Long story short, I spent the weekend at my best friend’s house after he told me he didn’t want me to. I figure I’m 19, it’s not a big deal because we’re studying and then we’re gonna hang out, and I don’t want my mom to drive an hour round trip Saturday and Sunday becaise she doesn’t like driving and gas prices are high. I get in the car this morning and some of the highlights of our conversation are:
– “Girls don’t stay out all night”
– “It’s not normal for girls to stay out all night”
– “It sets a precedence and it’s not normal and it will make people think you don’t have parents that care about you”
– “If I tell you my reasons, you won’t understand” and “Well, it’s not that you wouldn’t understand, but you wouldn’t believe me.”
– “I can’t tell you certain things until a certain time or until you’re a certain age but if you keep like this, those things are going to happen and I’m gonna say ‘this is what I feared'”
– “There is no me when you’re in a family. You don’t get to do things for yourself”
– “You don’t have to say I love you back because I know you don’t because you disrespect me”
– “You don’t have loyalty”
He’s mad and doesn’t want me to spend the night. He would rather drive to drop me off and pick me up and that I can ‘spend the day’. That’s not gonna work bc that’s literally never gonna happen. Idk what to even do anymore. I’m trying so hard to be nice to him and do what he wants while also doing things for me, but he doesn’t want that to happen. I’m just supposed to shut up and do whatever he wants when he wants it.
Like I just need advice. 😀 What am I supposed to do here??? I want to live my life but I’m tired of dealing with this drama all the time. Please help me out 🙁
11 comments
On one hand, you’re an adult and can do what you want. But on the other hand, you live at their house and likely rely on them for a lot (food, transportation, housing, whatever else they supply). If they don’t want you out late, I think you need to abide by their rules.
1) your father seems to have a very old fashion perspective on how girls should behave. 2) It appears that something very bad happened to the girl who stayed out all night and he does not wanna talk about it.
you are 19 and daddy needs to let you grow up now.
you are not his baby anymore, you are a bright young woman. sadly the first step in reshaping your parent-child relationship is to move out. once you are independent he will no longer have a say in how you live your life. I also get the feeling there is either a religious or cultural value system here.
either way, if you still live at home and you need them in that capacity then you would be wiser to bend a little for the time being until you are capable of being on your own and ready to accept the full consequences of rebellion. If they insist you should have called then next time do just that and remind them it was them that insisted you do it this way, you are just following the rules they set.
Yes, you are an adult and you should be able to make the decisions you feel are appropriate for you as an adult.
But, if you’re living at home, you’re beholden to your parents’ rules. If you don’t want to be beholden to their rules, don’t live at home.
Your father’s sexist statements aside, it sounds like you might still be living with your parents and that obviously presents some obstacles to you claiming the same independence you’d have if you were a self sufficient adult. So just keep working toward financial independence and the ability to move out. It’s really the only way to be able to “live my life” without the interference of the people who are currently paying for the roof over your head.
You are in a weird age where legally you are an adult and can do whatever you want but you are also under your parents roof and support. Most kids go through this when they hit 18 and go to college.
Your parents say they want to stop being on top of you but the second you do something they dont agree with they find it hard to not go back to parent mode. To them you are still a kid that needs them. So they dont see you as a functioning adult. Its nothing against them but everyone thinks that just because you turn 18 the way people view you automatically changes, jt does not. Sometimes you just have to prove to people that you can make those decisions that you think sre best. I moved out of my house at 26 and before then my parents saw me as a kid who couldnt function on his own, even though i made more money than them, had alot of money saved up, was always responsible, etc. when i moved out their perspective of me has changed because i showed them that i was self-sufficient. When my sister was still living with our parents she went on vacation with her boyfriend and my dad didnt speak to her for a week. My sister was 27 at the time made good money, paid all her bills, etc.
To answer your question. There is not much you can do. Your dad needs to start accpeting you are an adult. The best you can do is to keep trying to make good decisions and whatever you cant control. He will have to come around. When you do graduate and have a good paying job, do whats best for you. But just know if you decide to stay home to save money, your parents will still see you as a kid, because its been their job for 19+ years and its not something that they can immediately switch off. Now that i moved away i wished i had done it at 23 or 24 instead of 26.
Daddy doesn’t want to let go
I kind of get it even though i took the parental shackles off my kids at 18, they were adults and treated as such meaning they could do what they wanted to. (only rules were i say what goes down under my roof still)
Watching your kids become adults is really hard for lots of parents, especially if they don’t mentally prepare themselves (or forget what they got up to at the same age!)
My daughter stayed over at her friends from about 12/13, as long as we had notice, what’s the problem? (is bestie a guy?)
Post 18 the only time i’d give my kids grief for staying out was if they didn’t bother to tell me, so i’m left wondering where they are.
It sounds like he wants to tell you warnings of lots of negative experiences when you’re out (which no doubt you already know all too well about) but won’t because he doesn’t want to let go of the feeling you’re still his baby. I had these discussions with my daughter about 15 as I was prepping her for adulthood as early as i could.
Why do I believe all this, my kids mom is your Dad, can’t let go of her “baby” and does exactly the same shit your dad is.
This is how my kid handles it
“I’m not asking permission, i’m telling you of my plans so you know where i am, I’m an adult now and I need you to start treating me like one”
Its a little blunt and direct but that was the only thing that worked for my kid, she still gets her ear bent but her mom learned to back off.
Unless your dad is just nuts, this may just be the start point where he has to accept his child isn’t a child anymore, At your age you won’t notice it as you’re too busy trying to work yourself out. I’ve seen many a parent like this as kids hit 18, sends em a little loco
Give it a little time, stay firm but respectful, teach him that its time he took those parental shackles off finally.
Finally as I am a dad, be bloody careful out there! 🙂
When you’re a child, most kids think their dads are the smartest guy in the whole world. Somehow, as they turn into teenagers and young adults their fathers turn into blithering idiots unable to grasp the world around them. You’re not old enough to see this yet, but just wait and see how smart your dad gets again when you hit 25, 27, 30.
Your father loves you and cares about you. Could he lighten up a little bit? Probably, but before throwing him on the idiot bin maybe try having a conversation with him about why he feels so strongly about it. Since you apparently rely on your parents for housing and transportation, I don’t see where you have any options. His house, his rules – that’s been around as long as time.
Nope nope nope and please don’t get with a partner that thinks this way either
I don’t think that any of the things you quoted your dad saying make sense or are true. It’s all quite normal for a 19 year old to spend a night out with friends. I think he won’t tell you his reasons because he doesn’t have a good one he just knows it makes him feel uncomfortable. It sounds like old fashioned stuff about protecting your daughter’s virginity or something but who knows.
Sometimes in relationships we choose to do or not do things for others simply because it makes the uncomfortable even if we don’t get it. It’s kind of up to you to decide to what degree you are willing to limit your life for his comfort. However, to whatever degree you depend on him financially or just for housing, you probably have to (within reason) do what he asks if you hope to keep having those things.
The piece about how he knows you don’t love him sounds like this kid running away from home because his parents “dont love him”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YjIV-vG8244&pp=ygUnWW91IHNhaWQgeW91IGRvbuKAmXQgbG92ZSBtZSBzYW1lIHRoaW5n
As a father of 2 grown young women, I can understand why he feels the way he does. What I tell my father friends who are going through this is. “The role of fatherhood changes. First we have to lead and stand in front of them to protect them, but the time comes where our role changes and we must walk next to them in life and help them in in life, not shield them from it.”