Hi everyone, looking for advice. What’s the minimum amount of time a guy should take to be exclusive with you? And what’s the maximum? I’m worried I might have expected exclusivity too soon and messed things up.
I broke it off with a guy because he wouldn’t be exclusive with me after 5 weeks of dating and acting like my BF, texting me daily and seeing each other once or sometimes twice a week (sleepovers, 8+ hour long dates), but also not making me feel like much of a priority between work and friends – I always got the leftovers. It wasn’t escalating over time.
The precipitating event was that he blew me off one evening because of last minute work drinks and I was disappointed that he ditched our plans when we hadn’t seen each other for a week and didn’t really apologize or ask when else I was free. He said “this feels like a relationship lecture”, and I wondered what this was, if not a relationship, because he was acting like a BF in every other way.
He said he needed more time to get to know each other because he’d previously jumped into relationships too quickly and got really hurt as a result, and I said he should have enough data on me upon which to make a decision at that point.
Then he asked me to reconsider continuing to see him still WITHOUT being exclusive a week later, and I said I’d had a first date with someone I like so was fine to date him and this other guy if he needed more time, but he said that he had only been dating me and didn’t want to be in competition with one other guy that I liked 🤷♀️. Not sure what would have happened if I had just said I wanted to date generally without referring to one guy in particular.
He said he would message me when he was in a better place to escalate to a relationship, but he never did, and 3 months later now he’s been seeing someone else for a few weeks and wants nothing to do with me 😞. Made his dating profiles private and everything, so I imagine that’s what he did with me too at the time 🥲.
Did I mess this up? I feel like I did. I assume I can’t do anything now because he’s focused on someone else. So much regret it’s eating me up 😞. He was great.
45 comments
I think that you can’t really “mess up” something like this. if what you wanted and what he wanted were not in sync, then it’s a good thing (not a mistake) that you discovered that. (but I have to say: he didn’t want exclusivity, but he didn’t want you to date anybody else? that seems weird and inconsistent to me!)
I don’t think there’s a set minimum and maximum. Each person is different and it depends on the couple’s chemistry, whether they’re looking for commitment, interested in dating multiple people until they find “the one”, etc. It also depends on how often you’re seeing each other in those weeks. Seeing each other once a week? 5 weeks may be too soon. Seeing each other 2-3 times a week? 5 weeks sounds like a good amount of time to decide on exclusivity. I asked someone to be exclusive with me after just 3 weeks because it just felt so right for me. I hadn’t felt that way with anyone. He declined but said he wanted to continue dating. Welp, it was a pretty quick fade. I think he just wanted to get back into the dating world and I felt a spark more than he did.
Sounds like he just wasn’t that into you
If he was only dating you, but didn’t want to make things exclusive, but also doesn’t want you to see anyone, but also doesn’t want to have any ‘relationship’ talks…
It sounds like he has his own baggage, you probably shouldn’t put too much thought into it. If I’m seeing someone multiple times a week and they’re staying over, I’d be at the point of expecting the relationship to move forward too.
He wanted you to be exclusive but not for him to have to be. I think you dodged a bullet.
This guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. If he was really interested in you (or anyone really), he’d move mountains to be with you and exclusive.
When I was younger and less mature about what I wanted I made the “im scared to get hurt” excuse to keep a girl close enough to fulfill my needs but not too close that I can’t also have fun on the side.
It doesn’t sound like he’s going to be a great match for you.
A question you should ask yourself about things you want/need in a relationship: is this something you deserve?
If the answer is yes, then expect it. And if they can’t offer it, would you want the relationship without it anyway?
So at the end of the day, you didn’t mess things up, no – because you weren’t aligned.
5 weeks is plenty early, in my experience, to expect the other person to communicate and live up to certain expectations. Anyone who would say “feels like a relationship lecture” about your (very reasonable) expectation here is deflecting and trying to avoid giving you what you want while simultaneously making it “your fault.”
Fuck everything about that, IMO.
Every relationship and every person is different and wants different things. I think you handled this exactly the right way: you were clear about what you wanted and continued to live your life when he wasn’t ready to give you exclusivity. It sounds like you were up front and honest about your needs. It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks 5 weeks is too early, you’re allowed to want what you want.
Congratulations, you successfully got rid of someone who was not interested in having a real relationship with you.
The only thing you need to work on is the relationship you have with yourself, because I think if it were better, you wouldn’t try so hard to get someone (who doesn’t make you a priority, gives you leftovers and hurts you in the process) to like you back and stay with you, despite all the signs that this didn’t feel as mutual as you wanted it to be.
I think if you had a better relationship with yourself, you would have assessed and judged this guy’s behavior accordingly and actually be the one to ditch him, instead of being sad about losing someone who couldn’t give you what you needed or wanted anyway.
If there’s mind games or uncertainty, then it ain’t right
It baffles me when people say “he wasn’t making me a priority” “he didn’t want exclusivity” but then in the same post say “did I mess this up?” “He was great!”
Girls, we really need to band together and stop fawning over and crying about dudes who didn’t give us the time of day from the start. Find someone who is sure about you and doesn’t make you second guess yourself. You didn’t mess anything up, he’s just not the right guy for you. What’s meant for you will be for you.
After a month of seeing each other and ten dates my now bf asked if I was seeing anyone else and I said no, then I asked him and he said no, then I asked if he wanted to keep it that way and he said yes. We’ve been together over a year now.
I don’t think you messed anything up. If someone is excited about you and ready for a relationship, they will jump at the opportunity to be with you. If they aren’t excited about you or aren’t ready for a relationship, then you don’t want to be with them anyways.
Five weeks is not too soon. He just wasn’t interested and now he found someone who he really likes. You’ll find someone too. Onto the next.
>He was great.
Doesn’t sound like he was to me. He expected you to take poor treatment and then when you advocated for yourself called it a “relationship lecture”. This tells me that even in relationships he treats people poorly and when they complain he rolls his eyes thinking he is being “lectured”. Actually just that comment alone makes me feel this guy is a total jerk. You can have a completely casual relationship and still respect other people’s time and plans, which apparently he struggles with even when committed. Absolutely nothing of value lost here, always stand your ground and reinforce your boundaries, otherwise you would have ended up being treated poorly on a regular. You did the right thing.
>What’s the minimum amount of time a guy should take to be exclusive with you?
When you realize that you want to be exclusive.
>And what’s the maximum?
Soon after you realize you want to be exclusive.
There are people who become exclusive on the first date and those who wait a few months. It entirely depends on what you’re comfortable with.
In this case, it actually has nothing to do with asking for exclusivity too soon. It sounds like you want someone who puts in consistent effort and prioritizes you, and he wasn’t giving you that. You don’t have to put up with brewing blown off at the last minute, exclusivity or not.
You didn’t mess things up; you just found out you weren’t compatible.
You decide what is acceptable for you. This wasn’t. Don’t doubt yourself. ❤️🔥
I think everyone has their own rules for what works best for them, but for me personally, I won’t be intimate without exclusivity. So whether that exclusivity happens at 5 weeks or 3 months, as long as intimacy isn’t expected that’s fine.
For your situation specifically, it sounds like hr didn’t want to be exclusive with you but he also didn’t want you to date someone else? Yeah, no. That’s not how that works. Probably dodged a bullet with his inability to commit while expecting commitment.
How did you mess up? If he wanted to be your exclusively with you, he would’ve been. End of story. You did the right thing. Never settle or compromise for anything less than what you want. And no, he wasn’t great for you.
No you didn’t mess up. You exposed that he wasn’t right for you. Also stop following him on social media/OLD. It’s over with him so don’t let him live rent free in your head.
Nah I think this is good boundary setting. Good work!
You were one of many. He liked your company but didn’t want to be with you.
This wishy washy position is a clear indication of how he feels about you. His actions show that he liked you and your physical relationship, but he wasn’t into you enough to make you a priority and to commit to you. It’s painful experience to be rejected like that. It can eat at your self esteem, if you let it. But I can assure you that it has nothing to do with who you are or whether you are lovable. It’s just a lack of compatibility at some level or some issue he is carrying around with him. The silver lining is that at least you didn’t waste more time on him because it would only lead to more heartbreak for you. But having said that, I’m sorry that you had to go through this. It’s a painful and a hard experience. Your feelings are valid.
So he does not want to be exclusive but he does not want you dating anyone else. He does not want to make you a priority nor does not want have to stick to plans you make, however, he also he doesn’t want to hear about your feelings after he stood you up. What is there about this situation that was appealing to you? He got to play boyfriend on his terms without much consideration for you and your feelings. You didn’t mess anything up by having standards.
no, if he saw you as a long-term partner and is in the right phase of his life to pursue that it would of been a slam dunk yes. For the posters below, its not a guy specific issue, some times the person you are dating just want some fun and move on.
By sleepover I assume the obvious. How are people not exclusive once they start to “sleepover”?
You just wanted different things. I don’t think Asking for exclusivity at 5 weeks or on the 1st date is messing up, just find someone who wants the same thing.
I am exclusive on date # 1. I don’t have the $$ nor the energy nor the attention span to entertain more than 1 woman at a time.
I just listened to a podcast episode about something similar yesterday.
The episode is called [“communication in early dating”](https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/womens-dating-and-confidence-podcast/id1416434725?i=1000611479332) from the ‘Women’s Dating and Confidence’ podcast. I highly recommend giving it a listen.
It mentions that a lot of us have been conditioned to feel like we’re being “too needy” when we’re asking for what should be very normal things in a relationship. Him saying it felt like a lecture and not even acknowledging your very valid feelings about what happened is a major indicator of how he’d treat you going forward.
As others have said you didn’t mess up getting rid of this guy.
Sounds like the right call was made all around. You wanted exclusivity, a formal definition, for him to act like a boyfriend. He wanted… someone else, and you on standby.
You got out from him, found someone else, like the new guy. He found someone else, seems to like them, and is focused on that person.
Nothing more, nothing less. No “mistakes” made. Dating isn’t a right-or-wrong game, it’s finding someone you’re compatible with and recognizing when it comes out you’re not.
Considering you saw each other so often, I think it was normal to ask for exclusivity.
I am sorry but I think he was just not that into you. Keep dating, I am sure you find a way better guy
I think it’s a little problematic to ask for exclusivity bc you’re upset with how someone is treating you (not prioritizing you) – it’s backwards and not addressing the actual problem. Words are just words. If he says X but treats you like Y, believe Y.
No boyfriend, no boyfriend privileges. That’s my rule
My two cents:
– You can’t mess up a “real” thing.
– Your second sentence says it all. Move on, he sounds like he wouldn’t meet most of your needs.
– Also, don’t give them more than what they are providing you.
Good luck!
Idk why would you be interested in someone that is not interested in you. For me that’s a turn off. When a guy treats me like “leftovers” and is not excited to meet up I lose interest. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship you should surrender to the pace it’s taking and really be in touch with how you’re feeling. I’ve became very attention-seeking in the past and came to the conclusion that it’s a dead end, in the end the guys weren’t what I was looking for. I like passion, enthusiasm and connection, if someone doesn’t have that to begin with, they’re not what I’m looking for. Would you want to have a boyfriend that is crazy about you? If you do so, give them time to develop that for you, to get to know you with curiosity
Ok, I’m really not getting it.
The guy wanted you two to date each other and no one else on both sides – that’s exclusivity right there.
Making you a priority =/= being exclusive. A dying grandma should have priority even if you two were married, and one can still date multiple people but prioritize one of them. But I admit, I’d be salty too if I was cancelled for after-work drinks. At least he could’ve invited you along.
Was that he didn’t want to use the word ‘exclusive’? That’s when you ask: what does it mean to you being exclusive? What is the difference between this and that?
Anyway, figure out what the real issue is, and move on from this particular guy. This ship has sailed.
I asked at 3-4 weeks and got a yes. It depend on compatibility and level of interest.
Also “this feels like a relationship lecture” boy bye.
ETA doesn’t want to be exclusive but takes issue with you dating someone else while dating him nonexclusively? Boy bye x 1,000
Just an FYI from probability whoever he is dating he is most likely having the same behavior and they are either tolerant or haven’t had enough yet since it’s only been a few weeks.
Don’t worry yourself about that. He hasn’t changed. You made the right call. Include being attracted to effort and being respected into what you’re looking for. Doesn’t matter how “cool” “fun” or “charming” they are if they are disrespectful.
Canceling last minute to do something else is disrespectful behavior. Literally from anyone who’d want to be in my life (friend, family, relationship) I wouldn’t tolerate that behavior and first time I’d def discuss / set a boundary. Continual behavior would be out.
5 weeks isn’t too soon, you can be exclusive without jumping into a relationship too. It’s possible to take it slow and only be seeing eachother.
I don’t think you messed up. You had expectations and needs that weren’t being met, you expressed them. When you abided by his non exclusivity he distanced himself.
Now if you were using your other date as a leverage piece to show your value to the guy you liked then yeah that’s kind of manipulative. If you were genuinely looking for a connection with guy 2 then I think you’re fine.
Btw he doesn’t sound great from how you described his responses and dropping you for playing by his rules. Just my two cents.
I think you’re best moving on and trying to find a partner you’re more aligned with
I think it’s such bullshit to do relationship things with someone and then one person participating in these ‘relationship’ things gets all defensive and goes “whoa, idk what I did to make you think were in a relationship.” Excuse me? Shit or get off the pot. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too and you made it clear you wanted more than just acting like you’re in a relationship.
Nope. Hes probably not into you, or you arent compatible.
Ew you don’t want that sis. Been there did that dance for a year now with someone. They said a lot of the same things too. His name start with a C by chance? LOL.
Move on, you deserve better.
You messed up doing everything he wants at the expense of your own desires and feelings. You messed up nothing for yourself. You only messed up his selfish routine.
I would say well done.
He didn’t want to define the relationship, but wanted to act like it is a relationship, but didn’t want exclusivity yet wanted you to be exclusive with him?
Let him sort that out with his next ‘not really girlfriend’. You did it right.
This whole thing I’m like what? Dude you dodged a bullet. He clearly wasn’t into you as much as you were into him. 5 weeks isn’t a crazy ask to be exclusive, but his response was also ok. It didn’t work out because it was never going to work out. He wanted you not to date someone but also not be exclusive. You deserve someone who just wants you. There’s nothing to regret here, don’t let it eat you up. You made the right choice and things worked out that way for a reason. You will find your person!
No guy needs more than 5 weeks of sleepovers to make up his mind. If he has concrete questions he can articulate, then maybe. But he was Just Not Convinced. Find a guy who’s smitten.
I simply mentioned to a guy I’d been hanging out with for 2 months that I was interested in spending more time together. He took it to mean I wanted to be in a relationship, got spooked and disappeared. While I’m glad he showed his true colors by essentially ghosting me, I hate that he gets to walk around knowing I want(ed) him. I wish I could take that power back, and imagine this is part of what you’re feeling.
Ultimately, it sounds like you were excited about this guy and he wasn’t as equally excited about you. Happens to the best of us. Ask yourself if you really want to be spending time with someone who doesn’t think you’re the crème de la crème. The answer is always no.