Hi folks, 27M here..would love some advice from older folks.
I was always a straight As student. Coming from a poor family I was the first one who graduated university and learned english. During my whole life, I have been driven and hardworking, eventually landing a job at a FAANG as an engineer.
I started doing well at the job, landing a promotion after 1.5 years, and always receiving good feedback. However, here is the thing, ever since university, I was never able to give myself fully like I once did. I believe this is because when I see people around me at work who are at higher levels, I just do not envy their lifes and their work. Ultimately, I prefer small companies. Due to family members who depend on me, I can not just quit.
This kills me inside. I look back at the 19 years old me who could pull out many hours of focused work with 0 stress and I envy him, sometimes I think he is just dead, that I became a worst and lazy version of myself.
In moments like this, I rationalize and tell myself that I can just reignite that towards my job, but I can’t. When I try it, it does not last. I do not see a reason to work so hard for a company that has 100k+ employees. It usually leads to stress.
However, I am stuck in this loop. Has anyone been there before? Has it been worth it to focus on climbing the ladder?
Sorry if this is all over the place. I just wanted some other folks’ perspectives.
10 comments
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For some reason you call yourself lazy but seem to be excelling at work. You say you have never been able to give yourself fully to your job – I would argue you shouldn’t give yourself fully.
This comes down to where you want your life to go. Though your post suggestions otherwise, you’re in control. You’re not in a loop. You can decide for yourself.
I’ve seen people climb the ladder, get comfortable, use the money to establish a life that can sustain them after they quit. Me, freedom is the most important to me. My boss recently hinted at a promotion. I will only take it if I can continue to WFH and be left alone.
Anyway, tl;dr – I would explore why you think you SHOULD give everything / more to your job in the first place.
I think you’re coming to terms with something that *should* be taught in school but can’t be for political reasons: The default model for a “career” at a single company means getting promoted into positions that are mostly about being an effective politician. They are not about engineering ability.
The skills you need to excel in those higher positions and the motivations you need to want to succeed in them are wholly different to what is required for technical work, so while everyone *pretends* that the “natural” progression is into management, in practice this is nonsense. Being promoted into mid and higher level management is the progression for people *who want money and are willing to screw over others to get it*. For actual engineers (which it sounds like you might be), the default career path is instead:
1. Join large organisation and get promoted a few times (where you are now). Eventually there will be a point where any further promotions will significantly reduce the amount of technical work you’d be doing on a day to day basis.
2. Leave and use your skills and some connections to found a small business, or join a small business that has essentially zero entry-level staff, “all killer, no filler” you might say.
3. Excel within the industry as a whole and become well known as an individual, rather than simply as FAANG employee #42748.
I think the reason you’re struggling to do this is “Due to family members who depend on me, I can not just quit”. I reckon there’s a lot hidden behind this phrase. To get into a situation where family are depending on you having a FAANG salary in particular sounds very bleak and not at all fair. What are the other people in this family of earning age doing? Why is the burden all on you? I think the question you should really be asking yourself is “am I happy to be the ox that supports these people, or do I want something more out of life for myself?” Once you’ve decided how important you are versus them, I think the answer will become clear.
Personally, I would use this job as a stepping stone. A FAANG company can be very cutthroat and demanding, but can also be very beneficial on a resume. The best way to climb the ladder financially is to switch jobs every few years. I don’t think you’ll have too much difficulty finding something less demanding and equally or better paying.
I’ve never worked for a FAANG company, but I’ve worked for public companies – I likely never will again unless they blow me away. Smaller private companies are MUCH more employee friendly, at least imo.
For me, I ended up finding happiness just working less hours, with less expectations.
There’s a point where more money doesn’t equal more freedom, and working 40 hours a week for 10 years completely for someone else, just to be able to afford a house and binding myself to one location wasn’t doing it for me.
I found love, moved to the country and really started living more. Best choice I made. I’m totally free to move around, there’s no debt. I just dropped the expectations and went with what I thought was right.
Ultimately, all these jobs are meaningless, except for the lifestyle they afford you. Find fulfillment in life outside of work.
When it comes to corporate jobs, or most any jobs, the name of the game is – more money, less work. In other words, make as much money as you can while doing the least amount of damage to yourself as you can.
That’s going to look different for everyone, but there is some sacrifice involved – for example spending your 20s hustling and grinding so you can sit pretty in your 30s in a cushy high paying job where you do the bare minimum. Get to a position where you are making good money and optimize it to the point you barely do anything anymore. Then enjoy your life outside work more.
There is absolutely such a thing as being promoted to a level where it doesn’t make sense to be there because of the unreasonable amount of responsibility or stress (but also you may be able to optimize your job at that level too where you minimize the damage you’re taking on the job).
Eventually you will learn that money isn’t everything and your time is the most valuable. I have turned down some promotions just to have a better work life balance. Some days I regret that decision. Other days I’m thrilled I turned down promotions. It really depends what you value most.
You sound like you’re burning out. I’ve been there. When you’re having problems at work the standard solution of “work harder” doesn’t actually work any longer because that’s not the actual solution to the actual problem.
The problem is you’re unhappy at your workplace, and that’s ok. Hardly anyone makes perfect choices all the time. The key is being open to recognizing that. No amount of working harder is going to fix the fact that you may be fundamentally at the wrong job at the wrong place. Leaving to a different place or for a different is entirely possible.
The other challenge is you say you’re feeling trapped because others are relying on your income. As another commenter said, there’s a lot to unpack behind that. Because it’s hard to believe that your family can’t do more to support themselves based on the income you must be getting currently. It’s also possible that they need to do better with less income coming from you. If they had less, would they starve or be homeless? If no, then they may be too demanding. There is a difference between “want” and “need.”
As the first son of Asian immigrants, I can say it took a while to unpack my parents’ expectations. I realized that they chose to bring me into this world, and thus became obligated to raise me as best they could. I had no say in that, thus I owe them nothing in return. Again, it was their choice to take on those responsibilities, not mine.
You may have more wiggle room than you think, depending on how you think about your obligations to your family. Keep in mind a saying on Reddit I’ve found useful: don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Ultimately it’s up to you to decide what to do: leave, or climb the ladder further, etc. All I can tell from your post is that change is needed of some sort, because “more of the same” isn’t working.
Another saying: if you want something you’ve never had, do something you’ve never done.
Good luck.
This is very much a personal choice based on your priorities. I’ve chosen to prioritize work pretty high in my life. IMO, at 35 years old making $300k+ per year, it’s been worth it. I’m on track for an early, comfortable retirement and my wife enjoys the lifestyle that we have (she still works at well, and we don’t worry about money).
It’s definitely not for everyone. Some people would rather raise a family or end their workdays at 5, and that’s fine. It’s about finding the balance that works for you. Working long hours in my role as a technical architect for a global team of 70 developers and getting paid handsomely for it works for me.
Maybe? Here is the thing. Every week you need to debote some time to *your* personal interests and hobbies. Set aside that time and use it for that.
Keep working hard at your job as long as you have it. It sounds like you have family to help out. However, as you work hard, also start looking for other opportunities. It is okay to switch.
It is okay to work at this job for a given length of time, save up as much money as you can, and then take another job.
It is okay to switch now if an opportunity arises.
Do not quit until you have a new job.
You got this. Yes. Adulting is hard.
Never do more than the bare minimum. If you get really good at your job you will be “rewarded” with more work and bullshit but not with more pay or benefits.