Ugh I don’t know what to think right now. Few days ago I (32F) found a secret gmail account that my husband (33M) has. I was using our shared computer after several months and new updates. Wanted to check online market place for baby stuff. Tried to log into the webpage and a different username came. I saw it referenced to a gmail i was not aware about. So I went and found his password and logged into his account. What I found was ads from call girls and other stuff. Nothing came up when I logged into the marketplace website. I immediately talked to him about it once he came home and he was terribly sorry. Said he never gave his email. That he used it to log into a webpage called city if love.
Well back story is that 2 years ago I found a secret Snapchat account that was just for talking to women from this webpage. He used fake name and everything. Just wanted to flirt and get photos from them. Said it was porn addiction.
Well after I discovered this gmail he told me he used it for this snapchat account and that is why. Okay i was calm for a bit. It was a reasonable explanation as it hasn’t been used since he deactivated his snapchat. Like he didn’t use this gmail it was obvious.
Somehow I just figured there might be something else. I logged into this second work computer. One that he rarely uses as it doesn’t work well. There i found a folder on the desktop. Open it and *boom* its full of photos of women, naked, in a bikini, p***y pics etc. I even found photos of our neighbor and his first cousin. Gosh i hate him. He has been downloading photos in a file on this pc. Fucking disgusting. I felt sick to my stomach. Ugh! I also found that he was had an OF account and paid for content. He hasn’t done it for a year. I went over the credit card bill. Its separate from mine. That was on a second gmail account but apparently it was one he made back in high school. So photos and OF.
So now I took our 4 month old to my parents for vacation. I had booked it prior to this. I feel like our marriage is over. All he does is look at other women. He rarely wants sex and is quite boring in bed. I feel like I can’t compete with all of this and frankly I don’t want to. I am a beautiful woman, wonderful mother, with excellent education and good paying job. Have enough money to buy me a house and a car if we were to separate. However I love this asshole but feel like it’s not enough for him. We have been to counseling where he was given the chance to be open and truthful. He didn’t. He just lied in my face.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Should we try to work it out? He hasn’t used OF for over a year however his file with photos was last updated in October.
17 comments
What is your issue exactly? He can’t look at porn? He can look at it but you don’t like him lying? That he won’t have sex with you that often?
Issue is he used snapchat to talk to escorts. Asked for prices, photos and etc.
Downloaded photos of several women that i know.
Then he is never horny or wants intimacy.
I mean I have never been in a relationship with someone who is like this. I watch porn, lets do it together but flirting with other women. I draw the line.
If he has a porn addiction, just give it up. When a man puts a porn addiction above you’re relationship then it’s up to you to decide what you’re willing to tolerate. I’ve been in this same situation and if I had to do it all again, I would have chosen to give up my relationship. I’m a 60+ woman who would have given anything to make my marriage work but porn destroyed it entirely. He’s still into porn despite all I’ve tried but at my age what can I do?? I tried everything I could to change things but porn was so much more important that I knew I couldn’t compete. Porn is such a huge complication in a relationship. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have been gone a long time ago!! Either accept what you can’t change or leave and be true to yourself.
Check out the reddit group love after porn. They have helped me alot.
The only Way Forward would involve him coming clean and taking concrete steps towards ending this behavior…. It would have to all come from him…
He has an addiction. If he was a drug addict would you abandon him? This is an addiction just like any other. Help him! He needs help.
Shit! If you were going through some shit would you want your husband to just bail on you, or would you want him to help you?
He needs therapy.
He needs to live 100% transparent.
He needs to delete everything.
He to hooked and it snowballed from there. He can get better with help.
It will help your sex life too.
Seems like he’s been trying to get better if you found things from awhile ago, and he has been on OF for a year. He just needs help to kick the habit..
You can certainly leave him if you want, it he never wanted you to compete. It really has nothing to do with you – it’s an addiction and he needs help. The one person in the world that should have his back as support him through this is you
Why in the world would you keep this loser? Come on now. Most ladies on here, in similar situations, don’t have a pot to piss in – you’ve got it made. Six months from now, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him
It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling hurt, betrayed, and unsure about the future of your relationship. Here are a few suggestions on how to approach this situation:
Consider continuing with marriage counseling and possibly individual therapy for both of you. A professional therapist can provide guidance and support in addressing the underlying issues, improving communication, and rebuilding trust.
Establish boundaries and expectations: Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings, concerns, and the impact his actions have had on you. Set clear boundaries regarding appropriate behavior and expectations within the relationship.
Assess his commitment to change: It’s important for your husband to acknowledge his addiction, take responsibility for his actions, and demonstrate a genuine commitment to change. He may need to seek specialized help or join a support group to address his addiction and learn healthier coping mechanisms.
Take care of yourself: Focus on self-care during this challenging time. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you process your emotions.
Consider your options: Ultimately, the decision to continue working on the relationship or separate is a personal one. Take the time to reflect on your own needs, values, and overall happiness. Consulting with a therapist can provide valuable insights and guidance as you navigate this decision-making process.
Remember, healing and rebuilding trust take time, effort, and commitment from both partners. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and make decisions that align with your values and what you believe is best for you and your child.
I am the only one working right now and I have my own suspicions not to mention he doesn’t even make any sort of any effort. I just feel alone. If he did. He knows how to hide it. He has keystrokes logged so I would never even attempt to explore. The fact he wants nothing in the bedroom is enough. I’m tired of working full time. Handling everything while he can’t even provide the bare minimum. He’s been unemployed since covid began. I am burnt out and it’s my turn for a break now. He doesn’t give a fuck or fuck me.
Your marriage isn’t how you imagined it because relationships don’t exist how we were taught they we.re I don’t believe there is a man on earth that will never lie or go behind your back to get a hit of his favorite drug, which is women. It disgusts me and I think about suicide every day, not just because of that but all the other evil.
If he dont go a on therapy for his addiction and do nothing to keep his familly there is no point on staying with him!
It will only a life of anxious and sadness
Im sorry, you deserve so much better!
His first cousin ?!!
What is wrong with some people. You have everything you could want, wife, baby, house, career and boom let’s ruin it by saving pussy pics in a special folder.
Porn is doing more harm than good I’m convinced.
I wouldn’t try and work it out, but that’s me.
This is divorce worthy. I wouldn’t stay married to this creepy cheater.
He has a serious major problem. Possibly even demonic attachment. Everyone sits here and justifies watching porn etc etc. watching porn is NOT okay, it’s disgusting. And him being married and doing it, he committed adultery. LOVE DOESNT LIE LOVE DOESNT CHEAT. In Gods eyes it is okay for you to divorce him. Not all men are like this, trust me.
Why don’t you just open the relationship, if you still love him as a person? If not might just as well divorce him.