Ok…so I’m madly in love with this guy. The sex had been great from the get go. But! I think I have a higher sex drive than he does and it screws with my head. I want sex a few times a week and he sometimes only wants it once a week. Not a huge difference but enough to make me feel rejected and suspicious…he also doesn’t like to have sex while I have my period and doesn’t like to go down on me in general. I’m not used to this in a partner, I’m very sexual and open. And btw I’m also attractive and hygienic!
Some important auxiliary info: the last guy I dated was a sex addict. Also older than me. That was a 12 yr age difference. He wanted sex at least twice a day. That was too much! But maybe he skewed the way I think about sex. Like maybe I started to think of it too much in quantitative terms.
Now this current boyfriend is so different. Once a week seems like…people who have been married 30 years have sex once a week but I’m still young and frisky and I like sex! He says the age difference is a part of it. He’s not always this non sexual. He fluctuates. We travel for 3 months a year and these are usually the times when the sex dries up. Then when we get home it gets better. Possibly a symptom of seeing too much of each other? As for the period and oral stuff…he just gets grossed out easily I guess?
The last relevant fact is that my current boyfriend likes to party and will stay out all night at least once a month and when we travel usually like once a week. This has always upset me but he says he’s never given me a reason not to trust him and always been faithful, that he just likes to party and I’m not as much of a night animal as him and that should be ok. I’m getting better at not getting mad when he comes home at 6am or 8am but this combined with the sexual differences causes me to feel confused and distrustful. Recently I went through his phone looking for….I don’t know….clues. He found out and was upset which is understandable but I’ve realized I need help in figuring this out.
What do you think is going on here? Am I making it weird?
TLDR:
Dating guy 7-8 years older. I seem to have higher sex drive. I like to F*** 3 or so times a week and sometimes he only does once. He’s also just more of a prude in bed than me. The disparity in sex drive and preferences makes me suspicious. Along with the fact that he likes to stay out and party all night fairly often. He says it’s the age gap and personality differences. Should I just accept him if I love him? Is something fishy going on here?
19 comments
Wtf is this simple math ‘dating a guy 7-8 years older’
Personally I wouldn’t date someone who’s sexual preferences don’t match my own. It’s not a great match and that’s okay because the point of dating is to find a good match.
It’s nothing to do with his age. I’ve been with guys much older than him who have higher libidos.
I would suggest he’s not that into you and you’re also sexually incompatible.
Why are you with this guy who you are hugely incompatible with? Find someone your own age who’s a better match
I’m 37 and my latest gf is the same age. I could happily have sex everyday but I learned from past relationships that this starts to get boring and samey with the same person everyday. Too much of a good thing type of situation.
We now only do it twice a week and both refrain from masturbating also. Tension builds up and we both get insanely horny so the sex is much better than doing it everyday as a routine
Lord the double standards here. Obviously it’s “sexual incompatibility” but if you’re curious as to why it’s incompatible maybe start with the “I’m attractive” and “going through his phone” part
> enough to make me feel rejected and suspicious…he also doesn’t like to have sex while I have my period and doesn’t like to go down on me in general.
Mismatched libidos are common (check out r/hlcommunity) and sexual preferences are fine – but this combination hints at some sexual immaturity that might not be a fit for you.
> will stay out all night at least once a month and when we travel usually like once a week.
That’s weird.
> He says the age difference is a part of it.
It’s weird he claims to know what drives you without seeming to focus on what matters to you.
> people who have been married 30 years have sex once a week but I’m still young and frisky and I like sex!
There are lots of people with long monogamous relationships that have much more active sex lives.
Age and libido really have nothing to do with one another in my opinion, conventional wisdom is you get less horny with age but hasn’t happened to me or most people I know with high libidos, they stay horny.
If you are asking if we think that he is cheating on you or something I see 0 evidence of that here. If you are reacting to the differences in libido and thinking “It must mean something more” then yes you are probably making it weird. Maybe there is some other reason that you haven’t shared or discovered yet, but there doesn’t need to be one, the most plausible explanation is that there is just a libido imbalance which is common.
Yes it sounds like his libido is roughly in the normal range, albeit at the lower end of normal by my estimate. Age could contribute to it (it was gradually between your age and his age that my own libido went down by about 10-25% depending on the week) but I don’t think the reason why his libido is different matters here. It just is.
It’s just up to you to decide if you are ok with that, and if not, what to do about it.
I think the options would be some combination of 1) lean into a self-pleasure in a new way, 2) see if he is willing/interested in being involved in pleasuring you in a way that don’t require him to perform like with toys or just being a cuddly cheerleader to support you while you pleasure yourself, or going down on you more (honestly he should probably do that anyways) 3) if you are open minded you could open the relationship to get your needs met elsewhere 4) accept that you may be sexually under-satisfied 5) breakup
Good luck!
It’s only going to get worse
Yeah it prolly normal. Sex get boring Theres only so many ways to stick a round peg into a round hole.
Even when I was taking gear, having about 10 times more testosterone than the average guy it got boring. I was 43 and my gf was 23 stunner and I got bored of sex.
But she was always wanting it, I think cause its newish.
I think it’s perfectly normal for a guy to not wanna sex with a woman on her period.
I don’t think it makes any sense to assume he’s cheating just because he has a lower libido than you. That makes no sense. When you were dating someone who wanted sex twice a day, how would you have felt to be accused of cheating since you “only” want sex 2-3 times a week? People have different libidos, and it does not mean they’re cheating if it’s lower than yours.
Only you can decide if the libido difference is a deal breaker.
The age doesn’t really matter. Everyone has different sex drives.
Am I making it weird? Yes, the math ain’t mathing and his sex drives sounds normal. This stuff fluctuates, not everybody is the same, and I don’t see how it translates to cheating.
You two don’t sound 100% sexually compatible. It’s rare to see someone who comes into the relationship not liking oral and then suddenly changes their mind and starts enjoying it, for example. A difference in sex drives is normal, in my experience guys in their 20s are rabbits and guys in their 30s and beyond are more chill. I wouldn’t take that personally. Some guys 30+ have really high sex drives but it’s normal to be anywhere on that spectrum.
I think you should talk to him about what you’re feeling. You’re taking his low sex drive personally imo since you’re saying it’s making you suspicious. It sounds like you don’t feel wanted and since he doesn’t like oral or period sex, you may also feel rejected. But ultimately these are his hang ups. You can either say what you feel and need and let him rise to the occasion or keep fishing for info in a passive way and drive yourself crazy.
The difference in libido is the bigger issue IMO. Not everyone likes sex during a period for a variety of reasons.
I see possible compatibility issues between you that have nothing to do with age gap, more who you are as people.
The difference in libido is the bigger issue IMO. Not everyone likes sex during a period for a variety of reasons.
I see possible compatibility issues between you that have nothing to do with age gap, more who you are as people.
The difference in libido is the bigger issue, IMO. Not everyone likes sex during a period for a variety of reasons.
I see possible compatibility issues between you that have nothing to do with the age gap and more who you are as people.