I just wanted to share a personal story about my marriage in hopes of helping people who are going through a rough time in theirs. I know I may get some hate for some of the stuff I share here, I hope you’ll be kind since I’m being vulnerable and honest, but also…I get it.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have two beautiful daughters (3&1yo). We met in college and eloped in Vegas. We always had a troubled relationship. When we first started dating, he had another girlfriend and I didn’t know about it until about 9 months in when she actually called me and told me what was up. Anyway, we moved on for that and I forgave him. We got married about a year later after a fight. He was basically like you can leave but I know we’ll end up together in the end…he’s always maintained a “love at first sight” attraction to me. Somehow we ended up at the conclusion of fuck it let’s get hitched…so we did. I remember having feelings of uncertainty the whole way there and was never really sure of the decision.
That uncertainty creeped into the first two years of our marriage. I have commitment issues and a lot of trauma that kept me from being able to fully partner with anyone, he always knew that and accepted it about me. I was actually really unhappy and unsure about everything, but there was always something keeping me there. It wasn’t comfort or dependence, I had always supported myself and had freedom and the income and support system to do so if I wanted. There was just something about him that kept me around. But I wasn’t fully “there” and ended up having an emotional affair with someone from my past. He was in the military and deployed so I never actually met with him but man did I think I was in love. My husband found out and I told him I was going to leave him. We separated for a while but the whole time he fought for me and wanted to work on things.
After a while and a lot of therapy, I decided I wanted to work on things too, and we did. We both did the work. I realize now how much my own issues and trauma were informing my decisions and made me incapable of really loving someone. As I learned to love myself, I also learned that I loved him. Like…really love him. I can be manic/unpredictable and he is just my rock and accepts me.
We both have our issues and have had one hell of a past, but with lots of love, patience and work we figured it out. Now our marriage is exactly what I wanted out of life and things are calm, steady, and just happy. I never thought life could be so easy and just…nice. We live a simple life and love spending time with each other and our kids. We rarely fight now, we bicker about normal marital stuff but that’s about it.
I just wanted to post this here to encourage those who are fighting for your marriage. For those in dark times hoping to see the light. A lot of what we see here is doom and gloom and instant calls for divorce. I’m not anti divorce. When it’s not right and you know it deep down, or when it’s unhealthy or abusive or both people aren’t in it absolutely get a divorce, especially if kids are involved (please dear god don’t stay together just for the kids). But if you really want it deep in your heart and you’re fighting, doing the work it can get better!
I thank my husband often for seeing something in me and in us. We met young and have grown together, and that’s always going to come with some baggage. If you try, you can get through anything. Keep trying, keep fighting for love. 💕
1 comment
My goodness! I Love this! <3 Thank you for sharing!
I wasn’t able to turn my marriage around with my twins father who I met young at 20 and he was 19. We didn’t have good examples and both lacked self-awareness greatly. By the time we finally had kids, resentments and the issues from the dynamic we’d developed did us in. We did most of our damage with each other in our early to mid-twenties. I wanted to try and start therapy etc. he flat out didn’t want to dedicate to working on the marriage then began cheating. We began fighting again which we hadn’t done in years but now in front of our very small children. So I filed for divorce. That time in my life nearly broke me completely. Having my children depending on me and feeling like I’d failed them was very tough. So I began therapy, reading etc. I was doing great then I met my now husband as my divorce was finalizing and I was completely triggered by attempting to get close and trust someone else. I wanted to break up every other month. I felt defective in that area. I would freak out about everything that could possibly go wrong and just trying to be vulnerable again. It was very frustrating and stressful for him at times. But I continued therapy and he also joined me after I’d again insisted on breaking up with him at the one year mark. I just wanted to give up and be alone due to the fear of failure again. Hurting my kids again. That all changed through my now husbands unwavering love for me and my children. As well as doing the work in therapy. I’m so thankful for my husband. <3