Is it ever the same or are we both wasting our time trying to rebuild something new? Will she always imagine being with the other guy when we are going at it? Will I always imagine that while we are?
My wife had an affair lasting about 2 months earlier this year. Any personal stories regarding infidelity would be helpful. We already know the root cause of it, that can be fixed, but I’m not sure about the affair side of things.
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I’m sorry to hear this.
To begin with, you don’t just arbitrarily forgive someone for doing this.
We have [a list of things that you should expect and that she should deliver](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/wiki/index#wiki_infidelity.2C_affairs_and_flirting) in this sub’s wiki. And they are for the rest of her life.
Yes, there have been couples who’ve gone down this path and emerged closer and more healthy than ever before. But it depends largely on the offender to do a lot of things genuinely and forever. And it also depends on the other spouse being able to one day forgive.
Many times it cannot be done and the marriage dissolves. None of us can say.
I don’t have much to offer other than she’s got to want this marriage really, really bad. You mentioned in another post her thinking about going active. She should not even be considering that. Her priority is saving her marriage. You are worried about this other guy. If she has not articulated how disgusted she is with the hindsight thought if what she did, she is not in the least ashamed or remorseful.
If you are not sensing both, you have no chance.
Go to r/asoneafterinfidelity and r/survivinginfidelity for personal stories about infidelity. The first is pro reconciliation, the latter mostly against.
Maybe the other guy didn’t refer to sex as going at it.
There are no reasons, excuses and apologies for cheating because the cheater could always solve their problems with you, and if it doesn’t work out, then leave (just like if she fell in love with another, then she could honestly warn and leave), but she chose to lie and betray.
She never loved you and she doesn’t love you. If she says otherwise, she is lying in the name of her interests.
Thus, you are 100% a victim, the whole affair lies on her, on her twisted morality, which can no longer be changed.
You will never forget anything and therefore you will never put up with an affair and AP.
If you stay, then there will never be love, mutual respect, a sense of friendship in your relationship. Marriage has lost its purity forever.
The fact that she won’t cheat on you again is very doubtful.
She chose to stay with you not because of “love” for you, but because it is more profitable for her. You know yourself what advantages marriage with you gives her.
Your decision to stay means that your whole subsequent life will be “second-rate” and you will never be happy.
I’m really, really sorry.
I know that I would never be with someone who cheated on me no matter how hard she was committed to saving things after, so my opinion may be biased. I don’t believe it can ever be the same. It’s possible to work in the sense that people will tolerate living together, but I don’t think the people who got cheated on can ever be fulfilled with the same person.
I would never cheat, regardless of the situation, so I wouldn’t be with someone who would not do the same
There is a sub full of people working on reconciling after infidelity, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Read there.
It won’t be the same, but it can be something new. But everything depends on the capacity for her to change and for you to heal.
I haven’t experienced it, but I know it would be an absolute deal breaker for me and I could not and would not recover.
Nah, I’m in a whole ass other relationship from the one who had an affair, 4 years later, and I’m not even over it completely. I wouldn’t stay with the cheater though