Hello!
I should start off by saying that my wife and I are happy, our lives are good, marriage is good, kid is doing great. I’m asking out of a personal desire to make sure I’m doing the best I can for my wife…and my job.
From the get-go, we always knew that we wanted to have my wife leave her job when we had our first child, so we saved, saved, and saved some more, and thankfully, we are in a position where we can live on my income. However, I still struggle to feel like I’m doing “enough” for her to help share the load.
I suppose I’ve heard enough horror stories of women who feel that they’re going crazy because they don’t have adult interaction throughout the day. I try to be hyper-aware of how she’s doing, and my job affords me a lot of flexibility, so I’m able to check in and be home some during the day, but usually at the expense of work (because the whole goal is to “take over” for a bit.) While flexibility is good, I feel that I’m probably short-changing my job some in order to make sure I’ve covered my butt in terms of being a supportive and helpful spouse. If I’m supposed to work 8 hours a day, I maybe end up working 6. (My job is more of a “do the things you need to do” and less of a “work 8 hours a day” sort of job, but I want to make sure I’m giving it my all.)
So, without going into all the rabbit trails in my own head, I just want to hear some of other people’s experiences. If you’re a parent who stayed at home with your kids, what has been most helpful from your spouse?
If you’re married to someone who stayed/stays at home with the kids, do you battle feeling guilty that you’re not pitching in more? Is it enough for you to know that you’re “breadwinning” and that assuages the feeling that you should be home more?
​
Any/all experiences helpful. Thanks!
7 comments
Not a SAHM, but I’ve read plenty of posts about SAHPs that have regrets over giving up goals and dreams. I think it’s important to talk about those and help your spouse reach them.
There’s also the isolation and monotony. Giving them time to be independent, have adult conversations and activities without kids is important.
As far as household stuff, I’d say strike a balance and take over a bit when you get home. Share in evening routines. Cook or clean dishes together, or maybe bring home dinner. A list of chores that you can visibly see what needs to be done so you’re not asking her is nice.
Setting up a babysitter on a set schedule so you guys have alone time is good too. The less she has to plan, coordinate and arrange is best.
With your relatively easy hours, I would definitely not try and cut your work short to help more. That’s just going to burn you out in the long run and isn’t great for your career, obvi. Do your best for/at work, but then just focus on making sure you’re really present during the times you’re not working. What most stay-at-home moms really need is a true break from the constant childcare. So make sure to take over and let her leave, have a peaceful shower, whatever it is she’s lacking. Doesn’t even need to be all that long. Just don’t stand around trying to be helpful but still rely on her to do all the kid stuff because she’s more familiar with it. (Not assuming you do, but this happens.) But the best thing is to ask her what she needs though, of course. It’s likely to change from day to day, month to month, year to year.
It’s not that hard to “ease the burden” once you get home.
Figure out how to spend your time to be useful. If the dishwasher needs emptying, empty it. If the kids need help/fun… provide it.
What do you do when you get home?
My wife is a stay at home mom though it was completely her choice to do so. I don’t feel guilty about not being at home while working. I normally wake up with the kids in the morning and help out with dinner / cleaning / taking the kids out when I get home every evening. Try to be involved and helping out during the hours you are home.
Though you didn’t specify assuming that you still have a very young child based on what you wrote. In regards to having adult interaction it’s important that both you and your spouse keep a semblance of a life outside of your baby. This will help with her keeping her sanity and getting adult interaction. My wife spent too much time with the baby and didn’t go out or make any hobbies after our child was born and it definitely hurt her mental state. Make sure you each take turns leaving the house when needed.
I remember I’d come home and my wife was longing to have a discussion with an adult–me–after a day filled with the constant drama that kids inject. So call or text during the day because your spouse matters.
Chores: The way I looked at it, she had a full-time job same as me. She was and is a workhorse and the tough part about cleaning with kids is that they’ll mess up what you just straightened. So when I got home, I dove in and we’d divide and conquer whatever remained to be done. She’s a fantastic cook so I always cleaned up the kitchen until the kids were old enough for them to do it under my supervision. (Nowadays I work from home while she goes in so I’m the cook and she cleans up whatever I haven’t already in the kitchen).
As a former stay at home mom for many years I would say stay at work for your eight hours because that is the income you need but when you get home, be present, talk to your wife about her day about the kids and jump in and help. I loved when my husband came home at the end of the day to have someone to talk to but also my husband would come home some days and tell me to relax, go shower, get my nails done or whatever so I had a nice little break, it made being a stay at home mom enjoyable.
My husband and I have a great ebb and flow when he gets home from work. I almost always have dinner ready when he gets home and out of the shower. If I don’t, he is never bothered or questions why there isn’t dinner and knows I likely don’t feel great, am tired or just had a long day. We team up the evening chores (cleaning up after dinner, cleaning up toys, bed/bath for our son). He makes sure anything his son (my stepson who is 10) needs for school is taken care of or anything else like that. This gives us a nice relaxing evening together for a few hours after kids go to bed and neither one is running around finishing the chores.
He gets up with our son on Sundays if I want to sleep in a bit. He doesn’t gripe about things left undone. I don’t like to live in a constant mess so it isn’t an issue; however, if he did have an issue or would like something done, I don’t mind him asking me.
You are very kind to ask. I hope your wife appreciates you working for your family and her having the privilege of staying home since that was your preference you both decided. I couldn’t be more grateful to my husband!! Being home with my 1.5yo is priceless. ❤️