My boyfriend is incarcerated. He’s officially been gone for 4 months now. He has 4 years before his parole hearing. This is the most painful thing I’ve ever been through, and I’m not sure I can make it 4 years in this agony. But how do you let go of someone you see everything with? I will never love anyone as much as him. I obviously can’t predict the future, but the way I see it is if I choose to give this up with him because of the pain it’s causing me it will always be him in the end. If I’m married 4 years from now when he is finally released it would be end game for any relationship I’m in because I truly believe he’s my soulmate.
I’m 26F. I’ll be 30 by the time he’s out. I have no kids. The pain of him not being here is unbearable somedays. I feel like I know what I need to do, but the love between us is so strong. It’s hard to let go of that.
TLDR: How do you let someone go when you can see everything with them? Is it true if you set something free and it’s meant to be it will return?
Edit: He is in prison for a bar fight that happened 2 years ago. Unfortunately, when intoxicated we don’t always make the best choices. He used a bottle as a weapon and the DA got him for assault and an ACA charge “Armed criminal action”. No what he did was not right. No I don’t agree with his actions. He accepts his mistake and knows he is at fault and in the wrong. The victim suffered cuts to the face and stitches.
Also edit to add. He is taking advantage of classes and treatment while incarcerated. He’s taking anger management courses and substance abuse courses (for alcohol abuse).
15 comments
What’s he in for? That honestly could change whether letting go is a good idea or not.
Hi OP. One thing you should remind yourself is that you do not have to take any action if you need more time to decide what’s best for you. 4 months is a very short amount of time to have suffered a loss like that and you are very much still grieving. I would suggest talking to a therapist and helping you process your thoughts and emotions in the meantime before deciding what you would like to do.
I doubt he has a spotless background. Maybe you should reflect on what you mentioned about you and him. Drinking and bad decisions. Take this as a chance to find yourself and change some things that impact you negatively. Personal growth will make you feel better.
How long have you been together?
I would. My parents were in and out of jail/prison for drug use/abuse/violence. So any of this is a dealbreaker for me.
Getting incarcerated for 4 years is serious and it doesn’t matter if he was drunk or not. Drinking just removes the control you have in place. This here is a huge red flag. What if it had been you on the other end of the bottle?
>But how do you let go of someone you see everything with?
Unfortunately, your post is saying that you actually **don’t** see everything with him. You see a life without him, just with someone else who has yet to make their appearance. Either way you have to make a decision and let him know. But also know that he will never forget you leaving him during this time and this is a road you likely can never go back on should you decide to move on. Also, if his sentence was 4 years, its possible he may be let out much sooner (Up to 50% sooner) than that if he’s on good behavior and has no other infractions while incarcerated. So keep that in mind. I guess you need to figure out if this guy is worth waiting for.
Say you do stay with him and this happens again (or he gets a worse charge), would you be able to go through this again? With likely higher consequences? Yes people make mistakes but will he hold himself accountable after this is said and done? For how long?
The person who goes into jail is not the one that comes out. Sometimes that’s a good thing, often it’s less so. He will have a hard time in there, and once released he will struggle with many things (like employment). It’s unfair but it’s reality.
Start to question why you have forgiven him for scarring someone for life in a violent incident.
You should move on with your life
Can you give a bit more information.
How old is he?
You are 26 now. How old were you when you and he first started being together?
The bar fight happened two years ago. For the last two years was he in jail, or out on bond awaiting trial?
Did he have a prior record?
He’s going to be a completely different person when he gets out. 4 years is a long time to be in prison.
Consider seeing if there are any support groups around your area for people in your situation. I don’t think you necessarily need to break up because he’s in jail, especially if he truly sees the impact of his actions and is trying to see this as an opportunity to improve. However, most people on reddit truly can’t understand what you’re going through either.
4 years is a long time, but also truly no time at all if you see this as the person you want to be with forever. Having supportive friends and family on the outside will probably also improve his chances of success on release. That said, depending on the charges they could follow him for a long time. There is no need to rush into a decision, either.
for most people who get drunk, the mistakes they make don’t include attacking someone with a bottle and causing them to get stitches. some people reform themselves in prison, but most violent offenders don’t get *less* violent after a years long prison stay. if he was charged with a felony, that’s also going to have a huge effect on both of you on a lot of levels. the most obvious one is that his employment options when he gets out will likely be limited and not well paying, so get used to being the breadwinner if he doesnt have nepotism to fall back on.
8 months is definitely, definitely still the honeymoon stage. You hadn’t had time for the reality of being with him to set in. While he’s gone, you’re likely to build up a fantasy of him in your head and attach to that instead of the real person. Imagine yourself at 30, having spent a third of your adult life in love with a fantasy instead of a real person.
The only one who really knows what they want to do is you, deep down.
It’s a long time…. prison is often the start of a lifetime a lot of people try to get out of but can’t escape from, and having that on your record cuts off a lot of options.
Not just that, it’s 4 years. Are you really going to do nothing with your life but wait for him for 4 years?
It’s a lot to process, so give yourself time, but then ask yourself:
When your boyfriend gets out, what kind of life do you see for yourself?
What makes him the one?
What’s going to be different? How?
If he gets in trouble again, will you put your life on hold once more?