids do something like leave a paper heart by his pillow each time they’ve checked on them (so if they wake, they know you’re still looking after him). I would be looking to gently introduce-to-replace-you comfort objects. With my own kid we got her a heavy blankie (with an older kid could go weighted), a bed tent so she had a cozy safe nook, a Yoto to play comfort stories/songs/white noise (a bit like a cd player) to help her fall back asleep, and every evening before I go to bed I put a panda teddy on her pillow (then every morning she brings it through to me. There’s lots of other options like a fluffy hot water bottle if he likes the warmth & weight of you, a muslin that you spray with her perfume/ a chosen scent etc. Introduce them in a firm, consistent, predictable & happy way. Ie talk about it a lot, have him help choose them, always be there to give comfort & support but while holding the boundaries, ie you could sleep on his floor on a mattress for a finite time while he adjusts.

   But also, I would very much recommend having him put in play therapy, as to me this sounds linked to the early childhood trauma of him waking up at home and finding out someone he loved was dead.

10. So for context I’m currently studying child psychology at university with one of the main topics being attachment, especially mother attachment to children. It sounds like your child has an insecure or disorganised attachment towards you as a mother. This is properly seen because of your child’s resistant attachment to his father. I would definitely keep the counselling going for this child’s own mental health and wellbeing as this insecure attachment will lead to separation anxiety in the future not just for you but everyone the child forms an attachment with in his life.

11. maybe moving somewhere where it isn’t like the old wild west would be helpful.

12. Are your bedrooms on separate floors? Our kids, similar ages have the same feelings. We have moved to reading at bedtime, then lights out, then snuggles, then laying in bed until they fall asleep. If they wake up, we lay down next to them in their bed until they fall asleep again.

13. I feel like you just need to be patient and maybe try out a few things. Maybe make sure that you are not watching/listening/talking about the news around your son. I would also make sure that his shows/video games have little violence. Hopefully, this might help with his fear of someone bursting into the house with a gun. Also, ask if someone has said something to him about someone bursting into the house. It is possible that a kid or adult made an off-hand comment he misunderstood.

    I would tell him that he can’t sleep in bed with you anymore as you aren’t sleeping well. I would ask him if he feels up to sleeping in his own room. When he says no, ask if he would feel better in his room if he had a nightlight that stays on all night. Ask if there is anything he needs to sleep comfortably in his room. If he says no, I would tell him that it is fine. That we will get a mat for mom/dads bedroom floor. This way, you are still close by. Him sleeping on the mat would be non-negotiable, but you could offer to lie down on the bed and face him while he goes to sleep. (My 5 year old often slips into our room to sleep on the ikea sleepover mat on my bedroom floor in the night). I would also try to get him to do little things on his own. Can you run upstairs and get ‘insert thing’. It would help mom out etc. No big deal if he refuses though.

    The idea with this strategy is for him to learn that he is ok when he is a bit further away and when that is easy peasy (in quite awhile likely) you try to make the move to his room or for him to fall asleep on the mat without you in the room.

    I would also touch base with his teacher to ask how things are going at school as he seems fearful at home and you are wondering if they have noticed anything.

    My youngest is like your son. Very fearful to be alone all of a sudden. Hopefully, some combo of the above and other advice will help. Good luck!

14. My son had trauma related to bedtime. We took him to a registered play therapist who had experience with trauma and she does directed play. Regardless of what type of therapy you need professionals involved, his level of fear is clearly beyond what you can handle. Taking him to four sessions was only enough to determine if there was a good connection with the therapist, which it sounds like there wasn’t, it’s not a get-out-of-therapy card. You need to reset your expectations. Therapy should last at least a year with some level of impact seen in months, not a few sessions.

    Apart from the you need to have a professional involved, here’s what’s worked for us. We do security checks with him before bed on all of the doors and windows to make sure they’re secure check his closet and under the bed. After the bedtime routine, we tell him we’re going to check on him every 4 mins and then do that until he’s asleep. There is no talking during the checks, it’s just him seeing we’re checking on him. Finally, we had sleep medication prescribed for a while when therapy dredged up a lot of stuff.

15. Child therapist. Preferably one that does play therapy.

    Assuming you’ve already tried the gradual movements. Him not grabbing your shirt, farther space between you, having a mattress on the floor next to your bed, etc etc.

16. I had night terrors sleeping alone until I was 12. Dreaded going to my dads for visitation because he didn’t let me sleep in his bed and I’d just stay up all night until the sun came up. Magically, once my mom bought me a “big girl” bed I immediately started sleeping separate. Any attempt to get me to stay in my own bed before that resulted in me crying myself to sleep in front of her closed/locked bedroom door all night, which at the time was so traumatizing I remember it like it was yesterday. Keep trying with the therapist. Maybe try having “sleepovers” if you can sleep in his bed with him to help a transition.

17. A child therapist specifically. Maybe a child grief counselor to see if he’s coping with the loss? It’s incredibly hard for children to process.

    Your child may not want to go, but for their sake, you need to get them help.

    Also, I have to ask. Do you monitor what your child watches during screen time? Because maybe he saw something online or on a game that has him upset.

    If he sleeps in the dark, maybe a soft night light? Maybe read him stories to kind of distract him before he sleeps?

    Just some thoughts.

18. My son who just turned 9 has been like this since he was old enough to be put in a big bed. I do feel part is attachment and part is anxiety. My son will stress about the same thing and crawl in bed with me whenever he wakes up. My usual routine is to read, lights out, cuddling and sleep. I leave when he falls asleep. He cannot usually fall asleep on his own unless someone lays with him. He sleeps on a different floor which also plays a role and constantly feels home is scary at night. I leave lights on etc. What we just recently found out is he has an anxiety disorder and nighttime triggers his anxiety. Try some different approaches. Its also somewhat normal for kids until they become teens to be very scared of the dark and being alone regardless of issues. Children are biologically primed to reach for their parents in stressful situations and quite frankly we as a society separate them often too soon where they otherwise would by law of nature be seeking parental comfort. Obv nightmares/ lights out / being alone in the dark can be very stressful. But getting him some therapy probably will help ease his mind to a degree and teach him ways to cope with his anxiety. CBT is wonderful if you can obtain it!

19. Get him a dog.

20. Therapy, intense, continuous therapy until it is sorted, then reoccurring therapy to ensure that everything is still working out for him.

    And stop allowing him to watch the tv.

21. Yeah, therapy. Most therapists will tell you it takes 2-3 sessions to establish rapport with adults, let alone a shy/anxious child. Get him back in regular therapy and be more patient.

22. He’s scared to be alone because he’s scared that someone will break into the house…. Hmm I think you should take him to a animal shelter and find a dog tell him that it’s the guard dog that will protect him and make sure that no one breaks into the house. Also a dog will help him with any stress, anxiety, and depression, ease loneliness.

23. You gotta let him cry it out, or else it will only get worse, put him to bed, turn the light off, and walk out, let him cry

24. My son was like this for very similar reasons—it broke my heart that he felt that terrified. He did go to therapy but what helped more was medicating him. I don’t generally jump right to suggesting medication without other interventions first, but we went through hell trying to get that child to sleep, so I’m just telling you what worked for us. My son’s doctor prescribed the meds and they were as needed, non-habit forming, but did help with those anxious thoughts he was having. We also trained one of the dogs to sleep with him for extra comfort. Our doctor did say he’d likely grow out of it as he got older, and for the most part he did. But he’s 19 now and still does use medication for sleep at some times but not often—he prefers to let his body do its thing naturally, but if after a few days of not sleeping he will take the meds. I’m not saying jump right to medication, but definitely have your child seen by the doctor to rule out sleep disorders and whatnot.

25. You need to see a behavioral therapist, both together and separately. They will give you tools and strategies to use to ease your son into more independence and to help him tackle his fears. You need to do this **ASAP** as the longer you wait, the harder it will be for him.

    In the meantime, some strategies I can suggest are:

    – when he needs to go upstairs for something but won’t go alone, go with him, but not all the way. So for example, if he needs something from his room, don’t go all the way into the room with him. Start by waiting in his doorway, then waiting in the hall, then waiting at the top of the stairs and so on. Give him a few experiences at each level before moving to the next one. So 3 times of waiting in his doorway before moving on to waiting in the hall. Then 3 times waiting in the hall before moving on to the top of the stairs, and so on. If he doesn’t go upstairs often, start manufacturing reasons for him to do so, so you can get lots of practice in and lots of opportunities for him to build those ‘muscles’.

    – where do you sleep with him? In his room or yours? Whichever it is, start by having a talk with him during the day that starting the next night (the next night gives him a little time to absorb the idea but too far in the future gives him too much time to build up anxiety about it) you won’t be sleeping beside him in the bed, but will be sitting in a chair next to the bed so that you are there with him. Bring a chair (and a book/ your phone. You’re gonna be there awhile) and sit right up close at the head of his bed. If he wants to hold your hand or otherwise have physical contact, he can. But he is fully in the bed and you are fully in the chair. Usual bedtime routines and expectations stay the same. Give him a good week of that, more if you feel he is really struggling with it or needs more time. Then move your chair to the foot of his bed. He can still have contact with you using his foot if he wants to but he stays in bed (with his head at the head) and you stay in your chair. After he has grown used to that, move your chair away from the bed and closer to the door. Then chair in the doorway. Then chair in the hall right outside his door. And so on. Use your judgement on when you think he’s ready for the next stage but you also need to not be scared to push it a little. Obviously, you don’t want to traumatize him but you also can’t be letting his responses and out-of-control emotions dictate what happens. If he sleeps in your bed, once you get to the stage of having your chair in the doorway of your room, the next level is moving him to his own bed. Again, give him one day’s notice that it will be happening the next night. Start from your chair in his room but not at the bed. Continue as before.

    – for about a week before you start the bedtime strategy, start spending more time with him in his room (whether he currently sleeps there or not). Make a point of removing / demystifying as many fears in his room as you can. He sees shadows? Take him shopping for a nightlight, curtains, whatever and let him pick. The closet scares him? remove everything in it, put a small nightlight in there if possible, etc. Let him have a flashlight in bed with him. Show him how to lock and unlock his windows, get him a lock for the door if that helps him feel secure (keep a key for yourself in case of emergency), and so on. Play in his room with him. Make it a safe, fun, inviting place for him to be. Make tents/blanket forts or consider getting him one of those tents that goes over the mattress.

    – let him talk about his fears. Don’t dismiss them or tell him he ‘doesn’t have to worry about that’. Listen, relate, show acceptance, understanding and empathy. ‘Yes, when I was your age that scared me too. Sometimes, the more we think about something the more afraid we get.’ (don’t tell him about the fears you had as you don’t want to introduce new ones into his thoughts). Then ask him how he could tackle it and what he thinks he could do to not feel as scared about that. Maybe he wants his mattress on the floor and get rid of the frame so he knows no one is hiding under there, for example. Let *him* come up with ideas and solutions and then assist him in carrying those out. He needs to feel capable of self-soothing his fears and problem solving. If he asks for help in coming up with ideas, you can do that, but try to steer him to at least coming up with parts of it and/or executing it. He needs to be actively involved in solving his problems.

    – get him a journal where he can write about his fears, make drawings, whatever. Encourage him to use it, especially when he is feeling super anxious and starting to spiral. Getting those thoughts out of his head and on paper can help him not to obsess over them as much.

    Here’s the thing. By letting his emotions dictate and control what happens, you’re reinforcing his fear that adults are not in charge or in control of the situation and that he is not safe. By being loving but firm, compassionate but in-charge, you’re demonstrating that you know what you are doing, you know what’s best and you will protect him and keep him safe. Continuing to allow him to call the shots makes him think that maybe he *is* right about not being safe in the house and that’s why you let him sleep with you. Because *you* don’t believe he is safe sleeping alone or in his own bed. You have to demonstrate that you believe in him and have confidence in him that he can overcome his fears until he builds his beleif and confidence in himself.