Exactly what the title says. My boyfriend has been friends with this guy for a few years. I was already made aware that he cheats — in his previous relationships and his current one. My boyfriend can tell that I clearly do not like his best friend, and I normally do not hang out with them when he is around.
One time I met his friends girlfriend, and she was very nice and clearly in love. She explained to me how much this guy cares for her, how much she trusts him, makes her happy, how great he is, etc. However, after finding out that he is a cheater, I cannot stand to see his face neither the girls. When I see my boyfriends friend, all I see is a cheater. When I see his friends girlfriend, all I imagine is someone who will get her heart broken and is being taken advantage of.
I told my boyfriend how this is wrong and how his friend’s girlfriend is so madly in love with him. My boyfriend told me that he tells his friend all the time that what he is doing is wrong, but he just doesn’t listen. He states that he has no control over what his friend does and it’s not his business. Although true, I also emphasized that sometimes you are who you hang out with. But, I understood that saying that isn’t fair to him.
Today, I was looking at his phone to watch something since mine had died. His best friend texted him, and I tried to swipe up to remove the notification off the screen, but accidentally clicked it and it showed me the text. I saw the conversation that they were having, and my boyfriend not only knew that his best friend was cheating, but he also ENCOURAGED and ENABLED it.
He told his best friend what to say to this woman and how to get this woman he was speaking to to hang out with him. When I saw the messages I confronted my boyfriend. I told him that he’s encouraging his friend to cheat while knowing that he has a girlfriend who is loyal and so in love. I told him that I was made aware by him that he condoned his friends behavior, but his texts show me that he encourages and enables the cheating. There is no justification for enabling this behavior. The fact that he told his friend WHAT to say and how to get this girl over is disgusting to me. His best friends girlfriend LIVES with him and when she’s not around, he invites other girls over . His friend them facetimes my boyfriend and shows him that he is with these girls all while having a girlfriend!! When I brought the conversation, my boyfriend was clearly embarassed and didn’t know what to say. And then he proceeded to tell me that this is his best friend and it’s a very difficult position to be in. I don’t think it’s that difficult to not participate in someone’s actions of cheating. Apparently that’s difficult, but it isn’t too difficult to help his friend cheat and think of how to.
I don’t know what to do. I love my boyfriend but now Im disgusted by this behavior. I can’t forget or put this in the back burner. i can’t forget it either. I could have understood it if he condoned his friends behavior, but instead, he encourages it. I was also clearly then lied to if he initially told me he condones it? I don’t know what to do. Should I try to get through to him again? He knows I’m not okay with it, so should I let him know that I don’t want him talking about these things with his friend? Or, should I end the relationship?
TL;DR Boyfriends best friend is a cheater and he helps him cheat.
EDIT: i meant condemned not condoned
19 comments
Something tells me you already know the answer. Based on your reaction it sounds like ending it is the right thing for you. You’re going to be second guessing this guy at all times now. If he’s finding cheating this easy then a time could come where he’ll fall into that if it hasn’t happened already. Lying doesn’t sound that hard for him.
He’s too comfortable lying to you and also if hes so on board with his friend cheating, I think it shows a lot about his own morals.
This would be a huge dealbreaker for me, because I think we can agree that neither you or I would condone our own friends behaviour if they cheated on their partner, much less encourage it. Its gross.
I hope you’ll be okay though.
“Condones” means approves of, do you mean “condemns” which means you speak out against it?
You can’t hold your boyfriend responsible for his friend’s actions. But you can hold him accountable for his actions and if he’s actively helping his friend get girls over the he’s just getting off on abusing women—the hookups who probably don’t realize they’re hookups and the GF who thinks she has a loving live in BF. Ask your BF how he would feel if he was friends with the GF. Ask him if he thinks so little of women that he thinks it’s okay to treat them this poorly. And if he says no he respects women then tell him how he needs to start acting like it. He doesn’t have to dump his friend but he does have to speak up and say “Dude, it’s not right you treat your live in GF this way–if you want to fuck around go for it, just break up first.” That’s what a good friend would do and what a decent guy would do. Your BF seems to be getting his jollies helping this guy fuck and fuck over women—that isn’t a nice person’s pasttime.
condemned ****
Tell him if he was a good friend to his best friend, he’d hold him accountable. Also massive red flag about your bf tbh, if he’s encouraging cheating in others, who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat himself?
You need to be careful with your boyfriend. Birds of a feather flock together and if he encourages, keeps his friends secrets, and enables the behavior. I’m sure he’s comfortable doing it with you too.
Honestly I would take this pretty seriously if your bf has met/knows this girl, and is fine with his friend sleeping around. In all honesty if we was a good person who actually cared about his friend he’d tell him to man up and be honest, or at the very least say that he was uncomfortable being around the two of them together knowing what he knows. I would trust your gut, people often gravitate and hangout with people who have similar values/beliefs. The fact that he encourages it it’s safe to assume his friends would also do the same for him. I would think long and hard about if it’s worth sticking around.
Accepting a cheating friend was one thing, but encouraging is another. I couldn’t trust him.
i would bet any amount of money your boyfriend is cheating on you too. birds of a feather flock together. you owe it to yourself to get out of this relationship with a man who clearly has no moral compass and tell the poor girlfriend what you saw.
Honestly, it’s best you leave your bf.
You would be as a bad as your boyfriend. You condone lying and cheating by still remaining in a relationship with him and also for not telling the girl. You’re going to wish someone told you.
If he encourages his friend to cheat what’s stopping him from cheating
You do realize that since he morally sees nothing wrong with it that he will absolutely do this to you too. I mean, he is encouraging and telling his friend how to do it… that is a horrible person who lacks empathy and does not value women. I am sorry but I imagine he is either already cheating on you or will absolutely do it in the future. You should tell the girl and end it with your guy. The girl needs and deserves to know. I’m sorry your guy ended up being someone else than you thought he was. That’s the worst.
>I tried to swipe up to remove the notification off the screen, but accidentally clicked it
For the most part I echo what everyone else is saying, actively involving himself and encouraging his friend is a red flag, but this part of your post feels suspicious.
It doesn’t dismiss your experience and the situation, but it does seem like you’re not being fully truthful and is making me wonder if you’re leaving something out of the story or exaggerating certain parts. Or maybe you really did opened the notification by accident and I’m being a bit too suspicious.
Either way, if I was with someone who actively encouraged their friend to cheat I’d immediately lose all trust in them and would likely end the relationship. If his behavior only disgusted you but didn’t break your trust then you might be able to work through it. But if the trust is lost then there will always be a voice in back of your mind, and that’s very stressful
I really hope you tell his girlfriend what is going on.
… sounds like your boyfriend is a cheater
Before you ask him to cut off his shitbag of a friend, make sure you don’t have any yourself or it’ll be thrown back at you.
You said it yourself ‘you are who you hang out with’ no truer words have ever been spoken.
I wouldn’t be able to trust someone who thinks that’s okay and supports it, I’d also tell the girlfriend what’s happening behind her back and that I was leaving my boyfriend and you hope she’s strong enough to do the same.
Ps. I would also go back into his phone and take photos for evidence.
Worrying that he would do it and lie about it. Also worrying that he sees cheating as something to strive for and encourage.
He has no morals, and that doesn’t bode well for your relationship.