I (23m) am uncomfortable with my boyfriend’s (19m) interactions with his brother-in-law (38m), do I step in?

5 comments

1. You should talk about your concerns with your partner but do not make any demands and ultimatums. Listen to what he has to say and decide if you are okay with it.

2. He should have told you he wrestles with his family? I’m sorry but what he’s doing is pretty normal. Asking him to stop contact would be a major overreaction and controlling plus it won’t end the way you think it will.

3. >I went to a house party with my boyfriend and his family, and when he saw his brother in law (his sister’s husband) he snuck up behind him and tickled him, and the BIL turned around, pushed him onto the ground and they started wrestling.

   Even if they were biological brothers, that is indeed weird behavior for two men of their ages.

   >My boyfriend said that he’s always seen his BIL as a “big brother” figure since he came into his life when he was 10, and they’ve always played around like that.

   Okay, sure, when the BIL was 29 and your boyfriend was 10, I could see some tickling and wrestling as fun, but they should have grown out of that at least by the time your boyfriend 12.

   And especially now, the only wrestling they should be doing would, y’know, actual wrestling. Like if they’re training together at a gym or dojo. Not a family party.

   > He said that he’ll not do it if it makes me uncomfortable, but he thought it was weird of me to see it as “sexual.”

   It’s weird to me that no one else in the family seems to think this is weird.

   >I don’t really know what to do.

   Well, he said he’d stop if you want him to. So tell him to stop.

   >I feel like this is something he should have told me when we started dating.

   How would that have come up in conversation?

   *By the way, sometimes I tickle and wrestle my older brother-in-law, are you okay with that?*

   > I’m considering asking him to not stay in contact with his BIL anymore, would that be the best course of action?

   No, you can’t expect him to cut off his sister’s husband for you.

4. I think you’re projecting your own interpretation of the situation onto him and then expecting him to act accordingly as if your perspective is the correct one.

   Families have varying degrees of what constitutes “normal” for them. And in this case, if both parties appear to be consenting to the wrestling and taking joy out of it then who are you to come in from the outside and assume otherwise?

   Your boyfriend shouldn’t have to adjust how he interacts with family members (and always has) to appease your comfort levels when no one is hurting anyone.

   You being uncomfortable about two men wrestling each other out of good fun doesn’t automatically make them gay nor does it make the BIL a sexual predator victimizing your boyfriend.

   You need to explore your own mind on this. See the ways in which you are projecting. Did you grow up religious? Do you have your own unresolved stuff to sift through?

   I’m not trying to sound cold. I just think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill and if thus is distressing you this badly then maybe you need to find counseling to sort through why it bothers you and makes you feel so uncomfortable.

5. I would let it go at this point. You expressed you were uncomfortable, your bf said he would not engage in that kind of play anymore. You need to give him the opportunity to follow through. It’s absolutely not appropriate to ask that he cut off his family/support system over this. It will likely backfire if you do.