I(35M) met her(45F) on Bumble and we went on a date. She was definitely very attracted to me during the date and I felt the same. She kept doing this thing where she would randomly hold intense eye contact giving me a “hungry” look, then when I’d smile at her she would smile back then awkwardly look away and find something to say. But I think I fucked up by playing it cautious and not making any flirtatious advances because when I asked her out again she said she’d love to be friends but isn’t feeling the dating connection. But she seemed genuinely interested in hanging out as friends, telling me she’d love to do dinner or join in an activity I do with my friends. Tbh I hadn’t completely given up hope that she was into me and would have been down to maybe have “something” despite not “dating” me. But even if this wasn’t the case, I would still like to be just friends with her. Plus, she doesn’t seem to have much of a social life while I have a very active social life, so I figured it would be nice for her to get out a little.
So I invited her to grab dinner then asked if she wanted to hang out with me and my friends at this karaoke bar. There is this 25 year old guy in my friend group that constantly makes me feel insecure and jealous because of how much cooler and more impressive than me he is and because I think being young gives him an advantage. I thought about this but kind of assumed she would find it inappropriate to go for one of my friends given the situation. Plus I thought the age difference would be too big. But nope, she hit it off with him, they sang a duet together in karaoke and they spent a lot of time at the bar talking one-on-one, with her getting up really close to him. What’s kind of funny though is that I know he isn’t into her and might not even sleep with her, since he has a stated aversion to older women and single moms(he is “redpill” considers them “lower value”). But he has this douchey tendency where he just enjoys seducing people. I’ve seen him woo multiple women whom he had no interest in and saw them get fooled by him.
Anyways, I know that she’s not doing anything wrong since we’re not dating and she can go for whoever she wants, and I personally don’t have a problem with age gaps. But I just feel really hurt and my age insecurity is triggered that even a woman 10 years older than me would pick him over me. Like, he’s closer to her kids’ ages than hers. Am I valid in feeling this way or am I being unreasonable? Tbh I feel this way mainly because of who she went for. If it was another guy that wasn’t so much younger than me and I didn’t feel so inferior to I would not mind and I’d even be happy for her.
Tl;dr Went on a date with a woman 10 years older than me and liked her, but she wanted to be just fruends so I invited her to hang out with my friend group and now she’s swooning over my attractive friend 10 years younger than me and I feel very hurt, am I valid in feeling this way?
9 comments
So to be clear she hasn’t actually done anything with him? This is all just assumption on your part OP. I would gently suggest you aren’t actually able to be this woman’s friend at all.
It might be an age thing. It more likely might just be that she’s attracted to this other person regardless, and just doesn’t see you in that way. Regardless, if hanging out with her like this is hurting you, and you still have feelings in her, you should put some space between the two of you. You don’t have to be friends
You can feel how you feel but she didn’t do anything wrong.
You know this is about your insecurities, and instead of taking it so personally, you should be taking this as clarity: She was correct. You were not compatible as dating partners. You were not looking for the same thing.
If you really want to *be her friend*, then you can mention to her that he considers himself “red-pilled” and suggest she Google what that means before she wastes too much energy.
But you also don’t have to be friends if you’re not happy being her friend, which may involve being aware, or even seeing, her connect with someone else.
Sounds to me she just wants some D. You showed you want something serious.
You forgot a basic rule… Without getting intimate (bf-gf relationship), you cannot introduce any men/women to your friends.
She is 45. I think she knows what she wants from the life and from a man. If she considers you as a friend, accept the fact and move on.
Read your first line again…now, why do you feel hurt?
>She(45F) wanted to be just friends,
You got friendzoned and you never stood a chance at the beginning because you wanted and were hoping for what she was unable to give you. You were a great wingman though.
Man, you snooze you lose lol jk. In all seriousness, you are being unreasonable by being hurt by her connecting with your younger friend and y’all only went on one date. If you want to be friends, be her friend. If you don’t want to be friends, don’t do it. I get being 35 and jealous of a 25 year old but come on, man, learn to love yourself, learn to love all of you, and let that love shine
My main question is why you’re hanging out with a misogynistic douchebag who makes you feel bad about yourself. One of the best things about being in your 30s is shedding people from your social group who don’t add any value to your life.
Beyond that, yes I think you’re being unreasonable here. It’s pretty clear that you think the reason she wanted to be friends was because you didn’t make a move and not because she wasn’t interested, and that inviting her around as a friend might lead to something happening between you. Unfortunately, it seems as though she was being honest when she said she didn’t feel a romantic connection. She probably didn’t expect that your feelings would be hurt by seeing her pursue someone else since you only went on one date and mutually agreed to be friends.
If you want to do her a solid, let her know what this guy’s views are and that his intentions are probably not genuine. Be aware that this may come across as sour grapes especially since you ARE feeling sour about it, but at least you’ll have warned her so hopefully she pays attention to his behavior for warning signs.