Why does it seem taboo to expect genuine interaction? Usually i’d just say i hate small talk but I dont hate small talk. I hate small talk thats not genuine. “Hows your day”, “are you enjoying the weather”, “how about those (insert sports team here)?” are all just fine. Small talk can be great…if you actually want answers to the questions you are asking. If you small talk me with ulterior motives I will make it a point to not give you whatever you came for. I have very little tolerance for people who arent direct and transparent. You dont have to ask how i am. You dont have to say “good morning! Are you having a good day?”…these tiny social niceties are annoying and on top of it if i dont engage in them im seen as rude. Im just fine with being unpleasant if it means i dont have to fake my way thru the first 30+ mins of every conversation i have for the rest of my life. When i say “good morning. I hope your day is going well so far. How r u?” I sincerely mean it and wouldnt say it otherwise. I’ll be a stick in the damn mud if it means im not “ice breaking” my way thru conversations getting information i didnt want and giving information no one wants.
This whole “hey, how r u?” “Im good” auto response bullshit is annoying and it doesnt actually lead to a good convo so why is it necessary??? Is “hey, i came to ….” so much worse of an approach? Just say what u came for and go on about ur life. If a simple “hi” isnt enough before i move to why i decided to speak to u in the first place then i guess im gonna just be rude then. If i want to know how u are i will ask. Dont ask me unless u want to know how im doing. Why is this so outlandish to people?
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It’s especially peevesome if you’re waiting for them to go through the motions and actually ask you for what they came for, but they won’t finish the script until you say your lines.
Understand that the PURPOSE of small talk (other than the ‘brief greeting’ kind in passing) is to get you on the road to FINDING something to CONNECT on.
If you know that, then your approach to small talk will be much more effective.
I used to think the same way as you. I used to hate how scripted interactions felt sometimes. Things like happy birthday, goodbye and even thank you. It felt pointless so I refused to do it. But I started realising just how rude it was when people did it back. Like a simple happy birthday text. Makes you feel left out in some way.
But I think everyone knows it’s an act. Asking someone “how’s your day” is the safest way to “test” a person. If they respond happy you know they want to talk. If they respond uninterested they probably want to be left alone. When I’m in a talkative mood, I don’t just start talking to people randomly. I start with one of the “scripted” options, can’t go wrong with those. Then continue once I see how they respond.
What exactly do you mean by “genuine” conversation?
I get what you’re saying and I sometimes feel the same way, and I used to really agree with what you’re saying. But as time goes on and as you interact with more people, especially strangers…these pleasantries are a way of measuring the other person’s mood and willingness to engage/chat. Or you can simply think of it as a greeting.
When people ask me how I’m doing, sometimes I just ask them the same thing. Even though it’s a question, I use it as a way to say hi. That’s if they ask me first. I don’t always feel like saying “I’m good how are you?” So I just respond with “hey how are you”
Also, some people might not want to have a genuine interaction, but they want to be polite, neutral, respectful, etc.
Use small talk as a gauge
I can relate to your concerns. However the replies are excellent n I’d like to add this; we live in a very large, fractured society where people move on the average every 5 years or so, many of the “old fashioned” courtesies are gone n you’re unusual if you know your neighbor. So this small talk is about all that’s left of sounding out others and possibly making a connection. Otherwise what is left?