sorry for length :/
GF- girlfriend
CW- coworker
So we have been dating for around 8 months (wlw relationship). My gf works at a restaurant and is good friends with a couple coworkers and is pretty friendly to everyone.
The problem: My gf started becoming super close to a coworker (23?F). Fine, but the problem is that she keeps it a secret.
Over the next two months, GF and this coworker have been texting constantly. She also started acting secretively around her phone. Doing the lean away, never leaving her phone anywhere, etc. However, even though they text constantly, my gf never mentions her. She talks about her other coworkers very frequently, but still doesn’t mention this one.
Fast forward to now, we have had several conversations about it and I tell her I’m not mad about her being friends with a coworker or making new friends or anything like that. I just tell her the secrecy is what bothers me. She says she is not being secretive but she clearly is. We had a convo about this 4 times. Nothing changed, and I never pushed the issue or tried to pry.
Anyway, I had enough of it when GF ditched me to go to a coworkers party instead of a party we had been planning on going to for over a month. She went to a coworker’s tailgate and told me a few minutes before we were going to leave for the other party. I don’t know if CW was there (if she was I don’t know if GF would tell me).
A few days later, I decide to snoop through her phone. I know, sue me. I ONLY looked at her and CW’s messages, absolutely nothing else.
What i found….
– GF has a cool rock displayed in her room that the CW got for her when CW went on a trip. (never told me about it)
– CW is interested in women, and vented about her previous girlfriends. (CW is currently on and off with a boy and vents about this too)
– My gf joked about taking CW to a wedding as her plus one.
– CW bought a embroidered pillow for gf and had it sent to gf’s place.
– GF told CW about a recent situation in which she had a panic attack. She did not tell me.
– GF recently went on a trip and sent CW multiple pictures throughout the day (some she sent me and some she didn’t). Gf said to CW she was “texting at stoplights” to talk to CW.
– CW has sent multiple pictures of herself, asking opinion on new shirt, new hair dye etc.
– Gf sends her the same casual pictures she sends to me, with the same text with them.
Overall they text very very frequently. GF is notoriously bad at responding to messages (but not to me, and CW apparently..)
Obviously there’s more, but that was the major stuff. I feel like shit for snooping but I think what I saw justifies it. Anyway, the next day, I sort of confront her. She lies about everything- where she got the rock, if CW is interested in women, and the last time they texted (she said a week or two, it was a few days ago).
I again ask her why she never talks about this CW but they are texting all the time. She says they don’t talk often at all and they only talk about work. Not true. Barely anything about work was mentioned. I asked her one more time if she had lied to me about anything in a super serious tone. She ended up getting super upset at my lack of trust in her and the conversation basically ended. I never mentioned my snooping, and maybe I should have. But she ended up getting extremely upset and I didn’t want to make it worse. She lied about literally everything I asked her about.
So here’s my question, uhm… is there a way to get the truth? I would prefer not to admit that I snooped but maybe that’s too tall an order. I just don’t feel like the two are equal. I am extremely open about my phone and messages. She can look at anything at anytime and I wouldn’t get upset. But even just asking her questions made her extremely upset. And I told her multiple times it’s not a friendship that bothers me, but the secrecy around it. She says there is not secrecy and that they only talk at work. I genuinely feel crazy because obviously getting gifts for each other, sharing intimate info (panic attacks), and just talking so much in general is more than coworker behavior.
Then, GF said she would stop talking to CW bc she cares about me way more. But I tell her that’s not what I want- just honesty. She said it would be easier to just not talk to her anymore. She did a whole thing about how she loves me so much and how she doesn’t want to lose me and how she is always 100% truthful with me.
Anyway please help me, I don’t want to admit I was sneaking, but without saying that, I have no concrete reason to accuse her or anything. Is her behavior emotional cheating? How do I get the truth? She’s perfect in every way other than this situation, and it doesn’t dominate our relationship, but my trust has seriously been broken over this.
Solutions that don’t require me saying I snooped are preferred. I think I will just be labeled as crazy :/
Thanks so much for reading
TLDR: GF is super close with a coworker, doesn’t talk about it at all, snooped and found out they exchange gifts, have intimate convos, and some suggestive jokes. GF denies anything but a relationship around work, and I don’t want to tell her I snooped. Help pls
7 comments
Honestly dump her. The fact you went through her phone proves that you don’t trust her and you shouldn’t be in a relationship where you aren’t able to trust the other person, she’s just going to continue to lie to you no matter what. Cut the cord, she’s clearly being untruthful for a reason and you already don’t trust her.
Realistically you admitting you snopped is the only way you can catch her in a lie and considering how much she has lied and hidden she will just get super defensive about it and try to paint herself as the victim.
TL;DR dump her, there’s no trust or honesty left in this relationship, not worth the effort.
You got the truth. She lied. You know it. Say seeya. Cut her loose move on. She digs girls bro
You can’t expect honesty when you are hiding things too. Tell her younwent through her conversation with CW.
Yes I very much think this is at least emotional cheating, and potentially more. No matter what, she is hiding a relationship she has with someone else.
I have a feeling you aren’t seeing your relationship clearly, and things aren’t as good as you think they are.
Just the lies and avoidance alone should show you that your GF’s “friendship” with this CW is possibly a lot deeper than she’s leading on. You deserve better. you already got to the point where you snooped through her phone because you clearly don’t trust her and if you try to give her an “ultimatum” to stop being friends with this person it’ll only cause her to be distant and possibly resent you over time. The fact that she’s still lying even after being caught just shows that she’s standing her ground and may be in denial or even confused about what her involvement is with this person.
It’s emotional cheating. Consider moving on.
She’s at a minimum having an emotional affair and likely it will progress to a physical one shortly if it hasn’t already.
It’s an emotional affair, she’s sending her the same text she’s sending you and more. She’s actively hiding the level of communication as well as interaction, whether by lying or omissions. This colleague is effectively a second gf at this point regardless if they’ve been physical.
There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
People in general cannot expect to behave secretively (action) and not arouse suspicion and thus actions to alleviate those suspicions (reaction).
I hope u find someone more faithful in future.