My ex (33f) tells me (33m) I’m creepy for dating a 22f. Is she right or just jealous?

43 comments

1. I made a comment earlier but deleted it because I wasn’t able to properly convey my thoughts so here goes try 2:

   In my opinion it is both. The fact that she is 22 and at a completely different stage of life that you gives some room for concern. Considering the brain doesn’t fully mature until 25, with her being younger than that and you being older there is room for discomfort. With the age difference there is an element of power play to it, since you’re older and more mature, you have a larger sense of the world around you and you have somewhat of a seniority over her. With all of that being said you’re both consenting adults and it’s your decision.

   On the subject of your ex being the loudest one, she has more of a motive to be critical of any relationship you have after her. It could be out of genuine concern or out of jealousy, out of lingering emotions or out of self interest. She could want you to be with someone more your age, or she could want you with someone she seems better than her, or possibly no one at all. It’s a coin toss to be honest. As long as you’re happy and your new gf is happy and it’s a healthy relationship do as you please.

2. 11 years is a big gap, but it’s not necessarily a deal breaker, as you are both adults.

   The potential issues that may arise is:

   1. Power imbalance.

   2. Differing relationship goals.

3. Personally, I think the age difference is wide enough and she’s young enough that it lowers the odds of this turning into a lasting relationship, but that’s different from saying it’s outright unethical or creepy. You didn’t know her age when this started, so you can’t have been planning to exploit the age gap. That doesn’t mean that your ex is jealous or insincere, lots of women have had bad experiences with older men and even more have heard from people who have.

4. I was in a similar situation. I was 25, and my girlfriend was 38. My ex would comment all the time about how creepy it was. Strangely enough, we will be married 20 years in Sept. My ex is on her third marriage. Enjoy the moment. It may work out, or it may not just like any other relationship.

5. It’s a growing trend at the moment that guys in their thirties+ dating women in their early twenties is creepy. They are saying the only reason men are dating such a low age is because women their own age won’t put up with their crap and they need to find someone more naive. Whether you believe it or not is up to you, but I’ve been seeing more and more posts about it.

6. I have a very close friend back from when I was in middle school (she was/is pretty attractive) , when she was in her early twenties she somehow got together with a guy from work that was in his late thirties, its been almost twenty years now, they are still together.

   I don’t think this is creepy, and don’t let yourself be influenced by opinions.

   I think it would be somewhat weird if a 33 year old man actively searches for 20 year old girls, but if it just happens, it happens, only thing that counts you and her are happy.

7. There is an old rule of thumb in my country about what’s the age limit to date someone. Which is “Half of the age of the older one plus 7”.

   It’s supposedly to just stablish some base rules and of course there are exceptions, but here it will be “wrong”.

8. I’m 23F and I would be very creeped out if a guy like you was interested in me. Your brain isn’t even fully developed at 22, even though she’s considered an adult. She barely experienced adulthood at that age. You’re generally just fresh out of college at that age. Why can’t you date someone your own age ?

9. I wouldn’t say creepy but I always question big age gaps if one of the 2 is under 30. There’s such a difference in life experiences between 22 and 33, simply because she’s not been alive long enough to go through some of the things that you’ve gone through and that have helped you mature into who you are now.

   I also find that when people say a young woman is ‘mature for her age’, she’s either been through trauma someone her age shouldn’t have gone through, or that the man saying it is just trying to make the situation look better. (I recognise you’ve not said this but I’ll put it out there anyway). If she was 32 and your were 43, I wouldn’t be suspicious at all.

   Your girlfriend might be jealous and want you back though, you might be right there.

10. Who the f*ck cares? If you 2 like/love each other then go for it. Let other people talk, let them call you names, it doesn’t matter. You really shouldn’t care what people say in this regard unless she is underage. Most of it is their ego talking.

    My ex dated a 41 year old, while she was 25. I found it disgusting back then but a huge part of me was just really really jealous, because they were still friends. It was before our relationship.

    I haven’t heard a good reason yet, why this should be unethical, illegal or even creepy. With 22 you’re old enough to decide for yourself and just because you’re in your 30s doesn’t mean that you stop finding women in their early to mid 20s attractive. The only reason why this is weird to some people is, because it is unusual or because of their ego. (Men would love to have a younger woman, too and women hate to compete with younger women, because it is almost impossible to keep up with their beauty)

    I bet in the next generations, its gonna become more and more normal to date in a 10 year age range, since it’s almost common knowledge that women are getting more mature faster.

11. Do date this 22f. As you mentioned in your post it is not a concern for her that you are older than her so probably it should not be a concern to you too since you both have good chemistry together. Concern would have been when this female was under 18 tbh but ahe is not and ahe wants to be with you. So just go for it.

    Lastly, your ex is clearly jealous of all this. Tell her clearly that you won’t entertain her views about your girl and then see how she reacts. You’ll have more reasons to keep your ex out of this.

12. In modern society I feel like it’s more and more frowned upon, thirty years ago people wouldn’t have batted an eye.

    I’d say the odds are potentially stacked against you depending on how mature you both are and what life goals you have.

    There could be a power imbalance, but there’s 13 odd years between my parents (got married when dad was mid thirties and mum early twenties), and she completely rules the roost.

    If you genuinely like each other then see how things play out and, if it doesn’t end up working, don’t let it be because of the naysayers.

13. Personally speaking, as someone in my early 30s with close friends who are in their early 20s, I could never date them. Maybe 10 years from now the age gap wouldn’t feel so egregious, but right now they still feels so young to me. They have so much they still need to figure out about themselves and the world. As someone a decade older than them, even knowing I would have their best interests at heart, dating them would feel predatory.

14. Jesus, reddit for sure loves to infantilize women…

15. I’m 33 and though I’d probably allow for a hookup if being pursued, I wouldn’t pursue anything outside of that. I have a brother that’s 23 and we’re worlds apart, I love him dearly, but there isn’t much we have in common generationally.

16. I wouldn’t say 11years is that big of a deal it’s more that they’re early 20s to your 30s. I’m in my 30s and could not imagine entertaining someone in that stage of their life. I’d have nothing in common and even though they’re an adult I’d see them as immature. But your ex is your ex for a reason. The only opinions that matter are the two of you that are in a relationship.

17. Nothing creepy about two adults dating. The issues with age a generally more around where you are in life and what you want.

18. Larger age gaps do have much higher failure rates. If you’re looking to be serious with a lady one closer to your age you’d have a higher chance.

    You are in different places in life.

    It would have been too big of one for me personally at 22, well even now, but you’re both adults.

    Your ex may be a bit jealous and weirded out by the gap.

19. I know someone around her age who recently had a kid with someone around your age – they’ve been together a couple of years and I think they’re getting married soon. We don’t talk much anymore but we still have lots of mutual friends and it seems to be going really well for them both.

    There is nothing inherently wrong with your age gap, you didn’t even know her age when the flirting started, and the only person whose opinion is bothering you is your ex; you already seem to suspect her motives for criticising this age gap.

    Don’t concede to your ex because she’ll go cold again as soon as you give her attention – her newfound attraction to you is purely out of jealousy and spite of this other girl.

    Good luck with this new girl, hopefully you’ll give us an update in six months saying it all turned out great!

20. Both could be true but none of us are in your situation so nuance isn’t something the internet is exactly the best at. It’s certainly a big gap given the whole “half your age plus 1” limit people seem to put on age gaps.

    You can mention to her that it’s a potential issue and just both share what you’re generally looking at for the future, and then see if the next 3-4 years look similar. At that point she’d be in her mid twenties and at that point a lot of women want to settle down anyway so if she’s looking ahead that far then you could see where it goes but with consideration of her relatively limited life experience.

    In my early twenties I couldn’t date anyone my age as I was more mature and wanting to settle down whereas most others just wanted to have fun and play the field. Hence naturally you’ll look at older and more mature people, no matter whether male or female.

21. I think it’s possible the ex is jealous.

    11 years is a big age gap, but it’s not necessarily wrong if the relationship is genuine. My parents have an 11 year age gap (47F, 58M), and they met when my mum was in her mid twenties, and they worked out just fine.

    So I could be biased but I personally don’t think it’s wrong if you are dating for the right reasons such as you are actually interested in each other, you get along well, have mutual interests etc, etc.

22. What I find odd about this particular age gap is it’s generational. A 43m and 32f are so much more similar than what you have going on. If one of my male friends was seeing someone in their early 20s I’d be icked out, but that’s my problem not his.

23. Im 25, my partner is 36. It’s honestly hard. We haven’t had the same life experiences and there is a power imbalance sometimes. I would say both. She’s jealous, and it’s kind of weird.

24. i’m a 22f and if a friend of mine suddenly started dating a 33m i’d definitely keep an eye out for her

    like others said i agree it’s not the kind of age gap where your friends would be preparing an intervention to make it stop but it is borderline creepy and could go south faster than you can say “power imbalance”

    AND i believe it doesnt matter if your ex has ulterior motives lol. it is truly not about her.

25. You’re a grown adult.

    You’re over 18.

    Make your own decisions.

26. As a female (27F), I also find this creepy. The emotional, physical, and sexual experience of a 22 year old is much different than a 33 year old. I’ve heard lots of horror stories from friends who have dated with such a large age range. There is a possibility of manipulation and exploitation because of what the 22 year old doesn’t know and isn’t aware of

27. Just do you . you’ll never be happy looking for approval from the internet

28. It’s not creepy unless it’s creepy. She pursued you, she knew your age, you didn’t know her age- nothing about your situation is creepy.

    Ignore all the people saying “I would find it creepy” – they’re not involved, so their opinions don’t matter. Ignore the power imbalance stuff- any relationship can have power imbalance problems, for many reasons, not just age. You deal with that if it happens, you don’t preemptively avoid dating just in case it might go wrong.

    It would be really said to let a lame internet trend ruin a potentially great relationship. No one on here can tell you whether or not it’s going to work out, you have to try it and see.

29. Literally the same question with the genders flipped was posted 2 hours ago, and it’s hilarious how different the answers are lol. You do you OP

30. This is dumb. As long as they are of legal age and consenting, that’s it. Full stop. Dating older and younger people are two sides of the same coin. I’ve seen so many women state they want to date older men. From when I was in highschool and the freshman girls dating seniors to grown women dating older men. Not just a few years older I might add. I’ve seen women in their 20s in my friend group dating 10-15 years their age and not bat an eye or called creeps for doing so. If you’re creep/pervert for dating younger women, so are women dating older men. That’s right women of reddit, you’re a big fat pervert for dating older men. See how that sounds dumb.

31. I know I’m biased but I don’t think this is creepy at all. My parents are 12 years apart and met at the ages of 22 and 34. They got married less than two years later and are still going strong, while other marriages in our family have failed even though couples had dated long/were closer in age. So I don’t put too much stock in that stuff. If y’all get along and are similar in maturity, it could wind up working out great!

32. I’m 33 and thinks it’s pretty fucking creepy. I don’t think I would date anyone under 28. For sure not under 25. I can’t even imagine what you would have in common…

33. Dating at your job and someone a decade younger screams poor judgement. “Is she right or is she just jealous?” Does it matter? Your ex has no say in your dating life. The choices are yours. If you think it’s a smart choice, go ahead. Just be sure to factor in the possible fall out at work, if you break up.

34. She’s jealous, it’s that simple.

    Dating a 22 year old adult is not creepy

35. I had the same age gap as you, we both fell in love and I barely noticed the age difference. We even lived together; she lived with her mom before then.

    I didn’t feel a power imbalance. We were both employed and we split the bills by percent; I made 75% more than she did so I paid 75% of the bills.

    There were some immaturity issues, like she would react to situations with her friends or at work in a bad way, and I would coach her to be more level headed.

    We went on a lot of trips and had a lot of fun when we were together. She was one of the great loves in my life, and I think I was one of hers; she at least acted like it. If you genuinely like this girl and she seems to genuinely like you back, I say go for it and screw whatever anyone else thinks.

36. Wow, the comments section is hell bent on indirectly labelling OP as creepy while missing out on the actual question.

    OP, your ex **is** being jealous. There could be 2 reasons. It could be that she doesn’t want to date you but doesn’t want you to date anyone (until she finds someone). Or she does have feelings for you.

    Personally, I would be grossed out by your friend. It’s one thing to meddle because she’s jealous. It’s another thing to make you look like a villian.

    Your own words,

    >Her being 22 didn’t bother me when I found out, because like I said we hit it off in every way prior to me knowing her age

    So you’re fine. You are both adults and she approached you fully knowing your age.

    Tell your ex to quit her bs and focus on your own dating life.

37. She’s legal and its none of her business. Her opinions in the matter are irrelevant.

38. No one here can fully speak to your unique situation, but I’ll give you my experience, for what it’s worth.

    When my husband and I met and started dating, I was 21 and he was 29. That was 10 years ago. We’ve been married for 5 years. The age difference has never been an issue for us. He went through some serious family upheaval in his late teens, and spent pretty most of his 20s trying to get on stable ground. I suppose this resulted in less of a “power dynamic” for us because he wasn’t making huge amounts of money, didn’t own a home, no previous marriages, no kids, etc. We were able to build a life together instead of me trying to fit into a life he had already built, if that makes sense.

    Honestly? If you’re not trying to use your “power” over her, it shouldn’t be a problem. Yes, you are older and probably have more life experience, but it’s only creepy and wrong if you use that against her in a potential relationship. If you like her, maybe sit down and discuss this openly before too long. You may have to have conversations about like goals earlier than she might with someone younger than you, but if you like each other and want to pursue this, you should be able to have some of those conversations to determine if you are compatible long term.

    At the end of the day, you’re both adults. People are more than just their age. If you date for a while and decide it’s not a good fit, no harm done. You just go your separate ways.

    And as others have said, ex is jealous. Might be a good idea to stop sharing relationship information with her. It’s not her relationship anymore.

39. You do you. Just be mindful of her age and relationship experience.
    As for your ex, she may not even want to get back together, she just doesn’t want to see you happy because she isn’t.

40. You’re going to get mixed responses. But ultimately if you are in similar life stages and have similar values, and can respect each other regardless of the age gap I think it’s fine. The mere fact that you all are COWORKERS (as long as you’re not a supervisor or something crazy) tells me you are more similar than this thread is picking up on.

41. Nuance is always important.

    One of the most common arguments against age gap relationships is “What do you have in common with someone so much older/younger than you?”

    Another is a perception of of a power dynamic and the potential for manipulation or perceived manipulation by the older party.

    Legally you’re both considered adults and you both no the other’s age going into any potential relationship.

    Neither of you has committed to any kind of relationship and per your edit, you haven’t even gone on a date yet. You might go on a few dates and both decide there isn’t anything worth pursuing except enjoying each other’s company.

    Your ex is your ex. It’s perfectly fine being friends as long as you both make it understood that you are exes for a reason. You’re not getting back together. It didn’t work the first time and it won’t work the next time. She can certainly as your friend have an opinion but she doesn’t have a say in what you do or who you date.

42. Its a kneejerk reaction but not totally misplaced. Ex could be jealous too. It’s only creepy if youre a creep. You can prove them right, or you can prove them wrong, but your intention shouldn’t be to prove anything.

43. Anything your ex says about your current relationship (no matter, age gap, different views, anything, should always be taken with a fucking mountain of salt.