I wanted to give an update on our situation. After my wife dropped the bomb of opening up our relationship, we had a long talk. I told her it really surprised and scared me that she brought this up, but that I do want to discuss it and understand what she means and where she is coming from.
As all this happened after mentioning a guy who hit on her in the gym, I told her that it made me insecure and I would like to get reassurance that she didn’t do anything with him. It surprised her that I assumed so, but she was more than willing to reassure me, she showed me her phone and told me more details about what happened in the gym. She talked with the guy just briefly and he complimented her look a few times. She’s been having lots of work in the past few weeks (she was bringing work home) and couldn’t go to the gym as regularly, so I believe her that she didn’t meet him since. She said she had no intention at all of starting an affair or going any further with that guy, but she did feel energized by getting attention and it scared her too, she wanted to tell me. She said that the idea of non-monogamy is just a curiosity on her side and not something that she pushes for. She understands and accepts if I don’t want to do it, but she thought as we can discuss everything openly, maybe we could discuss this too.
I’ve been bringing in different things in the bedroom over the years, like toys and role-play. I noticed that the scenarios where we imagined other people turned her on the most. I’m not saying it didn’t turn me on too, but it was just fantasy. Now she is proposing to make the fantasy a reality. She thinks if we explore this together, just like the fantasies, it could be good for us. I asked her if what she is really after is a hall pass, or essentially to meet that guy, but she said not at all. She wants to do something together or at least in a way that I’m fully on board with.
Even though I still don’t see how this would work, her intention didn’t seem to be selfish or pushy, so I decided to not shut the conversation down completely. We need to talk a lot more and I suggested going to counseling (if only for a few times) to help us navigate our feelings around this. She agreed.
I know people and relationships are in continuous change. If they can change together, they can stay together. If they change in different directions, they grow apart. I’m scared of the change, but I know that I don’t want to lose her, nor our family and I’m willing to put hard work into our relationship. That’s where we are, more talk and counseling next.
edit: some wording and formatting
35 comments
Can’t make a wife out of a…
Just to let you know more than not when this pandora box is open divorce is right around the corner but hey you want to watch or see another man have sex with your wife that is all on you don’t be upset when she either meets someone better than you or she starts to stay out late and not coming home just because you think a fantasy should become a reality. Just know your wife can get anyone she wants while you on the other hand won’t get nearly the same attention out of this. Lol and stop with this bs “i don’t want to lose her” you either going to lose her to another man or your going to lose your sanity.
Dont do something you dont want out of fear of loosing her.
Just a shot into the blue:
She seems to love and respect you. On the other hand something seems to be lacking for her in your relationship. Sounds to me like some form of maskuline trait. She values you but still is on the search for that missing piece. Try to talk to her about the nature and roots of that desire. In the beginning dont focus on your fears and the danger for the relationship, but be curious and give her the space and encouragement to explore her desires together. Maybe this dissonace will morph into self and mutual understanding from where you guys can find some middleground
Understandably, although getting positive feedback from a stranger can be flattering, and may be exciting to fantasize about, once you cross the line from fantasy to reality things often take an unexpected turn.
A fantasy is something that you can control between the two of you. The reality, is that you’re going to be bringing human beings into your relationship, who have other expectations and possibly motivations that you cannot control.
Unless you are both ready for a completely new dynamic, you should definitely go to counseling and determine whether this is a fantasy for her or this is a “having your cake and eating it too” type scenario.
if both people aren’t on board, the relationship is going to be damaged beyond repair. You both need to figure out why she wants to do it and what she expects to accomplish. If she’s looking for a new relationship but doesn’t want to lose the security of her old one, then you’re going to be dragged along for a really bumpy ride towards a really horrible divorce.
Being open minded as one thing, but trying it out because you’re afraid of losing her, is not the answer.
It sounds to me like she’s telling you she intends to get some strange one way or another, and she’s just giving you this chance to agree to it so she doesn’t feel like a bad person when she finally pulls the trigger with or without your blessing.
Sorry, my man.
She laid the trap and you fell into the “nothing will change and it’s for us trap” because it already has changed, your wife wants to sleep with someone else.
Brother, she either wants to fuck other mf’s without guilt or already has and is just trying to convince you to alleviate that guilt. Your relationship as it was is over.
She clearly likes the attention from other men, and is playing you like a fiddle. Don’t be surprised when every thing comes crashing down and y’all end up divorced because she wanted to screw other mf’s.
My only advice is that you need to value your own wants, needs and feelings at least as much as you value hers. If it’s not a hell yeah, it’s a hell no. It’s that simple.
Good luck to you.
I always remember a post like this once, I can’t remember where, but a comment always stuck in my mind. “Everybody thinks adding someone extra into the bedroom is a great idea, up until someone who isn’t you, makes your partner moan”. Just be cautious, sometimes fantasies should stay fantasy
Start shopping for a lawyer. Get your finances in order. Start documenting everything.
The “let’s open our marriage” means she has her eye on someone she wants to take for a test drive before she leaves you and your marriage is in its final stages.
Im sorry.
Hook, line, sinker – you are about to be sitting at home with the kids while she is sleeping with another man.
This really isn’t hard. You need to grab the wheel of this ride and take some fucking control. You having a backbone and sticking up for yourself might actually impress her an turn her on. Instead you went against your beliefs and who you are and went with the “ok, I understand. Let’s revisit it later and discuss more,” approach. You should have blown this idea and conversation up from the get go, and if she doesn’t like it then you divorce her – which is what will happen if you open it up anyway.
“If what you’re saying is true then, yes, I appreciate that fact that we can talk about everything as well, However, we are in a monogamous marriage. It’s how it started, and suggesting it not be many years, and 2 kids, later is grossly unfair. I never would have married you if I knew this would be the road you would try to lead me down. You have put me in a terrible spot . I love you, and I don’t want to lose you, but the thought of you with another man makes me sick. If I let you do this, and I immediately regret it, i am just going to resent you and we will get divorced. In between the act and the divorce will be months of hurt for everyone in the family. There would be no going back. I also have to consider our children and how terrible our selfish decisions will hurt them, and it will hurt them long term. I am a monogamous partner, and frankly, I deserve to have a safe partner that isn’t looking to be with anyone but me. I deserve to be enough for someone. It’s clear that i am not enough for you because if I was you wouldn’t have broached the subject. It never would have come to mind. I am not ok with this, and I am not willing to make the his an open marriage, ever. If this means we end things now, fine. I will keep my self respect and dignity. If you want to work this out this can never be brought up again. It will take me some time to even get past the fact that you wanted this in the first place. That I’m not enough for you, and that you’re somehow ok with me sleeping with another woman. I might not ever get over this. This has changed me. This has changed the way I look at you. The want I look at us. I hope that too much damage hasn’t been done already, which I’m sure you didn’t think about before asking me about this. For now i need time. I feel like i just found out that you have been having an affair. I feel betrayed. I feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and you will tell me you really have had an affair. My trust in you has been severely damaged and I don’t feel like you’re a safe partner right now.”
Good luck with the divorce
And I’m out, good luck and and look forward to the update when you are on the divorce sub when she has been breaking all the rules.
No doubt the fantasies that turned her on were of her with another man. What about you with another woman? How did she feel about this? I bet it was rarely talked about. Your wife is depleting your self esteem, making you believe that you aren’t good enough and that the only way you can have her is if you watch her with another man. This is becoming more common.
Say no to your wife and end the marriage if she has an issue with that. Take back your balls and be a man again. That is the only way out of this mess.
C’mon man!
She just told you you’re not enough for her. Do with that what you will.
Wow, you are a doormat. Congrats on a couple pathetic years until you’re so sucked down that she uses that as an excuse to leave you for someone else. You’ve officially made yourself her side piece.
We done told you NOT to.
Did you listen? Nopedinope!
And please…. stop quoting her “not at alls” and avoiding reading them for what they really mean:
“yes, it’s in fact what I want!” Replace ANY “not at all” with that and lay her actions against that.
And tadaaaa… it starts to maks sense all of a sudden.
And if you don’t want her to eff around… BE CLEAR.
Don’t be that doormat who gives in for fear “of losing her”.
If she can’t respect your NO …. she has already left you but just didn’t tell you by now.
She’s playing you like a fiddle man. I’m sorry you can’t see it, love blinds us all. I’d just encourage you to listen to all the people pointing out the obvious here.
OP, I have been married for almost two decades. This doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage. But, this type of stuff requires radical honesty, radical trust, and radical transparency.
This doesn’t have to start out with you or her picking someone up at a barand taking them home for sex. There is a subculture of people that do this but if jump in the wrong way, you’ll be on a highway to hell and there will no stoping the trip.
At the very least read on the r/swingers subreddit and ask for advice there. There is a way to go about this at a snails pace. To only dip your toenail of your big toe in and then talk about all the jealousy and pain each of you feel.
Note: open relationships have about a 90%+ failure rate.
One thing must point out is the necessity of rules, also, the rule of enthusiastic concent. Both partners must be “oh hell yes! Let’s do this!” At every step of the way. If one partner says “ok, I guess we can try this” that should be interpreted as a “Hell No!”
Now the above rule applies to everything, every little “event.” As an example an event might be: going to a bar, and and watching your wife flirt with guys. This will totally freak you out, and you can spend a couple of months discussing it before you try it again.
Your wife is probably only seeing this from the experiences she will receive. But you need to ensure that she she sees you flirting with women and and those women flirting back. She needs to realize that you will be sexually fulfilled also. She needs to see it, feel it, and decide if, she still wants to do this after she realizes that she can be replaced. Always talk and discuss feeling after every event/thing that comes up.
Also, often swingers have rules like the couple only plays together, same room same time, and often do a “soft swap” and not a “full swap.” Another common rule is that the couple never had sex with another couple twice. This, they reckon, helps prevent anyone from catching feelings.
Also listen to podcasts, not just the ones that talk about how much fun they are having, but the ones that talk about jealousy, catching feelings for someone other than your partner, and all of the total shit shows that happens after sex with someone who isn’t your partner in any situation. that destroys relationships and marriage.
Finally, if there is a thing lacking in your current relationship emotionally, sexually, Anything, don’t do this because this shit accentuates the negative in a relationship.
Don’t open the marriage under duress!!!! “I’m afraid to lose her”” if you she wants to open the marriage you have already lost her. You can say no and if she ever brings it up again or gets distant with you tell her it’s time to split.
OP, I’m not gonna jump on the whole “Open marriage spells divorce” bandwagon, but don’t do this. Seriously, just don’t.
I’m not saying this because I believe monogamy is the only true way – it’s not. But it seems like that for YOU, that’s the way.
If you are this doubtful about it now, you won’t enjoy it. If you do it just for your wife, you will end up resenting it. This is not something you can talk yourself into.
If you do this, you will resent her.
OP, also realize that if you two do this “separately, she will have hundreds of guys willing to have sex with her while you will have zero women.
I read somewhere that it’s easier for a man to have an affair, than to be married in an open relationship.and finding a side piece.
Think about it. Your wife wants the attention and validation of another man. How do men do that? By making her feel like she’s special and the only one,more special than all other women.
A woman is not going to have sex with a man in an.open marriage because she will never feel special. She knows your loyalty, and future will always be toward your wife. In an affair, she can make believe that you will leave your wife for her… Then she, your AP, is really special!
See the psychology of this?
You will find it very hard to find a play partner, your wife will have her pick of the litter.
Tell her no, this isn’t going to end well. You just should file divorce papers now and get it over with. She wants to cheat.
*sigh* we tried… UpdateMe!
My friend and his wife. She suggested this and he wanted to make her happy so he went along with it. At first it was all fine. They had ‘rules’. Then he noticed she was getting all the attention but no one was really interested in him, not to mention who he really wanted was his wife. Then he noticed she was too busy during her lunch break to talk to him but free to meet up with other guys. Then, after a minor surgery she told him she was with a guy while he was in surgery. And that was how opening the relationship ended their marriage.
If you aren’t comfortable with it you don’t have to talk yourself into it. Your boundaries are important and it sounds like she respects your decision, but I also understand it might be painful hearing about her fantasy. Try to understand she likely meant absolutely no harm, and it doesn’t mean you alone aren’t enough for her. It sounds like that’s just her kink, and lord knows there’s a ton of kinks out there and hers just happens to involve multiple people. It’s fairly common for women to have this fantasy, and if she didn’t trust and love you 100% she never would’ve felt comfortable talking about it with you.
If even a tiny piece of you doesn’t want to do it, don’t. And don’t feel pressured to give her a hall pass.
Go learn from the people whose stories are on r/BestofRedditorUpdates and get a better situation
Glad you guys are working things out! I agree that counseling is a good next step.
Hope you guys don’t have kids, see you on /r/bestofredditorupdates in a few months.
99.999% of the time relationship_advice calls the time of death for a marriage when it still has a heartbeat. This isn’t one of those times.
You’re opening a door that can’t be shut again and you’re doing it because you want to be the male version of a Pick Me, that partner that is so cool and easygoing that they’re ok with everything, including the things they’re not actually ok with. You’re doing yourself and your marriage a disservice by continuing to entertain this disasterous idea that you don’t actually want, and I’m not looking forward to your inevitable next update.
When’s the divorce?
She’s been fucking the gym guy for a while and now wants your permission to bring him home and fuck him at YOUR HOUSE.
I remember one of the things my ex wife said to me after we separated because she was cheating. “I didn’t think it would be that big a deal.”
Be clear with her that as things currently stand, acting on these temptations would likely cause deep emotional trauma. Just because you are willing to talk about it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be hurt. Your efforts to be understanding don’t mean it isn’t a big deal.
Not all sexual fantasies translate well in reality. I’m glad you communicated and got some reassurance that she isn’t having an affair or bringing this up for some one specific. It’s great she felt comfortable enough to bring this up, but if you aren’t for it, you need to say no.
>Even though I still don’t see how this would work, her intention didn’t
seem to be selfish or pushy, so I decided to not shut the conversation
down completely.
No amount of talking or counseling will change your mind if you aren’t for it now. Your allowed to have boundaries, and forcing yourself into this for her sake is the wrong call. Say no, and stick with role-play.
>If they can change together, they can stay together. If they change in different directions, they grow apart.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. If your wife’s changed to the point where she needs an open marriage to be happy, then you’d be better of divorcing.