Firstly, I love my husband. He’s an amazing life partner, and he’s my best friend. We have been married for 2 years, together for 10. In many ways, we are opposites, and ultimately I do feel like it’s more of a complementary way, where he is the missing piece — the other half who keeps me grounded. But other times, I find it extremely difficult to navigate. This is one of those times.
Our backgrounds are different. I am a child of refugee parents in the US. My extended family is MASSIVE, and we all keep in contact even though we’re located all throughout the country. Family gatherings have always been very important to us due the circumstance of immigrant diaspora. I grew up attending family gatherings at least once a month. In particular, my parents are also well-known in our community and family, which means that I am also somewhat well-known as their daughter. Inherently, I feel a decent amount of pressure to show my face at family events, but big part of me also genuinely enjoys the time I spend with my huge family. I am an extrovert.
My husband grew up in a typical American family, where life was centered around the two parents and the kids. There was a patriarchal element to his family with his grandfather, but he didn’t experience it directly when he was a growing up. My husband is the rebellious type; he is an independent individual who is determined to carve out his own path. I honestly love that about him because I am envious of his tenacity. He is not really close to his extended family outside of the few family members he chooses to maintain relationships with (Key word: chooses). And you guessed it; he is an introvert.
I love attending family events. Random dinner on the weekend? I’m there, free food. However, he made it clear in the beginning of our relationship that he wasn’t really into that. Even though it made me a little sad, I did my best to deal with it. I have explained that I would still like him to attend some things with me, especially if it’s a bigger event like a wedding, since those have a lot of weight to me in terms of importance. For some reason, he absolutely despises weddings in particular. He would rather not go to a wedding but begrudgingly comes with me sometimes, even though he doesn’t like large events. It means a lot to me when he does, as my family is happy to see me happy with my SO. Even though they might not say anything directly, they notice. He is essentially part of the family now since we are married. So you might think that this hesitation is only about big events and weddings, right? No.
He likes hanging out with my parents (for which I am thankful), but when it comes to other extended family in a smaller setting, he’s not interested either. He’s not interested in getting to know them. I get upset because I don’t understand why. He said he’s tired of not having a choice in the matter as it always turns into some big fight whenever “I don’t get what I want.” He says that these extended family members have no personal significance to him so why bother.
I know my family is a lot for someone who isn’t used to the big family culture, but let me clarify that these events that I invite him to only happen a few times a year. Big events like weddings are once a year, family gatherings maybe quarterly (or a little more, just depends on the time of year).
I don’t ask him to attend every little event like those random dinners, but there are certain ones where it would really mean a lot to me if he’s there. However no matter the size of the affair, it just seems like he despises the idea of being around them. I talked to him about it, and he said he doesn’t like the fact that he’s only invited because I feel pressure to show my face and volunteer my time at big family functions, as that feels very controlling and off-putting to him. He doesn’t buy into the elder respect culture of doing things for people just because they’re older. I understand this is a cultural difference, but he’s not upheld to the full extent of standards as me, who grew up in that culture. Not only do I show up, I’m expected to help with the event too, according to my parents. That expectation to help out is not on him, but I do feel pressure for him to at least show his face as my partner at big family events.
I have attended important events alone in the past. Sometimes I’m okay, but I often feel sad when I am asked where my husband is. I make up an excuse. He tells me I should just be honest and tell my family that he doesn’t care to come, but he doesn’t realize that’d essentially mean that I’d be alienating myself from them because my partner doesn’t “care about” my family. It’s rude.
I am trying to be more conscious of this habit of projecting this pressure that I feel onto him. I am trying to be better about being told “no.” I don’t invite him to everything anymore, but I get anxious when I want to ask him to come with me to something. He tried to say if it’s important to me he’ll go, but he’s not going to be happy. I told him I don’t want to force him to do anything, and I want him to feel he has the freedom to choose. But I am only asking because it is important to me. In turn, he thinks that “everything is important to me,” but has no idea of the things I don’t invite him to. However I promised that I’d make it more clear that he has a choice in the matter.
I recently asked him to hang out with some cousins who were visiting from out of town, and he paused for a long time without answering. When I pressed him for a yes or no, he said, “I don’t really have a choice, do I?” My heart sank. It wasn’t the impression I wanted to give off at all… I confirmed with him three times if “yes” was his final answer, told him he is free to decline, but I still received so much attitude and dismay about it as he said yes. I don’t want him to feel forced.
When his family comes into town, if he has a wedding on his side of the family, or even if his friends want to hang out, I am more than willing to go or host them. In fact I am HAPPY to. I just wish this was reciprocated sometimes. I know this is a fundamental personality difference, but is it wrong of me to perceive his negativity/hesitation as selfishness? I am proud of my heritage, but this is causing me to I feel fear and insecurity about sharing it with another who doesn’t understand. Family events aren’t stopping anytime soon…
TL;DR – My husband and I have different cultural backgrounds and he dislikes attending my large family events because he feels forced to do them. How do I invite him without receiving so much negativity in return? How can I meet him in the middle?
19 comments
So I definitely relate! My extended family isn’t as close, but we pre-covid we would do a huge Christmas gathering and other events throughout the year, and things get loud and rowdy. My husband is the exact opposite as an introvert and someone raised in a very quiet family. One on one with others is fine; it’s the big family gatherings that give him anxiety. It took me a long time to get over the fact he dreaded our Christmas events when I looked so forward to them, but now I understand it’s not personal and it’s less about it being my family and more about the anxiety factor and introversion. But he does go with me.
Idk about your husband, but mine hates being pressured into doing something (I think it’s demand avoidance lol), and so even if he’s fine with doing it, the fact that others are pressuring/expecting him to do it makes him hate it. And TBH I understand that feeling, especially when it comes to familial/in-law expectations (it’s not really right). Do you ever go out of expectation when you really don’t want to?
Is there a way for you to maybe alleviate that feeling of being pressured to go? Do you get upset at him or act different if he expresses desire to not want to attend? Make it easier on him; whether that means being understanding when he doesn’t want to attend, setting time limits on how long you guys will stay, taking seperate cars so he can leave when he wants, etc.
And lastly is this purely from a comfort standpoint? Has he had any issues at all with your family members?
Sorry, but I’m with husband here. It sounds like you have a wonderful family who enjoys life with a ZEST! Lots of celebrations and events, dinners, socializing and all around good times.
My opinion: It’s all a bit much. Too much for him because that is not how he was raised. If you “guilt” or pressure him into going, this will end up in resentment. Or worse yet, he goes to the event and he’s so mad that he says something inappropriate to someone. You will never “save face” after that. I’ve seen it happen, especially when alcohol is involved. “Drunk Uncle Charlie just announced what he really thought about the couple getting married.”
To you, these family events are normal. To him, I’m guessing, he feels like he has to be “on” and put on his party face, dress in uncomfortable clothes and make unimportant chit chat with a bunch of strangers he doesn’t know, but more importantly, doesn’t want to know. That’s not right or wrong. It’s how he rolls. Those are his feelings and for him, they’re valid.
You’re going to need to pick a few events that you really want him at and negotiate which ones he is comfortable attending.
I never attend my inlaws gatherings, I don’t enjoy them. My wife is invited to mine but it is optional. Free time is limited, people should have choices.
He’s an introvert. He doesn’t want to go. I’d leave him be. Why do you want him to come when he doesn’t want to? To make you happy?
I relate to you in many ways minus the cultural differences which I do think is a big one. While you say he has a choice, he loves you and wants to live peacefully with you so if saying “no” means disappointment on your end, either choice is a loss for him. Maybe you could discuss which events are easier on him. Does he have a preference to the big events that happen less often or the smaller events that happen more frequently? Is he willing to compromise with choosing one or the other? Are there are certain amount of events per year he feels are doable, and if so how many? On your end of the compromise, you may agree to not ask him to attend things outside of the limits you set together so that he doesn’t have to answer “yes or no” and risk disappointing you.
You need to respect your husband’s needs. It’s not fair to him. He’s a human being not a lap dog. Overtime, this will only cause significant strain to the relationship if you can’t respect his boundaries.
I think you could set up a rule of 1 or 2 events a year you can request his presence.
How frequently do you see your parents and is he always with him?
OP, it sounds like you care more about your families’ reaction than your husband. That is not a good sign, are their other ways that you put your family ahead of him? It sounds like he sees that and is reacting to it.
Here’s the thing. You KNOW he is doesn’t like big family get togethers. You have known this for 10 years. I know you love him, but if family is so important to you and not to him, then why did you continue the relationship?
I am so sorry that his choices hurt you. YOu have to know at this point that he will likely not change and neither will you.
I can relate to your husband. My husband comes from a large, traditional family (we are culturally different), whereas I come from a smaller family. I don’t enjoy my in law’s gatherings for many reasons, mostly because it’s a lot of people, they’re all very nosy, judgemental, controlling, pushy, crossing boundaries all the time, there’s always a formality even though they say there isn’t there clearly is so I feel you can never just relax and chill, and it seems like everyone wants to be the boss and show who’s the bigger boss of that makes sense, and they want their way all the time and they don’t care if it’s getting late they’ll Jam Pack the night.
My side of the family, we are more quiet, to ourselves, we do celebrations and gatherings but we aren’t all “in your face”, loud, overbearing lol.
When we visit my husband’s side of the family (I’ve suggested before to DH that if he wants to go for visits he most definitely can by himself, he doesn’t need me there, but he refuses this idea, if he goes I need to go and vice versa) I always need mini breaks If that makes sense, like I need a room to retreat and just be by myself or with my baby and collect my thoughts lol and have a little nap, because seriously they are a lot and I hate it big time when my husband forces me or pushes his family on me. I just don’t respond well to those types of people, and for me, not only am I not used to it, it’s rude. Even when my in laws visit us (they live overseas so when they do come for visits it’s usually a few months- probably a big reason why I am over them) I need breaks from them, where I have to be out of the house, or I need them out of the house for a bit.
I think there needs to be mutual understanding and some mutual respect. I feel you need to talk with your husband and figure out something that you both agree on and come to some sort of understanding. He could very well be exhausted from the gatherings, it could be a language barrier (for me, it’s a huge language barrier, and often times I find I shut down because I don’t understand what anyone is saying), it could be that he’s not used to these types of gatherings, he could be one of those people where it physically drains him of all his energy to be around a lot of people.
this guy is wrong for you – this can’t work. you need this family connection to be happy.
Oh boy. Wow did this post speak to me. It strikes so close to home that I cannot rule out the possibility that you are my wife posting this beautiful yet tragic story.
We have such a similar dynamic as you and your husband. I will do my best to express my point of view on this and you can see how much of it resonates. I can only speak to my experience and yours may be different. But from what you posted I would bet that he feels similar to what I’ll reply with.
On the basic level I can say one of the issues is the sheer number of gatherings and events that can be frustrating. It’s a lot. If your husband is like most of us, M-F is a grind. With work, traffic, kids, chores and errands. Free time is a valuable commodity and while I understand wanting to go to these events, I don’t want to spend a large portion of my free time doing so. Not to mention that on occasion, going to these gatherings means I am unable to attend other events I would rather attend, like one of my friends birthdays or something. There have been times when I missed doing something with a friend of mine I haven’t seen in a while because we have to attend a family event that was on the calendar months ago. Even though we JUST saw the same people the week prior.
On a deeper level, I would guess that your husband feels incredibly restricted by your family. When he says “do I even have a choice” in reference to going to an event, that is probably coming from a deeper level where he feels like he doesn’t have a choice in a lot of things… not just going or not going to this event.
You admit that there is pressure, or a sense of obligation to go. But I can’t imagine those feelings of obligation stop at attending a gathering. They most likely are present in a lot of aspects of your life. Maybe you see that. Maybe you don’t. But your husband probably does. I’m not saying his perspective is correct. Nor is yours. But I think it’s something to be curious about.
He may also feel like you are elevating your family on a pedestal that he can never be on. By constantly making it a “him vs them” battle and seemingly taking their side, to him it may feel like you’re making them the priority.
Lastly, it may be incredibly frustrating for your husband to watch you “go along” with it. Again this goes back to the obligation and pressure. I see this with my wife all the time. Sometimes I want to shake her and scream “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT OR IS THIS WHAT IS EXPECTED”. I see her do things all the time she doesn’t really want to do and it makes me sad and angry. I want what’s best for her and I sometimes see her doing what’s best for her parents.
I am in 100% agreement with your husband on the “chosen family” thing as well as the respect for elders thing.
There are some members of my wife’s family I enjoy very much. Her parents. Her sister. One of her cousins. There are others I would be fine with never seeing again. I don’t hate them but they aren’t people I would ever try to have a relationship with. Some have very conservative views on gender, marriage, and sexuality. Others are just super flashy, judgmental, and superficial. Life is too short to make room for people like this. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be rude to them. It just means I’m not going to spend the time getting to know them more. I have the same type of people in my family. It’s ok to not have a deep relationship with them.
I hope this helps!
My husband and I both are in agreement if 1 doesn’t want to go they absolutely shouldn’t. We end up mostly going to things separate and that works for us. I don’t care to act like I had any sort of history with his cousins, I don’t expect him to enjoy baking with my aunt or going through our old family photos. We have separate histories and it’s okay to do things separately. I would love personally if he wanted to see his cousins and I had the night to myself.
I feel for you. Going through the same thing as you. Wishing you well. You’re not wrong in your feelings. A couple should be able to enjoy both sides of the family and do things/make compromises for one another happily. Life is long …
What about building new family traditions in a way that works for both you and your hubby and not only adhering to your family’s heritage/ strong traditions…?
I am going through a similar thing, my hubby’s family is traditional, outspoken and has a lot of rules, lots of people, they can become overwhelming sometimes… and it makes me feel powerless or like a kid again following the elders traditions all the time…
I’ve taked to my hubby about this and we are trying to build our own traditions, that are a mix of the elements we like about both our cultures… it makes me feel seen and valued…
I’m sorry. It seems like you and your husband have different views and priorities around family. It would be very sad to have your husband act this way, he’s probably always going to think he’s in the right about this too. He is acting selfishly, going begrudgingly is especially childish behaviour; and not wanting to know your family is… shitty tbh. I’m not saying he should be going to every event, but his attitude is all wrong.
To me it largely depends on how often are these gatherings and do they require travel. Once a month in town where you only have to stay for a few hours. He should attend them. Every month with travel and it’s a multi-day event. He should feel free to skip. Every week in town for a few hours. Clearly too much for him and scale it back. There is room for compromise and a need to speak openly to each other.
He married you, not your entire family. It sounds like he’s already making an effort for someone introverted like him. He hangs out with your parents, it seems a bit much to want him to get close to and hang out with all your extended family. It’s mentally exhausting for us introverts. It’s likely not that he doesn’t care about your extended family, it’s that there is only so much social energy that can be used.
By your own admission you have many more family events than your husband. I don’t think that you should make him feel he has to attend every event. This is your family and your culture. He will resent you. He gets along with your parents. Surely you are pushing it by expecting him to hang out with your cousins.