He is the most wonderful person in the world. So patient. So kind. Perfect for me in every way. I am so happy that I married him and our marriage is so strong.
Now to the issues… Periodically, he brings up the question of when I’m gonna change my name. Thing is, and I’ve been up front with this- I probably won’t. I like my last name. It’s my name. It’s unique and it reminds me of my dad (who passed when I was a kid.)
Has this ever been a deal breaker issue for an already strong marriage? I think I’m just paranoid but it still bothers me..
Edit: a detail that should’ve been in the original post. I am in nursing school and graduating in a few days. A name change at this point would be a massive pain since I’m trying to take my NCLEX soon. I’ve tried explaining this to him and the question still always comes up.
15 comments
Would a hyphenated last name be a compromise?
If he keeps asking then you haven’t been as upfront about it as you think you have. Sit him down one day (not when he brings it up) and be crystal clear about your intentions.
Use completely unambiguous language – “I have no intention of changing my last name under any circumstances” type of unambiguous.
Make sure you point out the reasons why you won’t consider it. Don’t say anything that will make him think that you’ll change your mind if you don’t think you will. And last but not least, ask him to stop bringing it up.
I can’t stress enough the importance of not waffling in your response! Any mention of “maybe, we’ll see, I’ll think about it, I’m not sure” or any other loophole language will derail your purpose and then you can’t blame him for continuing to bring it up.
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Changing my name makes me feel like I’m losing a part of my identity. Like I’m not a part of my family (my parents) anymore. Idk makes me feel weird. If anybody even refers to me with my married name, I feel like it’s not even the same person. I like my name should be enough of a reason. Changing last names is a weird concept anyways.
Why didn’t you discuss this before…?
This would have been a deal breaker to me.
If my wife had told me before our wedding she wouldnt take my last name i wouldnt have married her, and i think she is stunning, and wonderful in every way.
You maybe your dads girk, but youre your hubands spouse, his wife, his bride. I feel sorry for him knowing your devotion lies with your deceased father rather than the covenant you entered into with him.
If you want to keep your last name hiw about miving it to be a second middle name?
You might not understand it but men, need crave and desire respect and thats about the most disrespectful thing you could do.
Was this not discussed before you got married?
Ask him why he cares so much.
My hubby initially was a bit taken aback when I said I wouldn’t, but then we discussed why he wanted it. His reasons boiled down to “That is what is done” and “that is how women show commitment”. I calmly approached each with logic–“When else in our life do we bow to tradition mindlessly?” and “Does your not changing your name mean you are less committed to me?”. He realized he just didn’t really feel strongly and couldn’t support his point.
I was very clear on all my reasons for not changing my name. He needed to move me off that point (I basically said he needed to try to convince me) and, in the course of the conversation, he realized he couldn’t and his reasons were garbage.
You need to make a definitive decision and straight up tell him what it’s going to be. This ideally would’ve been a convo before you got married though.
If you agreed to change your name and decided you won’t anymore, it’s kind of a shit move but you need to let him decide what he wants to do going forward with that information. He’s probably gonna be pretty pissed if that’s the case. Just keep communicating.
If you told him you wouldn’t in advance, you just need to clearly state that you’re not going to change your name as discussed, and don’t want to be asked anymore. Talk to him about any feelings that come up because of it.
I haven’t changed my name because it’s such a process, but I will. It’s been three years though. My husband also has been asking. I just dread having to do all the shit that is required.
I added my husband’s name to mine with a space between. I use my maiden name professionally (it’s on my degrees and such) and married name socially.
You need to take the word “probably” out when you talk to him I think.
A man who expects you to change your name doesn’t truly see you as equal.
I regret changing my last name!
One thing I learned from my husband and other men I know is that they see an unchanged name as a sign of trouble in the marriage. They see it as you being poised for divorce. Most men grow up believing they will give a woman their family name and be united under that name. So it may be hard for him to come to terms with that never happening.
Give him an exact date. You can even say after two years as you claim he is patient.