We have been married for 13 years, and have 2 children together. This past year has been eye opening for me and him. Throughout the years I have of course come across his web searches and have seen the accounts he follows on social media.
And each time I see things it cuts me so deep. I spiral and get so low that I punish myself because I’m not physically the type he looks at. I’ve gained weight after the children and gave up for a bit.
This last year I have worked really hard and have lost 60lbs. I’ve got a bit to go but I feel more confident and I am starting to love myself again.
We are intimate again, after a very long 3 year dry season. It’s less often than I would like, but I know it’s something we have to work on.
We have had talks about what he looks at and how it makes me feel. I asked him if it was just for a quick dopamine rush or if this is what he really wants and if I’m holding him back.
He told me it’s just a fantasy and that he loves me and is proud of how much I have done. He has communicated with me more and is more open. We have come a long way in that part of our relationship.
He told me that he has lost trust in me throughout the years because of how much I have reacted and blamed myself and got frustrated with knowing more about him and his habits. I own that, I get it, there are deeper issues at play and I need to continue to work through them.
I want to get to a place where I am mature enough to understand that it’s not about me. I’m not something he is trying to run from. That I am who he loves and chooses to be with. That I can know what he looks at and not feel threatened or intimidated. I know he doesn’t have a connection with them, that he doesn’t seek a connection.
I want for him to trust me again, and be able to be more open with his wants, fantasies, etc.
The hardest part now, is that even after all the stuff we have talked about, still seeing occasionally what he does look at… hurts. I still tell myself I’m never going to be enough. That I’m never going to be the same, I’m never going to look like I did before kids. That I will never be his “fantasy” and it kills me.
Any advise from others who have worked through this would be great.
21 comments
You don’t have to accept porn in a relationship. You can set boundaries for your own mental health, and if it hurts you that bad he should be willing to give it up.
Hear me out. He says he’s lost trust in you because of how much you’ve blamed yourself for his viewing activities and refers to his preferences as a fantasy. Nowhere in your post did I find that he empathized with you or understood the validity of your concerns. Even with all the discussions and progress, it seems like he is not willing to acknowledge that his behaviour is hurting you. It’s good that you’re accepting the things that you had to work on and be more intimate with your partner and that’s a sign of emotional maturity but he’s not willing to let go of his fantasies for the woman he loves even when he knows that it hurts her. That should tell you a lot about him. Certainly more than his words. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling hurt about his viewing preferences. The fact that he doesn’t care enough about that speaks volumes about his priorities. The fact that he blames you for making him lose his ‘trust’ for simply feeling hurt that he looks at women who don’t look like you shows how little he cares about you. You need to put yourself first.
Summary: Deadbedroom husband watches porn to subside his natural desires. Wife, instead of working on the deadbedroom “spirals”, puts on weight, and doesn’t fix the bedroom. Husband sticks by his family despite the cavernous hole that fills in for physical intimacy with his wife. Fast forward years and wife builds some resolve, loses weight, starts to look great, starts to feel sexy, wants sex, husband wants sex with her, they have sex. Husband uses porn less (he’s still not happy with frequency).
Now that her sexual life is getting back on track she wants to blow it up right when it’s on the cusp of starting to actually work.
Recommendation: have a bit more sex on a frequent basis.
What is he like physically and sexually? Is he some kind of perfect specimen with washboard abs, broad shoulders, chiseled jaw, perfect teeth, lustrous hair and a huge package? Can he go multiple rounds or is he one and done? Does he last long and drive hard?
If not, then he’s not much of a p*rn star himself.
Sociologists have found that people tend to hook up with a partner who is equally attractive.
In the absence of a disfiguring accident or disease, you were probably quite compatible looks-wise when wed. If you’ve had a couple kids, then he probably has a ‘dad bod’ by now too.
P*rn is not in any way real! They’re paid actors and have all the time in the world to maintain their physique and wax and oil everything everywhere! You shouldn’t compare yourself with anyone in erotica anymore than the average guy should compare himself to Superman or Keanu Reeves.
Take good care of yourself and take pride in your appearance by all means, but don’t nag him about p*rn. It’s a billion dollar business and with the amount and variety of media and toys centered around sex only growing more popular.
P*rn can easily become an addiction so don’t put up with that, but as long as it’s in moderation, there shouldn’t be any harm to your relationship or jealousy on your part just as you wouldn’t be jealous of Julia Roberts or Kiera Knightley or Reece Witherspoon in a movie.
Maybe watch some made-for-female porn yourself(?) Perhaps incorporate some of the variety depicted, if you’re feeling adventurous. Or watch some p*rn together and talk about things to try out and have fun with.
Definitely take comfort in knowing he’s not with another woman in actuality, either as an affair or as a paying customer.
Remember, You’re Enough & You’re Beautiful.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise😉
You might want to check out the resources in the subreddit r/loveafterporn
How do you keep coming across his searches? That’s what I don’t get. This might be one of those situations where you know the stove is hot but you keep touching it to check.
Is there any way you can stop touching the stove? Sometimes for things like this, out of sight is out of mind and better. If it is really just occasional porn that he has worked on keeping in check and cutting back on, then do you need to keep seeing what he looks at?
Ok hear me out on this one. Most women in the porn industry are going to be of a certain body type because it’s what the majority of the market wants to see. The majority of porn films are trying to appeal to the largest market they can to maximize profit.
I don’t know if you watch porn or not but plenty of married women do. The vast majority of male performers are certainly well above average in the trouser snake department. Would you therefore come to the conclusion that all of these women see their husband’s penis as inadequate? Should they instead be searching for porn where the guy has a penis and/or a body type comparable to their husband?
Now i do see masterbaiting several times a day to porn and not having sex with your wife as a legitimate issue that needs to be addressed. But i think you may be putting too much emphasis on what exactly he’s watching.
He had a 3 year habit. He is not choosing you over that habit or those fantasies. Therefore, he is not going to empathize or have any concerns over your feelings. The bigger problem is him manipulating you to take the blame for his behavior. He is choosing porn over cheating, but it still feels like betrayal. You must still work on yourself for you and for your health. Do what you need to do for you at this point in that aspect. You can’t compete with porn and will never be enough compared to it.
Insecurity is ugly. Porn skews realistic expectations.
You are in denial. Talk to a therapist on your own.
I’m glad to hear that you and your husband have been working on improving your communication and intimacy in your relationship. Rebuilding trust and navigating insecurities can be challenging, but it’s possible with time, effort, and open communication. Here are some suggestions to consider:
It’s important to practice self-compassion and remind yourself that your worth is not solely defined by your appearance. Celebrate your accomplishments and the progress you’ve made in your personal journey. Focus on embracing your own unique beauty and loving yourself as you are.
Set boundaries: Establish boundaries that work for both of you in terms of online behavior and consumption of explicit content. This may involve discussing what is acceptable within the relationship and agreeing on mutually respectful boundaries that honor both your needs.
Place emphasis on nurturing your emotional and physical connection with your husband. Explore ways to deepen your bond and enhance your intimacy.
This could include engaging in activities that bring you closer, expressing appreciation and love for each other, and finding new ways to connect emotionally and physically.
Remember, healing and rebuilding trust takes time. Be patient with yourself and your husband as you navigate this journey together
Contact a sexologist and it will help to go though your struggles,reconnecte but also have a healthy & good sexuality with each other!
He sounds boring in the bedroom
Some people have said it but it’s ok to not be ok with your partner watching porn or following half-naked models.
The problem with this is that his words say one thing, but his actions say the opposite. He gives you the words “I love you” but then what he watches to get off is not similar to you. One could think he’s lying to try to make you feel better. But I don’t think it’s the case.
First of all, we all like different things, it’s usually not possible for one person to have all those qualities.
Secondly, we desire what we can not have.
And lastly, you can value your partner as a person, love their body and enjoy sex with them while also valuing the people you get off to as just “sexual objects” you use to, well, get off.
But the latter is also the reason so many people said it’s ok to not be ok with a partner watching porn. Even if your partner values the things he watches to get off as sexual things and nothing more, there can be a conflict in how you feel. Wether we like it or not, sex is an important part of most relationships, so in a way, we need to be valued as a person but also feel wanted sexually by our partner, if you remove the sex part, you have a very good friend.
If he’s not fucking you. He’s wasting your time. He probably can’t even get it up because he spends all his time fantasizing about other women. I know when they say they “don’t see the women” they just are paying attention to the “parts”
It’s comedic really. Like honey….Same goes for them watching a streamer….oh I just really like them as a person….that’s interesting why are all your favorites super attractive females then? Interesting.
Fuck that. Try doing the same thing to them. You’ll find out real quick how they aren’t innocent and manipulate you.
I watch a lot of porn. Like 1% of the girls in porn look like my wife before or after kids. I think about her like 95% of the time I’m watching porn. If she made me more porn of herself, I would probably only watch that.
I would almost always choose sex with my wife over watching porn. But I also don’t expect her to have sex with me as often as I want it (which is a couple times per day most days). So I fill in the gaps with porn.
We also had a 3 year dry spell after kids, and it hurt our relationship and sex life immensely. But we worked through it. Lots and lots of open and honest communication.
She has worked on bringing her sex drive up and finding her own fantasies. I work on lowering my expectations and being happy with what I have.
5 years removed from our dryspell, and we would both agree we have the most amazing sex life in all the years we have been together. It’s not even close.
I get jealous of her fantasies sometimes, and she does mine, I’m sure. It’s impossible to meet every single fantasy a person has. And that shouldn’t be either person’s goal. Separating reality from fantasy is important. Making sure both people are mutually fulfilled is important. Making sure both people are open and honest without being hurtful is important.
It’s his job to help you feel secure, though. If my wife said no more porn. I would accept it. But she would have to find me a replacement or have a lot more sex with me.
I’m sorry, he lost trust in you?????? For being self conscious because of the things he’s done????
So which actor are you attracted to? And can you honestly say your husband looks like them?
In my experience some people (typically women) just cannot ever fully accept that their partner looks at women/porn/etc. No matter how much they know their man loves them or how great of a relationship they have outside of that. You cannot force yourself to be okay with it if deep down you’re not. You’ll just end up reacting badly later, becoming suspicious, feeling insecure & making things bad again. It sounds like you’re saying you want him to trust you and be open but when he is you can’t stand hearing the truth. One solution is for him to hide it as much as possible. Let’s say you never catch him again, but that little voice inside your head reminding you what he looks at might never go away. If he is willing to do some work himself that is the best solution in my eyes. Figure out why he can’t stop & work on connecting with you.
This is all so vague that its impossible to anwser. Thats why you have anwsers that vary from telling you to divorce this monster to the ones that blame you.
The thing is, most men, or even most people in general, look at porn. If you choose to leave, you will probably end up with a man who also looks at porn. Porn use is normal. Especially in dead bedroom situations. But there are also varying degrees of porn use, that can be damaging to a relationship.
If your husband has actual issues with porn, like porn addiction, extreme tastes, spends a lot of money on it, refuses to have sex with you because of porn, then yes, those are issues that he needs to fix.
But if he is watching your run of the mill porn and has a tug every once in a while, then thats a different thing. Then the real issue is your insecurities and image problems, not his porn use.
Of course, you can draw a line in the sand and say that porn is your hard limit and dump him for it. But the unfortunate reality is that porn use is very common, and unless its abnormal, its something most people learn to live with.
The only real advice we can realisticly give is for you to go to couples and individual councling. Because the more specific course of action really comes down to many other details that you left out.
Being attractive and maintaining romance between your partner and yourself is the most important thing for the health of the relationship. You two should engage in exercise together, motivating eachother to get in shape and rekindle the romance