TL;DR been in a relationship for 3 years, past year has been hard for both of us because it was the last year of uni and our personal lives were hectic. Broke up but she still wants to be friends.
I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years now, I met this girl at school when I was 17 and we were friends for 2 years before starting a relationship. It’s been the happiest three years for both of us but at the same time it’s had a lot of problems. She has family problems involving her parents and she has to take care of two younger siblings most of the time. We’re both finishing university this month and the past 10 months have been pretty low with university being mentally draining and we’ve both had things happen to us that have been emotionally draining. We’ve always been there for eachother but it got to the point that we only had eachother and nobody else around is because we both pushed people away. We took a break 5 days ago to focus for our exams this week and today we had a very long conversation about our relationship because the communication wasn’t great for a while. Eventually we settled on ending the relationship because we both need to focus on our own mental health before thinking about a relationship. She asked if we could continue to be friends but I know we still have strong feelings for eachother so I suggested we spend the next few days thinking about what we would actually gain from a friendship and why we need it because I know we are both also afraid to lose eachother as I’m the only person who’s told her about personal issues and vice versa. I have a few friends who I asked for advice and they said I should just completely end the relationship of a friendship however they don’t know what life’s like for her and I don’t want to hurt her considering I know what happens at home with her family. I honestly don’t know what to do right now and all the mixed emotions are triggering panic attacks which I haven’t had in years. Can anyone help give some advice or recommendations on what I can do?
3 comments
>Eventually we settled on ending the relationship because we both need to focus on our own mental health before thinking about a relationship.
I honestly dont understand why people do this.
If you are with a person you really like, and you support each other…then why wouldnt you be together? Mental health just seems like a convenient excuse to separate.
> She asked if we could continue to be friends but I know we still have strong feelings for eachother so I suggested we spend the next few days thinking about what we would actually gain from a friendship and why we need it because I know we are both also afraid to lose eachother as I’m the only person who’s told her about personal issues and vice versa.
Right…so why deny those feelings and attempt to pretend to be friends? You know what I mean?
If you need to break up, you should probably just break up. Anything in between is going to be extra painful, and confusing. The worst combo. But I get it, everybody wants to hold on and have hope…but a lot of the time it ends up being way worse.
>I have a few friends who I asked for advice and they said I should just completely end the relationship of a friendship however they don’t know what life’s like for her and I don’t want to hurt her considering I know what happens at home with her family. I honestly don’t know what to do right now and all the mixed emotions are triggering panic attacks which I haven’t had in years.
Your friends are probably right.
Ultimately, you are not responsible for issues in her life. You cant control what happens with her family. Also if you were that important to her, you would still be together in my opinion. But since you arent, it tells me that maybe the relationship wasnt that great. I know its harsh, but this is something you have to consider unfortunately.
I know you still love her, a lot. And I imagine you didnt really want to break up or take a break, but you didnt want to lose her so you thought this was the next best thing. I totally get it, I was in that position when I was around your age…and we never actually got back together. In fact, she fell for somebody else during this “break” we were having lol
You can either stay together and help support each other through getting the help you both need as it seems you both still have a strong love between you,
Or you can cut each other off completely for at least a year and then see if a friendship can be developed after you’ve both had time to process and move on from the breakup.
Cut contact and hit the gym. It feels impossible at the start but a month from now you’ll realize your better off for it.