It’s really annoying and this feels not normal at all. Every time someone talks to me in a conversation I always have the habit of saying “yeah or “yes” every time to let them know I hear them but this is so annoying and I don’t want people to think I’m a yes man, one of my friends even mocked me for saying “yeah” how do I be less awkward and loosen up. People also tell me “calm down” even though I wasn’t even angry. People think I am tensed and how do I fix it?
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Convos can be hard, bro.
Like I get a lot I want to say but don’t know how to get all the words out.
You don’t need to backchannel (that’s the term for those “yeahs” etc. to show you’re paying attention) so aggressively. Maybe every few sentences.
Non-autistic folks often misinterpret our way of communicating because generally we prefer direct, straightforward convos not larded with subtext and connotation and social cues that we tend to miss.
Maybe work on subtle nods or if they glance at you, try a light smile.
I was always deadpan when I was younger and people would think I was just staring at them as they spoke.
My career put me into a live training role and I had to become more animated.
Your behavior is pretty typical, if a bit more focused.
It’s a normal part of conversation in many cultures to affirm the direction of the conversation when the other person is speaking – little bits of encouragement, if you will – but these affirmations are usually varied. Nods, hand gestures, meaningful eye contact and lack there of, multiple vocal affirmations (Yeah, sure, yes, right, you don’t say, really, etc).
There are times where I will actually count out lines while in conversation. I’ve learned to do so in the back of my mind, because it is more important to mind what is being said so that I can actively participate. Every 2 to 3 lines, I will affirm in some way. This is not a hard and fast rule, but does fit with most averages.
So, my advice would be – extend your reaction time, and vary how you show it. Your motivation to show that you are actively participating is good and good natured; just remember that sometimes things just do happen, reasons unsaid. Conversation *will* continue and be fine without constant affirmation.
>People also tell me “calm down” even though I wasn’t even angry. People think I am tensed and how do I fix it?
My interpretation is that you are probably responding “Yeah” or “Yes” not only very often, but also very quickly after they complete one or more sentences. This makes them think that you are requesting a quick response and makes them stressed with time pressure. They think that you are stressed because your behavior, (frequent fast paced requests for more info), is how they would act if they were stressed.
In other words, they interpret your “Yes” as a prompt to tell you more information, not as an acknowledgement of hearing their previous information.
Try just nodding your head instead to show that you heard them. Occasional eye contact is also very helpful to confirm for the other person that you are actively engaged in the conversation.
You should copy asians and do the “mmm”. It helps reaffirm the talker that you’re listening but is less invasive than words. Mmm. Mhm. Mm? Emmm… M. Its surprisingly expressive. If you swap some yessess with it, it may feel more comfortable to your friends.