Am i the only one who thinks passive aggressive behaviors are rude af? Passive agressiveness is not genuine at all and has more offensive intention than plain agressiveness. I would rather have someone shout at me than someone sarcastically make fun of me.
I type with mechanical keyboard at home, so when im focusing, i subconsiously type hard. Today, at work, i was focusing on my work, and i guess i typed a bit loud unintentionally (frankly not even that loud now that i think about it). The coworker next to me started smashing his keyboard like maniac for a minute straight to prove his “point”. Am i being the asshole here, or my coworker? I did it unintentionally, while he did it intentionally to make me feel bad. He didn’t even ask something like “Hey, can you type a bit more quietly? Your typing is distracting me”.
41 comments
You can’t know the motives behind passive-aggressiveness: Could be either well-intentioned social lubrication to a situation they find difficult or it could be a way to get back at you without owning it. And all possibilities in between.
You are the asshole for being in office and annoying people enough to try to smash a keyboard for you to get the hint
Explain to me why it’s ok for you to smash keys like hulk, but if someone else does the exact same thing you are freaking out calling them an asshole and alerting reddit. Why is ok for you? Because you say unintentional? The sound is the same.
I think passive aggression is one of the most pathetic things someone can do. Peace, aggression or busting balls. Anything else is for punks
1) I agree with you in principle. You’re not trying to hurt anyone. But he’s trying to annoy, harass, vex, and humiliate you. You’re not malicious. He is.
2) One way to handle it is to complain to HR about your neighbor’s typing, without acknowledging in any way that sometimes you type loudly too. Then he has to explain to HR that he was doing it to retaliate against you, which nobody will accept as a reasonable explanation for the behavior.
3) If or when HR says “hey, he says YOU were the one typing loud,” act totally innocent. “Wha? I had no idea? Why didn’t he just say something? What a child!”
4) It might be a good idea to gather some evidence of his obnoxious passive-aggressive typing before complaining to HR, in case he denies everything.
Did the coworker literally break the keyboard or just type loud like you were doing?
Usually people use passive aggressive to make a point.
In a office it’s rude to have a clacky keyboard. Asking for a quiet one would go along way to keep the peace.
IMO, passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t have a positive connotation. It’s usually rude, but people engage in it because it can be useful. The situation as you described it would lead me to believe the co-worker was being childish. It’s possible there was more going on with them than you were aware of, and normally they would have asked you to keep it down. If it comes up again, I would offer your preferred ways to be notified that you are bothering them. Explain that it’s not something that you are doing consciously and are happy to stop if they politely make you aware that it’s happening.
It is extremely rude, and unfortunately, it is a legitimate way in which people “communicate.”
If that happens again, just say, “Hey, I guess you’re banging on your keyboard to let me know I’ve been mindlessly typing too loudly. Sorry to have distracted you.” Your office mate will rapidly realize how lame his behavior is compared with yours, and you can quietly smirk about making him feel like an ass. Haha
This post brought me right back to my own experiences. This coworker was absolutely being passive aggressive and purposefully did it as an act of aggression toward you. I also type hard and fast when I am zoned in and intensely working.
I find his behavior to be a very dick move and probably has an issue(s) with you already and this was his moment to direct his BS on you. Been there… do not allow yourself to overcompensate for any weird feelings by going out of your way to be nice. Place him on permanent ignore.
Who cares what that guy does lol
I don’t think there’s ever a situation where passive aggressiveness is not hurtful
I guess you had to be there, cause it sounds like a joke to me. But if he had a bitch ass face and was clearly upset, that would be strange and not funny.
Some people with Misophonia can’t help coming off as a-holes when we snap from noises. Not sure if this guy has Misophonia or not, just saying
Lmao that’s specifically why it’s preferred in the first place. Literal indirect harassment.
Passive aggressiveness is when your emotions overtake your self-control against your will. Aggressiveness is when it happens upon will.
Does anyone here know how loud a mechanical keyboard actually is if you type too hard and bottom the keys out?
Have a little bit of sympathy for the guy who’s just trying to get through his workday without listening to constant clanging
I’d say that being passive aggressive is extremely rude, and also making an obnoxious racket with a mechanical keyboard is extremely rude
OP, there are rubber silencers for keys, but they can make the keyboard feel a bit squishy
I forget where I did read that.. “How to Win Friends” or something like that, where the author writes that you should not communicate in passive aggressive way because, let’s be honest, we ALL know that this is an hidden intentional attack which is obviously not very hidden. And this type of communication makes things worse instead of working together on a problem.
I get your point but some people would rather not be shouted at so they choose to scoff and resist the temptation to argue for no reason. We all have our differences, some would say it’s more aggressive and childlike to shout then to be sarcastic and shrug off the notion of entertaining an idea they don’t agree.
I’ve started to just continue on as if there was no issue. If someone wants something from me they can use their big boy words and actually communicate
passive agressiveness is preferable to active agressiveness. But it should never be used if words or distance or coping mechanisms can resolve the situation. Sometimes people are forced to show agressiveness, but this should always be proportional to the principle of “self-defence”. A mechanical typewriter is not an issue in which self-defence and thus agressiveness is needed. OP, you were in the right and should have pushed your colleague to stop.
Say “I’ll try to keep it in mind.” Maybe try to keep it in mind. Maybe use it as inspiration to develop smoother typing, as in “improving your form”. But if this interferes with your concentration on your work, there’s no reason to do anything about it.
Where there’s people working, there will be some noise. You’re there to work. If you type quickly to work more efficiently and that makes some noise, well so fuckin be it. Your coworker could also get earplugs if he struggles to concentrate with background noise around. It’s actually great for concentration in my opinion. He could also ask to get a different working space next to someone different if it’s THAT problematic.
Tease them; “You’re really good at that. Are you planning on playing the piano?”
Passive aggressive types can’t stand clowns, it’s great.
Yes, your co-worker was rude but you also need to be more aware of the noise you’re making in an open environment because others will find it very annoying. I suspect your co-worker has been annoyed by your typing for some time and lost their temper today. It doesn’t excuse the rudeness, but he’s probably tried to ignore it for awhile.
Two can play the game if you have the energy for it lol
Whatever nonsense he does that’s slightly out of the norm, be passive aggressive about it. Toxic af, but i dwell in toxicity with this kinda idiots
to co-worker-“Hey your hitting your keys pretty hard, are you ok?” – then, depending on reply “oh why didn’t you just say something?”
1. Next time, respond with “use your words.” That gets the point across, and in a didactic, slightly condescending manner (like they’re a toddler), which is extra nice.
2. It sounds like today is “bring your mechanical keyboard into work” day, to me.
3. Side note: it sounds like you have an office job. It’s a real shame that you’re not working remotely, as it should be. Time to start looking for 100% remote jobs. If the pandemic taught us anything, it’s that offices are bullshit for certain types of work. Don’t put up with that!
I can’t help wondering, isn’t this exact post not also a form of passive aggressiveness? Instead of confronting your colleague about his behaviour you are passively complaining about it here.
It sounds to me like you are the passive aggressive one.
Reading the post and the comments, I am actually very surprised to see that many people considering that direct confrontation is somehow less rude than this.
If he’s addressed it in the past, no he wasn’t being rude. If he’s never directly said anything to you, then yes he was being rude.
People are all different.
I would rather never escalate a situation to even a shouting level as I have had issues knowing when to stop in the past in terms of rage.
Idk, maybe they were just poking a bit of fun at you. Were they horribly serious about it?
Look, it’s definitely rude to do that kind of petty behavior at someone at work, but sometimes it’s better to let off a little steam than blow up
It’s a very cultural and contextual thing. The line between lightly ribbing on someone or being playfully teasing/aggressive vs being genuinely mean and antagonistic isn’t always clear. More times than not it’s best to give someone the benefit of the doubt and assume they didn’t intend it to be aggressive. Based of what you describe it does sound like they were angry at you and trying to communicate that in a harsh way instead of just telling you nicely but I still think treating it as if they were maybe jokingly making fun and then trying to type more quietly would the best way to resolve it. A lot of people who are passive aggressive can also come from a place of feeling that others genuinely deserve it, maybe that guy thought you were being a thoughtless jerk who didn’t care about the work space being in distracting to other people and just mashed on the keyboard like you owned the place (instead of just not realizing) and felt like passive aggressively mashing his own keyboard was more nice to you than you deserve. That still sucks but it’s constructive to remember how they might perceive it in order to move forward constructively. If that was how he saw you and you instantly respond with “gosh sorry” there’s a chance their perception of you as thoughtless will at least be challenged.
Inherently.
This is like asking whether cursing someone out is rude.
Its also immature
OP, your question generated lots and lots of great dialogue and there are some excellent well thought out responses!
Moving past just a philosophical critique of passive conflict resolution styles, is the opportunity to serve the larger goal of creating a culture of harmony for your own life.
We can’t really control other people. Some people will be entirely too confrontational over what we perceive to be the pettiest grievances, while others will resort to passive aggression, or even not expressing their grievances directly at all– and instead internalize negative opinions that you never get to address or gossiping behind your back. People will act out, who they are.
The opportunity is that as we gain wisdom and maturity we get to improve the culture of conflict resolution at least in our own circles. Bosses, customers, romantic interests, friends, strangers– all talk about aspects they seek in a counterpart. “Leadership qualities”, “confidence”, “fairness”, etc. The most transparent way we get to demonstrate our mettle is in how we actually deal with conflict.
We won’t always get it right, but developing the repertoire is *everything*. For one coworker the correct response is direct eye contact and clear, direct “No need to be passive aggressive. If I’m typing too loud just say something. I tend to do that sometimes when I’m absorbed in my work”. For another coworker, perhaps you imitate them typing too loudly, and take it up to 11 in jest. For another maybe you just laugh and loudly sight,”how rude!”.
What I’m getting at here is that even if everyone on the subreddit here declares your coworker’s behavior rude and unproductive, your response was likewise passive and unproductive. There is no getting around the fact that you two will be in each others’ orbits for the foreseeable future. Start laying the groundwork that while he or she is around you the two of you won’t be harboring latent resentments. Establish the norm that going forward there will be predictable, healthy, ways to amicably resolve conflicts. Lay the foundation for consistently *embodying* the person with a healthy attitude and skill-set for confronting and resolving conflict.
It is very very bad, I am currently in therapy and working in dealing with my passive aggressive tendencies.
I am a very passive/people pleaser type, so I found it hard to be assertive and would jump from passive past assertive past aggressive to passive aggressive. You can’t have healthy relationships if you are passive aggressive.
That’s not passive aggressive. That’s just a frustrated reaction. Regardless if you intended it or not it’s your fault. You’re inconsiderate which is also rude.
First off, you’re super against passive-aggressiveness, right? And that’s probably because you value people being upfront and honest. But not everyone’s the same – in some cultures, folks prefer beating around the bush a bit to keep things chill and drama-free.
Now, onto this whole “rudeness” thing. Something’s only rude if it’s breaking the rules we’ve got set up in our heads. So yeah, banging away at a keyboard might tick people off if they’re expecting some peace and quiet. But your coworker’s response? You think that’s even ruder ’cause it’s a clear jab at you, even if they didn’t say a word.
Now, let’s talk about why your coworker did what they did. Maybe they hate confrontation. Some folks would rather wrestle a bear than have an awkward chat, ya know? So, they go the keyboard-smashing route to give you a hint. Problem is, it didn’t feel like a hint to you – it felt like an attack.
From their point of view, your typing might’ve been super annoying. But they might’ve felt stuck on how to tell you. Depending on where they come from or the type of place you work at, telling you to quiet down might’ve seemed way too aggressive. So, they thought a little keyboard drama might get the point across.
So, who’s right or wrong here? Well, that’s not so clear-cut. It really depends on how you look at it, where you come from, and what kind of behavior you’re used to. But one thing’s for sure – this whole thing highlights how tricky it can be to communicate in a place where everyone’s got different styles and expectations.
I can’t stand passive aggressiveness, it is so rude.
When someone is passive aggressive, confront them with “so what you’re saying is . . .”
No everyone thinks passive aggressive behavior is awesome and nice?