How do you deal with being “emotionally unavailable ” and how do you like your communication from women in that case?

20 comments

  1. Therapy.

    Emotional unavailability takes some serious work to get through and a long time and a lot of self-examination… It’s a lot easier to do it if you have somebody who can kind of show you the path.

    If you can’t afford it, I’d start looking at just talking to yourself and getting to know yourself. The first step to loving others is not only understanding yourself but being okay with who you are and showing other people that. As long as you don’t like yourself or don’t like who you are, to some degree, you’re always going to try to keep people from getting close to keep them away from something you see a shameful

  2. I’ve never been emotionally unavailable and would not date anyone who is to be honest.

  3. Maybe I’m not understanding the definition of emotional availability, but why is it always considered a bad thing?

    If someone is career focused and has no desire in dating or falling in love, why would it be a problem for him to be emotionally unavailable?

    Are we talking about emotional availability specifically as it pertains to trauma?

  4. I have been accused of being “emotionally unavailable” because I have some past psychological abuse where being open about my feelings was used against me. After that relationship, I had a couple experiences where someone I was dating would be mad or insulting towards me because I refused to open up or didn’t care – which only made me close up more.

    At first when my current gf and I started dating there were a couple moments where she was a little defensive (because of her own securities) because I didn’t talk about emotional stuff and didn’t ask her questions because I didn’t want them turned back on me, and it made her feel that I wasn’t interested in her… but instead of being upset, she asked “is there something I can do different?” I told her about some of my past challenges and she told me it was helpful to know – she started saying things like “I would like to know about X if you feel open to share” and then when I did share she was supportive and positive. It took a few months for me to open up but I’m glad I did. I’m still very private when I’m talking to anyone other than her and, apparently, a bunch of random strangers on reddit, but as for communication with one person at a time, it just took a combination of trust, patience, and her repeatedly inviting me to open up without being confrontational.

  5. I have limited, but not entirely absent, emotional availability. That doesn’t mean I’m not available in a general sense, I will still make time for people I care about, but there’s just *so many things* that people care about that I just can’t empathize with.

    If someone needs serious emotional support on an ongoing basis, I’d suggest they look into a professional therapist. I am not a resource for that kind of thing. I can *listen* but more often than not I can’t actually care. I don’t feel lots of common things, like jealousy, guilt, self-preservation, shame, pride, commiseration, etc. I know my brain’s a little bit fucked up; so I just try to operate in a way that is upfront, honest, and within my ability. If someone needs more depth and investment than what I bring to the table I don’t blame them, but so long as we can talk about it we’ll probably work something out.

  6. My solution is to not be in a relationship, now it hasn’t been an issue since

  7. She doesn’t want emotional availability she wants attention. You give them attention and the complaining about you being emotionally unavailable stops. If she is to**o** needy, break if off and find a new one. Easy.

  8. I’m not emotionally unavailable, I just do show emotions in front of a woman. I cry alone in the shower as God intended.

  10. In my experience, I’m not emotionally unavailable (and I imagine a decent portion of men aren’t as well) but I do struggle to share my emotions with certain types of people. Take from that what you will.

  11. Just because I’m not wailing or crying rivers of tears doesn’t necessarily mean I’m emotionally detached! Someone needs to maintain composure under duress without seeming unempathetic!

  12. Odd, I used to be somewhat emotionally available, but her inability to communicate honestly, rationally or respectfully made me change. This should be an answer of sorts.

  16. Any woman who accuses me of being emotionally unavailable comes across as manipulative. My family and friends know how emotionally available I am because those relationships are very safe and secure. I’m not very emotionally *expressive*, but that’s not something wrong with me that needs fixing.

    So many women think that men who don’t express emotions like they do are emotionally unavailable. We experience emotions differently, and our way of expressing them isn’t wrong. Men are not defective women.

    Also, maybe the woman hasn’t done the work to be a safe person to talk to. It’s always “why is he unavailable,” and never “why will he open up with others but not me?”

  17. I don’t, unhealthy to say it, but literally just throw myself into work, say the usual,”I’m good”. Keep myself busy so no one suspects anything.
    I know it’s more being open nowadays, but for me not saying the option for all. Being Vulnerable to people, is like bleeding next to shark. That’s my view, that’s all.

  19. You can be emotionally available to a woman without having to be emotionally vulnerable yourself. I can empathize in a way without sharing absolutely nothing on me, like they really care in the first place so they never ask how I feel about it.

  20. You know how women often don’t want their problem fixed? It’s a common complaint because that is their experience.

    Well for men, anytime we open up about frustrations, the canned response we get is for the other person to find a way to rationalize it as if everything was our fault…. And then tell us what we should have done…. Not even as a neutral party…. But actually telling us that we should have done things differently. Women get hyper empathy…. Men get hyper agency.

    So when we are quiet… We are just not wanting to hear that script right now…. We aren’t in the mood.

    So imagine someone expecting that from you and go out of your way to give the opposite impression…. Including 100% acceptance of him not wanting to talk about it…. Because if you are trying to give the impression that you won’t treat him like that… The worst thing you can do is reinforce this belief by telling him that he should be opening up instead.

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