This is my first ever post and doing it on a throwaway account so please bare with me.
I (M27) found out about 2 months ago that my girlfriend of 5 years (F24) had been cheating on me with a lad from her work (M19) for the past 6 months.
Bit of backstory; the relationship had always been solid, we would see each other 4/5 times a week and stay over with each other alot. We would do nice things together and we were each others best friends. Fast forward to about a year ago she moved away, she’s only an hour and a bit down the road but with our busy work lives it was no longer viable to see each other as frequent as we did in the past.
Naturally things slowed down a bit as expected but we were both very reassuring that nothing had changed and the feelings was still the same. She got a new job working at a Recruitment agency, which is a typically fun social environment. There was never any worry in my mind that it would have an impact on our relationship as she has always been the type to go out with her friends alot and I trusted her completely.
After a few months there was a turning point where she would slow down texting me, taking longer to reply, not really giving me much to work with in terms of continuing on conversations, I put this down to just being busy at work and thought nothing of it.
I would still drive down once a week to spend a few nights with her. The first alarm bell was we was in bed together at about 11pm and this lad rang her out of the blue and she panicked and told me it was nothing and he was probably drunk asking her if she was out, it did cause a bit of an argument as I told her she can ring him back but she chose not to. I ended up going home that night before it escalated. She reassured me the next day it was nothing and I was being paranoid for no reason (this is where the gaslighting started)
From that point onwards I always had my suspicion about this guy, she claimed he knew she was in a relationship and that they were just friends. I trusted her and made myself believe I was just being paranoid.
Every guy has that one guy who they just don’t trust, it’s a gut instinct, and from experience is usually correct.
Few weeks go by and everything is back to “normal”
We had made plans for me to go down one night and the night before she was at a family meal, we were texting as normal and then suddenly she just stopped replying. I found that a bit strange but thought her phone must of died or something. After about 5 hours of silence her sister had put a post on social media of my girlfriend out having a drink with this lad looking quite cosy. Fair enough to say shit hit the fan, I messaged her saying atleast I know why she’s ignoring me now it’s because you’re with him. Instant reply from her, so she had been reading my messages and choosing not to reply.
She told me after the family meal that her and her sister went out for a drink together and just so happened to “bump” into him. She told me I was being really paranoid and that they were just colleagues, had one drink together then she went home. She said I was being really paranoid and if I carry on then she will break up with me.
She made me believe I was going crazy.
Our relationship was a bit rocky from that point on, but fast forward to a few month ago, I had my suspicion that she was indeed cheating on me, I was staying at hers and she fell asleep (we both put our phones on charge at night on the bedside table next to my side of the bed)
She gets a message off him about midnight out of the blue, she’s fast asleep, my paranoia got the better of me so I unlocked her phone and read the message. I ended up reading their whole chat log. Fair enough to say they was in a full blown relationship together. All of my “paranoia” was justified. They were going on dates, she was staying over at his, having sex, he had no idea she was in a relationship, they were making plans for the future.
After the sinking feeling had passed I stayed up all night whilst she was sleeping next to me reading all the messages and cross checking them to our own messages to see just how much she was lying to me. On many occasions she would text me at 9pm saying she’s tired and going sleep when in actual fact he was picking her up and staying over at his.
Whenever I stayed over at hers in the morning she would tell me she was waking up early and getting the bus to work, he was actually picking her up. She would actually leave me in bed and get in his car.
Bit of further context; throughout the whole affair she had received some bad news about her mum and was going out 6/7 times a month drinking and doing drugs. I told her it was unhealthy and that I wanted to help her but she was saying she’s fine and wouldn’t accept the help. She always said she was out with a few girls from work but it turns out it was her and this guy.
That morning she went into work and I had to tell her I knew somehow but I couldn’t approach her directly, she had gaslighted me and mentally broke me to the point where I was scared to approach her in case it turned nasty.
I lied and told her that someone had tipped me off about him, I confronted her with dates/sleepovers/meeting up. She denied it all and told me it was someone trying to sabotage our relationship. Even though I had all this evidence she was still lying to me.
After about an hour of her denying it she cracked and admitted it to me. She gave me the usual spiel on how sorry she is, she’ll do anything, she’ll move back home, we can live together, she’ll quit her job etc etc
She told me she wasn’t coping with her mum and was on self destruct.
On to the present day, we are talking. We have agreed to take things slow. She has made it clear she regrets everything. She still hopes we have a future together. A part of me wants to believe we can work past it, but 5 years down the drain is a very hard pill to swallow. She still lives an hour away, she still goes out a bit, she still even works with the lad. The whole office knows too, it has put me in a very difficult position.
She loves her job and is thought very highly of, but she is still spending more time with him (albeit only in work) than she is with me.
She has blocked him on everything, however she can’t block him on WhatsApp because they are in a work chat together. WhatsApp is how they used to communicate anyway. She claims they now hate each other but I can’t believe that.
I don’t know if I can move past this whilst they still work together, the first time they slept together was after a night out involving drugs and alcohol, which is quite a common thing in her style of work.
Do I need to just accept its done with and move on?
We always said we were soulmates and agreed that cheating is the worst thing you can ever do to someone, but she’s done the one thing she was never capable of.
Sorry if a difficult long read, I’m typing this whilst on my lunch break. She has asked me stay at hers for a week at the end of the month whilst everyone is away. I don’t know what to do. My heart is telling me she’s my soulmate and we can still have the future we always spoke about, but my brain is telling me that because they work together it’s going to happen again, and that because she’s capable of cheating that she was never the girl I thought she was, that the girl I fell in love with never really existed.
36 comments
I can’t imagine why anyone would stay with someone like this, let alone believe the excuse that her mom’s death made her do it. She’s an altogether horrible person and you are being a sucker.
Well.
How do you feel about sharing her with him?
Cause that’s the best you’re going to get regardless of what she says…
She had been cheating for 6 months, and had no problem lying to your face. This person is not your soulmate. I know that it’s hard, but you should cut things off with this person and block them entirely from your life. They have demonstrated They aren’t faithful, trustworthy, or even a decent human being. Surround yourself by people who are going to be there for you, toss her to the streets. Have you had an STD test? You might be able to say you can forgive her, but I can guarantee you will always resent her for her betrayal and shitty behavior
Well she opened up your relationship so you might as well be digging as well…. But I guarantee she would be pissed and maybe that’s the right answer to show her. The effects this has on a relationship.
You might believe she is your soulmate
She does not think you are her soulmate. She is still looking and keeping you tied down in case she doesn’t find them.
She showed you who she is and it is not good. You should leave.
I’m so sorry. She laid next to you and looked you in the eyes and lied. She cheated. Cut your losses and move on.
First thing I am sorry you deserve so much more. You need to go and get tested for STD’s and this would be my advise to you say no to anymore visits with her. Take a break and start dating others I think you will see you are worthy of so much more.
I’m so sorry. Some people can move past cheating but I don’t know how. I can’t. My two cents is you should break up and move on. You’re still young.. plenty of time to find your actual soulmate.
This is a person who will continue to cheat on you no matter what. She will lie and manipulate you and make you feel like shit.
Frankly you don’t even know if this is the first time she’s cheated. It’s just the first time she’s been caught.
You can be miserable for years and then breakup finally. Or you can jump to the breaking up part now and save yourself a ton of heartache.
And get yourself tested for STD’s
Mate, it’s over & done with – she cheated on you for months, move on.
No relationship survives cheating, there is no “working on it” they broke the trust of the relationship and it just gives them the power to cheat on you again next time knowing they’ll get away with it..oh yh, there will be a next time and you’re be back here again – dump & move on 👍
First, a night out involving drugs and alcohol has nothing to do with any style of work. There is absolutely no job description that says, “Must love drugs and alcohol.”
Don’t get caught up in the lost time fallacy. It hasn’t been five years down the drain. Obviously, there have been bad times and good times. You’ve learned from the relationship. 27 years old is hardly too late to find someone else. This relationship ran its course a while back. She was only 19 years old when it began. Don’t hang on to it just because you think you’ve put too much time and effort in it.
Forgive her and walk away. That’s right. I said forgive her. Because the best revenge against a cheater is to keep being the better person.
But definitely walk away.
OP,
It’s a tough decision. If you two can do therapy, that would help. You also should have the right to occasionally look through her phone.
Is there life after infidelity? Yes. But it’s hard. She needs to put in the effort, as do you. She has to earn your trust. Personally, I would think she needs to start looking for a new job location to show she’s committed to you, if that’s possible for her. What is she willing to do to earn your trust back, without you asking for it? That’s the biggest thing you need to talk about. Is what she offers enough?
Good luck, OP! Therapy at a minimum if you want to stay together.
Yeah 5 years is nothing man
You lucky you aren’t married with kids
This woman ain’t worth your mental health
Report her to her work and get out of there.
You are young, why accept this.
Make you exit plan that works for your needs. listen to the voice inside you.
the time you waste with her will only delay find the person out there for you. One you and trust and spend your life with.
walk away from this
I saw your comments. I think you have your decision made. I just couldn’t see her taking reconciliation with you seriously without her leaving her job. There is no way she should be any where near that guy. It was her fault she got into this situation. She should have left her job if she was serious with you. Doesn’t matter how much she liked the job – actions have consequences.
Saw your comment, and it’s good that you are breaking up with her.
She is a pathological liar.
Block her completely so that you can heal.
So, still long distance. Still working with the guy. Not sure how this works even if you could get past the cheating. Also sounds like her sister knew something was up as she posted pics of the two. You’re young. Find someone less able to lie straight to your face for months. Best of luck.
Come on now pal, you know the answer. Once a cheater always a cheater. You will never trust her again.
UpdateMe!
Man sorry that you are here, but please grow a backbone and text her its over. She is not worth it to even do it person, just text her and then block. Trust me i have been there myself with my ex fiancee, you are lucky you don’t live together. Cut your ties and move on, this is the best you can do right now for your mental health. Ask yourself how you could ever trust her again, you can’t be with her 24/7, there would always be doubts. Hit the gym and as stupid as it sounds enjoy your freedom, my ex threw away 7 years for a EA with her boss. Almost 5 years later, i am the one who is married with 2 kids and she is still looking for her next guy. Life is to short to be miserable because of a woman/man. Take some time to heal and get back out there man, trust me you will find the right one, i couldn’t believe it myself almost 5 years ago and now i am having my own little family. I wish you the best man hope youre doing the right thing and keep us updatet
If she regretted it, the time to confess and cut it off was one of the multiple times you prompted her that you knew something was up.
Instead she held out to the very end after she couldn’t fuck with your head any longer.
You get what you tolerate, my friend. So when she does this again you can thank yourself for allowing her the opportunity to do so.
You need to leave. I used to cheat. I’m going to tell you what is going on. I’m a woman btw. She feels bad for you. She uses you as a rebound to fill in emptiness and loneliness. She doesn’t love you and will continue doing the same thing. She’s using you as security. Leave now and do not look back. I’m sorry, I know it sucks but please don’t degrade yourself like that.
I mean she still works with him how would ever be able to get back together? If she was serious she would find a new job asap and work on fixing the mess she made. Personally life is to short I would move on.
Wow you have been and continue to be so naive when believing her
Copy all evidence, and TELL EVERYONE SHE CHEATED.
She has lied and she will make you the bad guy when you dump her, and you will lose friends,
Too many stories about people not protecting themselves
Jesus Dude
Send her to the streets. She is no damn good
Please report back when she is shit canned!!
Mate,
How can you believe a liar? She has looked you in the face and lied, lied and lied some more. She then continued to lie even when you knew. She slept with you and then jumped into a car with him. And the cherry on top her bloody family knew!! None of them bothered to warn you, advise you or cared enough to stop it.
Why are you wasting your time?
When someone is truly remorseful, they go out of their way to make it up to their partner. Look at her actions not the deceitful words. As you bloody know, she’s good at lying. ( I find most recruitment people are).
And I’m sorry that’s bs she cannot block him on WhatsApp. You can block someone and still see their messages in a group. And are you honestly taking the words of a liar saying her whole office knows and they now hate each other?
Who told the office? She’s provided no proof of this and is again trying to manipulate you into believing her lies.
She’s shown you’re a placeholder. She had no issues throwing away 5 years of your life. Are you honestly going to waste more time? When is enough, going to be enough? When you’re married? When you find out the kids aren’t yours? Don’t be naive. The sink cost fallacy is a waste. Don’t give up your youth on such a deceitful person. She isn’t your soulmate as no soulmate will cheat.
Dude – have some self respect. Get rid immediately!
>My heart is telling me she’s my soulmate and we can still have the future we always spoke about
Your heart is lying.
She belongs to the streets.
Most of the recent posts here are about cheating now.
Let him have her she was trying out your replacement and got caught before she could move on with him she didn’t just cheat she had a full on relationship with him cut your losses now she will definitely do this again and next you might be married with kids
It’s not just the cheating, it’s the lying about the cheating.
Quick update as can’t really function right now. We’ve blocked each other.
I truly believe she hates herself for what she’s done. But unfortunately as many have said she doesn’t care enough to quit her job and eliminate the guy out of her life. I think if she did that straight away then we could of maybe worked things out.
This next chapter in my life is going to be so difficult. I know it’s for the best though. My love for her has never changed. Even though she broke me I still want her to have a happy life. She’s not a bad person, she’s just done a terrible thing. I’m not defending her in any way whatsoever, what she did is the worst possible thing you can do to someone. It’s inexcusable.
Want to say thank you so much to everyone who has take time to comment and message me privately, really do appreciate it.
Heal, rebuild, be better.
Just need to tell myself everythings going to be okay, I can’t picture my life without her in it, she was perfect.
Sometimes it’s just not meant to be and there’s nothing you can do about that, I’ll learn a few lessons from this, got to find some silver lining.
Thank you all again.
She lied and manipulated you for months. Don’t be a victim to the Sunken Cost Fallacy. End the relationship and move on.
Dude. Stand up for yourself. She’s fucking someone behind your back, gaslighting you the entire time, knowingly ignoring you to hang out with someone else, not messaging you after 9 pm to be with him or leaving you in the am to be with him.
What the fuck. Please respect yourself more than this. Do NOT stay with this person whatever you do. They’re garbage, using you while they fuck around and do things they know they shouldn’t behind your back.
If it’s not this guy, it’ll be someone else in the future.
Save yourself that pain and suffering. It’d better to be single than deal with this mess.
Your heart may be telling you that you’re soulmates because you’re attached this person and have feelings for them. Despite what they’ve done, those feelings don’t just turn off. Think logically about how hurt you are by this.
Reality check-in – would your soulmate fuck someone else and lie for months behind your back? You should know your answer, and it’s definitely not yes.
I read this but checked out at 27/m and 23/f
my little sister is 23, and all her little friends are 23… there’s no way these girls are in the same life stages as a 27 year old man. This is just my own opinion but this is too much young girl drama for a grown ass man.